Beyond the Door I Believe
by chandy
Summary: Set after TOW the Fertility Clinic. C&M slightly AU. There was another more serious reason they couldn't have children...Please rr my first Friends fanfic
1. Chapter 1

This is my first Friends fanfic. I've neverpublished onthis site before so I hope I did it right.This is slightly AU. It is how I would have played out the fertility storyline. I would love any feedback. Of course, I don't own them...but if I could please borrow Matthew for a little while I would be forever grateful. And now for the prologue..

Snow fell softly on the street below. The snow brought a quiet to the city that should have been reflected internally. Nevertheless, Chandler's hands shook slightly as he brought the lighter up to the unlit cigarette clamped tightly between his dry lips. He hesitated only briefly before lighting it and inhaling deeply. _What the hell_, he thought. _The damage is already done._

Everyone hated when he smoked, most of all Monica. Monica was sleeping fitfully in their shared bedroom. But for Chandler sleep was elusive. He kept hearing the ringing phone echoing throughout his brain. The doctor's words that followed his tentative 'Hello' repeatedly robbed the breath from his throat as he played them over and over in his head.

Chandler had collapsed against the sofa in shock. Monica had come in just as he hung up the phone. He had no choice but to tell her the conclusion the fertility doctor had come to. Everything he had said to her was true. Her uterus was "inhospitable" and his sperm were "too lazy to get off of their Barcaloungers." But it was what wasn't said that terrified Chandler the most.

How could he possibly tell his wife _that_? How could he tell her his swimmers weren't just lazy as he had claimed, but were in fact blocked. Blocked by some...thing. A hideous growth. A malignancy.

Chandler could see Monica crumble from the inside, out when he relayed the news. He didn't have it in his heart to deliver an additional blow. _Hey honey, we can't have kids. And guess what? We never will because I probably have cancer._

Chandler took another drag on his cigarette. There were too many questions and not enough answers. He wasn't sure of anything anymore, least of all the future. The only conclusion he could come to was that Monica deserved the truth - and she deserved an out.

He lit another cigarette hoping for some sort of catharsis. He followed the trail of smoke upward into the darkness as he blew out another shaky breath.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for all the encouraging reviews. Sorry it took so long to update. There is a little language in this part but otherwise nothing major. The parts will get longer as I go along so I hope you all will continue to stick with me. As usual, I own none of the characters...

Ross trudged wearily out into the living room of his small apartment. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He had tried unsuccessfully to fall back to sleep after being awakened by a nightmare. As long as he was up, he figured he might as well grade some of the midterms he had distributed last week.

"Where's my red pen," he mumbled outloud to himself. He located it on the corner of his desk and reached out for it. In the low light, he misjudged the distance and bumped it by mistake. It fell to the floor and skipped away. On hands and knees he retrieved it. Pulling up sharply, he hit the edge of the desk with a thud, causing him to subsequently drop the pen. "Dammitཀ"

Ross stood up slowly, wary of the desk. Unable to see the pen, he reached over to snap on the desk lamp. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a flicker of something. Ross squinted to bring into focus what he was seeing. A bright orange dot floated stationary across the way. Suddenly it rose upward two feet and grew brighter.

Awareness hit him. Judging from the location someone was on Monica and Chandler's balcony smoking - and the only someone it could be was Chandler.

Anger grew inside of Ross. _I'll kick his ass. He told us he quit, _Ross fumed. He grabbed his keys and his leather jacket, and began to make his way across the street.

He softened as the bitter cold hit his face. Chandler's lapses usually came in times of great duress - him and Rachel breaking up, the wedding, the move to Tulsa. Ross's anger turned to concern as the snow crunched underfoot. What was eating at Chandler now?

Ross hesitated. Should he confront him now or later? It was the middle of the night, after all. After a moment's deliberation he pushed on. Chandler never willingly discussed what was bothering him. Maybe the vulnerability of sleep deprivation would help the process.

Ross crept into the apartment closing the door behind him with a soft click. His footfalls were cushioned by the rugs. Ross saw that Chandler's back was to him, so he sat on the ledge and swung his boots around.

Chandler finished lighting the next cigarette. "Hey Ross," he said without turning around.

"Wh- How-How did you know it was me?"

"Lucky guess." Chandler shrugged. "Plus I saw you crossing the street."

"Oh." Ross couldn't think of anything else to say.

When Chandler turned around there were remnants of tears on his cheeks. He inhaled and blew out. "What are you doing here man? It's like three am."

"Try four. Dude, what are YOU doing," Ross asked gesturing toward the orange light. "Are you alright," he added almost as an afterthought.

Chandler sniffed and laughed sadly. Ross looked on confused. "I'm pretty fucking far from alright right now."

"What's going on, man?"

"Nothing."

"Chandler!"

"Ross," Chandler mimicked.

"Come on, man." Ross placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Does this have anything to do with the fertility clinic?"

"You might say that." Chandler smiled bitterly.

"Care to elaborate?"

"No."

"Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"Yeah, but you're not going to are you?"

Ross dug his hands deeper into his pockets. He looked Chandler dead in the eye. "Nope."

They both laughed. "You Gellers really are relentless."

"So what is it? What's going on?" Ross attempted to get Chandler to open up once again.

"Let's just say you'll never be an uncle."

"Huh?"

"Kids, Ross. You know, kids? We can't have them." Chandler gripped the ledge of the balcony for support.

"Yeah, I got that, okay? I'm just in shock." Ross looked uncomfortable. What else could he say?

"Ironic, isn't it? Monica broke up with Richard because he didn't want kids. Now she's with me and I can't give her children," Chandler spat out bitterly.

"So it's you?"

"Yes and no?"

"What the hell does that mean?"

Chandler rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet, using the ledge for balance. "It means...It means what it means, Ross." Chandler sighed, exhaustion coursing through his body. He suddenly lacked the energy for this conversation.

Ross didn't know whether to be angry or concerned. He settled for a mixture of both. "Why are you being so evasive, man?"

Chandler rubbed his hands over his face and through his hair. He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be. I just - there's some stuff I have to discuss with Monica before I can tell you guys what's going on. I have no idea how I'm going to tell her," he added under his breath.

Ross locked eyes with Chandler, and was surprised to see his friend's eyes shining brightly in the dim moonlight. Ross softened considerably. He reached a hand out and placed it on his best friend's shoulder once again. He was mildly disturbed to feel the shaking beneath the thin fabric. "Tell her what? She doesn't know what the doctor said about not having children?"

Chandler shrugged the hand off his shoulder. "She knows that, Ross." He turned around and began climbing in through the window. "Just leave it alone, okay."

As Chandler crossed the kitchen into the entranceway, Ross spun him around sharply. "Dammit, you're my best friend and Monica is my sister. If something's wrong I should know what it is!"

"Ssshhh!" Chandler opened the door and pushed Ross out into the hallway. He quietly closed he door behind them and spun around to face Ross. "You should know? I can't believe you..." Chandler stopped himself. "Look, I know you're concerned - "

He was interrupted by the door to Joey's apartment opening, "Hey guys. What's up? Are we having a pajama party?" Joey's goofy grin exasperated the pair even further.

"Hey there, Hugsy." Chandler purposefully pointed out Joey's bedtime penguin pal to shift the focus of attention off of him.

It worked - briefly. Joey guiltily shoved the penguin inside the door and pulled it closed. "So what's going on guys? Why so serious?" He shifted his gaze from Ross to Chandler, and back again.

"No reason." Chandler rubbed the nape of his neck. Joey recognized the action immediately as one of Chandler's stress induced habits.

"Riiiiiight," Joey replied and looked over at Ross.

Ross's frustration level was boiling over. "There's something wrong and Chandler won't tell me."

"Oh good. Run to mommy and tell on me." Chandler's words dripped with sarcasm as he gestured towards Joey.

Joey could sense an argument simmering below the surface. "Look guys, it's late. We're all tired. I'm sure whatever it is, Chandler will tell us when he's ready to. Why don't we get some sleep, huh?"

Ross opened his mouth to protest, but stopped short when he witnessed the grateful glance Chandler threw Joey's direction. "Whatever," he mumbled and started down the stairs with the intent of going back to his apartment.

"Thanks, Joe." Chandler smiled despite himself. He glanced down at his shoes, slightly embarrassed by the exchange.

"Hey, you're welcome." Joey placed a hand on his shoulder. "Now go get some sleep," he pointed to the door of Chandler and Monica's apartment.

"Yeah. Okay, man." Chandler looked back at Joey once more before turning the knob and going inside.

Joey waited until he heard the latch click and ran down the stairs after Ross. He spotted Ross crossing the deserted street as he exited the apartment building. "Hey man, wait upཀ" Ross stepped into the entranceway as Joey caught up with him. "What the hell was that about?"

"It was nothing. Just forget about it." Ross had trouble meeting Joey's eyes.

"No! You don't go after your friends like that without a good reason. So what gives?"

"I just -" Ross ran his hands through his hair causing it to stand on end. "Something's up with Chandler."

"So?"

"He was smoking!"

"So?"

Ross folded his hands in front of his face to keep the wind out. "Look, Chandler only smokes when something is really wrong."

"Something is wrong, Ross." Ross's eyes widened in surprise at Joey's statement. Before he could interrupt Joey continued. "He just found out he can't have kids."

"It's more than that. He was really upset."

"That's not enough to make him upset? I know it's Chandler, but this was really important to him and Monica."

"You don't understand," Ross's voice rose with each word.

"Then enlighten me."

Ross took a deep breath and blew it out, creating a white plume of smoke. "He was crying. When was the last time you've seen him cry?" Joey looked stricken at this revelation, but stayed silent to allow Ross to continue. "He said something about talking to Mon before telling me what was going on. So there is something else. I just don't know what it is."

Joey took a moment to process this new information. "I don't know, either," he said softly. "But I do know this. Trying to pry it out of him will only clam him up further right now. We have to respect that." Joey leaned back against the doorframe in defeat. He wanted nothing more than to talk to Chandler. He understood now how Ross had felt. But he also knew that given time, Chandler would come around when he was ready.

Ross must have finally come around to that realization too because the angry facade he had been sporting seemed to melt off of his face. "Okay. Okay," he relented. "I'm going to bed. Wake me if anything happens."

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you all for the reviews and continuing to stick with this story. I agree that Ross was a little mean in the last part. But he will make up for it in later parts. As usual, I own nothing...

Chandler closed the door gently , intending to creep into the bedroom and slip under the covers without waking up Monica. Instead he was greeted by a frantic Monica storming out of the bedroom. "Where the hell have you been? It's like five am. I woke up and you're not here. What -"

"Mon," Chandler interrupted softly. He opened his mouth to say more, but the words froze in his throat.

"Well," she prompted impatiently.

"Um, I was talking to Joey." Chandler scratched at the back of his neck, unable to look her in the eye.

"What could be so pressing that it couldn't wait a couple of hours?" Monica cinched her robe tighter to emphasize her question.

Chandler took Monica's hands in his and led her over to the couch. He hesitated, the words dying on his lips. He changed tactics. "Hey whaddya say we play hooky today?" Monica gave him a doubtful look. "We had a hard day yesterday. I think I just need to spend some time with you today...figure some things out."

Monica squeezed his hands and sighed. "I'd love that more than anything. But we've got inventory to do, and -"

"Please, Mon. I just need..." Chandler trailed off. He got up and shuffled over to the window, jamming his hands into his pockets. "Never mind. You're right."

Monica stared at Chandler, silhouetted against the ever-lightening sky. He seemed so lost...so dejected. The couple had had a crushing blow only yesterday, but it seemed more than that. She got up and from behind, wrapped her arms around her husband's chest. Monica concentrated on the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest.

Chandler was grateful for the close contact. He continued to gaze out on the city that was slowly awakening, relieved that she couldn't see his face. "There's something else we need to talk about. See Dr Connelly told me...There's more to it than I originally told you."

Monica backed away and gently turned him around to face her. Fear fluttered in her stomach as she saw the tears threatening in his eyes. "Sweetie, what is it?" Her voice was shaking despite her efforts to control it.

Chandler swallowed hard. "Remember when I said my guys were too lazy to get off their barcoloungers?" Monica nodded. " The problem is that they can get off their barcoloungers, but they can't get out the door."

Monica was confused. She searched Chandler's face for an answer, but was greeted with a grim look that only stoked her fears. She remained silent, awaiting his explanation.

"Dr Connelly said...He did this ultrasound thingy and it showed some sort of blockage down there that's preventing them from getting out."

"Blockage? What kind of blockage?"

Chandler took a sudden interest in his shoes, a move he had perfected in the last twelve hours. He took a deep breath, unsure of how to proceed. Monica lifted his chin with a delicate touch until his eyes met hers. At that moment looking deep into her crystal blue eyes, he knew that stalling would only delay the inevitable. As much as he wanted to, Chandler could not protect her from the truth. "It's a lump. He found a lump in my testicle."

"A lump. Does that mean what I think it does?"

Chandler sighed and nodded in response. "It's another word for tumor." His mouth quivered at the edges, willing his emotions in check.

"Tumor? As in - as in cancer? For sure?" Monica had trouble forming the words. Her mouth had gone dry from the effort.

"Not a hundred percent, but it does look that way. A biopsy will say for absolute sure."

A single tear slid down her cheek. Monica clasped her hands behind his neck. "Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

Their foreheads were now touching. Her voice was now so low that to an outsider it would have appeared that the couple was merely having an intimate moment, which in a weird way she supposed this was. "I'm sorry for not noticing something was wrong. I'm sorry for letting you go through this alone. I've been so absorbed with myself a truck could of run me over and I wouldn't have even blinked."

Chandler slid his hands down her arms and grasped her hands. "Mon, there's no way you could've known anything was wrong. I didn't even know until yesterday."

"How come you didn't tell me yesterday?" There was a hint of anger in her voice. She didn't want there to be, but she couldn't help it. She felt...betrayed wasn't the right word. She felt...left out. Monica needed to be there for him, and it hurt a little that he didn't give her the opportunity.

"I just - I don't know." Chandler paused to collect himself. He sat down on the window seat and gently pulled Monica down next to him. The sun was starting to come up over the horizon, causing an orange haze to fall over the apartment.

Monica inhaled deeply. Her nerves were raw. She was exhausted, mentally and physically. The past several months had been an emotional rollercoaster, and she felt as if she were zooming right off the tracks.

As if reading her mind Chandler began to speak. "I had to tell you some terrible news yesterday. My heart broke for you when I saw the look on your face. I couldn't do that to you again. I couldn't keep hurting you. But I couldn't keep it from you. I was so confused. I needed some time to think things through..."

Monica leaned into his shoulder. "Chandler, it's okay. I understand." She sniffed back tears.

"Where do we go from here?"

"What do you mean?"

"I love you so much, Mon. But I have let you down so much." Chandler turned and faced the window, ashamed.

Monica tenderly drew his face around with her hand. "You have **never** let me down." Chandler nodded. "No honey, you haven't," she protested gently.

"I can't give you children, something you've wanted your entire life. And the reason behind it... I might have cancer." Chandler took off his glasses and pressed his fingers against the bridge of his nose, spitting out the last words as if they dripped with poison. "I am so sorry." He finally broke down, letting out all the emotions that had built up over the last twenty-four hours.

Monica held her husband, soothingly stroking his back. "I love you so much," she murmured over and over. "And we will get through this."

Chandler nodded against her shoulder. "I know. I love you, too. But there's a lot more we need to talk about."

Monica jumped up and grabbed the phone. Chandler looked at her quizzically, but Monica turned her back and began speaking. A few minutes and another phone call later, she came back and sat next to him. "Still wanna play hooky?"

Chandler smiled. "That would be wonderful." He gave her a quick kiss and moved towards the kitchen.

"Whatcha doing?"

"I thought I'd make some coffee." He expertly prepared the coffeepot as Monica looked on lovingly. She felt a warmth growing in the center of her chest. She couldn't believe how much she loved this man, how much her heart ached for him. Monica felt his smile before she saw it. She returned it willingly.

The coffee brewed and spluttered. Monica was reluctant to break the peaceful moment, but the unspoken question begged to be asked. "When, um - when do they wanna do the biopsy, honey?"

Chandler grabbed two mugs and started pouring the coffee before he answered. He cleared his throat. "Tomorrow."

"So soon," she gasped.

"Yeah well, Dr Connelly set me up with a specialist. He was worried it might've spread. Apparently some of my lymph nodes are pretty swollen down there." He said all this matter-of-factly.

"So after the biopsy, then what?" Monica's hands shook slightly as she lifted the steaming cup to her lips. She hadn't even remembered Chandler handing it to her.

"I don't know exactly. If it's um, malignant...probably surgery and chemotherapy. I'll meet with the oncologist after the biopsy when the results come in. We'll discuss the options then, I guess."

Monica asked a few more questions that he couldn't quite answer. She couldn't stem the flow of questions, and Chandler couldn't really blame her. They were questions he had been asking too. Chandler shouldn't have been surprised at her next statement, but he was. "I'm coming with you."

He shook his head. "Mon, that's not necessary. It's a very quick procedure; in and out. Nothing to it." Chandler acted nonchalant.

"Yeah right. They're putting a needle in your boys and you're so calm about it," Monica challenged him.

Chandler set the coffee cup on the counter and started gesturing wildly with his hands. "Calm? I am about 100 miles north of calm! But if I start to panic then everyone else will, and we don't know if there is anything to panic about yet."

Monica blew the breath out she was holding. "You're right. One thing at a time." She paused, lost in thought. "Do the others know? Is that what you were talking to Joey about?"

"Not directly. Joey, and Ross especially think something's wrong, but they don't know what yet. I wanted to talk to you first." Chandler chewed on his lip. "Mon, I'm scared."

"Oh sweetie." She let the tears fall as she embraced him tightly. She could feel his body trembling against hers. "I'm sure everything will be fine." If only saying those words aloud would make them true, she would've repeated them all night.

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Phoebe came tromping up the stairs, digging in her handbag. She came to the landing and began to approach the door to apartment 20. She paused when she heard voices belonging to Ross and Rachel.

Smirking, Phoebe crept up to the landing above. As the pair rounded the corner, she jumped out and shouted, "Danger!"

Ross screamed like a little girl and dropped the box of donuts all over the hallway floor. Rachel laughed, and taking Phoebe's cue said, "Ah, unagi."

Joey heard the ruckus out in the hallway. "What the hell's going on? Oooh, donuts." Joey picked one up off the ground and started to bite into it.

Ross snatched it away. "Joey, that was on the floor!"

"So?" He snatched it back and proceeded to eat it.

"Ewwwww!" everyone chorused.

"Why were you bringing donuts over here anyway, Ross," Phoebe asked.

"I felt kinda guilty yelling at Chandler last night, sooo..."

"Why would you yell at Chandler," Rachel wondered.

"It's complicated."

"Basically, Ross - um, **we** think something's really wrong with Chandler, but he denies it," Joey jumped in.

Rachel looked confused. "You many besides the whole baby situation?" Joey and Ross nodded in response.

"They'd tell us if something else was wrong, wouldn't they? Let's go eat, I'm starving." With that Phoebe opened the door to apartment 20. The other three friends piled in behind her. They were met with absolute silence.

"Monica? Chandler?" The foursome called out the two names to no avail. The apartment was empty.

"Where are they?" Rachel echoed what everyone else was thinking.

"Work," Joey suggested.

"Too early," Ross countered.

The phone rang interrupting their questions. All four looked at each other trying to decide if one of them should answer it. Finally, Ross took the initiative. "Hello?"

There was a beat of silence, and Ross followed up with, "Where the hell are you guys?"

The other three let out a collective sigh. At lease nothing bad had happened. "Vermont! What are you doing up there?" Ross listened for several minutes. "Okay. Okay, I get it. We'll see you when you get back."

Ross turned to face the others' questioning glances. "They decided to get away for a couple of days with everything that has been going on. They said they'd be back in a couple of days." Ross shrugged as if it was no big deal, but inside he was more than a little concerned. Monica was far from spontaneous, and this was not something those two would do without notice.

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Chandler's feet tapped nervously on the linoleum. Monica put down the magazine she was holding and squeezed Chandler's hand reassuringly. "Honey, it'll be okay."

"Yeah," Chandler muttered without conviction.

"Sweetie, they'll call you back soon and take the biopsy. The doctor said it would take less than a half hour."

"It's what comes afterwards that I'm worried about."

Monica couldn't argue with that. She was terrified. There was nothing more frightening than the unknown. And right now they didn't know...well, anything. Monica began to do something she hadn't done since she was a little girl. She chewed on her fingernails.

"Chandler Bing? We're ready for you," a young, attractive nurse announced.

Chandler rose slowly. Monica met his lips with her own. "I'll be right here waiting."

"I know, Mon. Well, let the fun begin," he joked feebly. Monica gave a cursory smile at his attempt at humor. He briefly returned the smile, and then disappeared behind the wooden doors.

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"Mrs. Bing? You can go back now." Monica followed the same nurse from before down a pale blue hallway, and through a set of double doors.

There he was, lying on a gurney, an iv dripping fluid slowly into his arm. "Hi, Sweetie. How ya doing?"

"Okay. Sore. I don't know." Chandler's voice was unusually reserved.

"Do you know anything yet? I mean, did the doctor..." Monica didn't quite know how to finish.

Chandler shook his head against the pillows. "He's supposed to come talk to us soon." Monica followed Chandler's line of sight as he shifted his gaze around her. "Speak of the devil."

A tall, lanky young doctor in blue scrubs made his way over to the couple. He introduced himself to Monica. "You know we won't have the final pathology back for several days. However, I sent a sample for a preliminary reading." He looked from Monica to Chandler, noting the expectant look on each of their faces. "Unfortunately, the report is showing an undifferentiated malignant tumor."

"So in English..."

"The preliminary biopsy is positive for cancer."

Chandler closed his eyes against the doctor's words. Monica's mouth hung open in shock. Hearing the doctor say the words forced them to hit reality head on. Words were hard to form.

"So what comes next?"

"We'll wait for the final reports to come back. If the report coincides with the preliminary reading, we'll talk through treatment options."

"Can you give me some idea in a nutshell., Doc?"

Monica's knees became weak, and she sank into an orange plastic chair. She unconsciously reached for Chandler's hand to keep it from twisting the blanket to shreds as they tried to listen to what the doctor said.

"First, we remove the tumor. If it's encapsulated - uh, sorry - if it hasn't spread that's it. If it has then chemo and maybe radiation treatment." The doctor stood with his arms crossed as if anticipating a response. Instead he was greeted with silence.

Monica looked over at her husband. He removed his gaze from the ceiling and met her eyes. She broke eye contact to ask the doctor, "So when will we know for sure?"

"The results should be back in a couple of days. Come to my office Thursday, and we'll talk everything through then. As soon as you're ready, I'll have the nurse bring the discharge papers." He started to walk away, but turned back. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

Chandler could only acknowledge him with a nod. He felt incapable of speech at the moment. He swallowed the lump of fear that stuck in his throat. He didn't even glance up as Monica signed the discharge papers. "Honey, you ready to go?"

"Yeah, I think so." Chandler reached underneath for his clothes, but was stopped short by a sudden jolt of pain.

"Here, honey. Let me help you," Monica offered. She placed the bag of clothes next to him and reached to untie the hospital gown.

"I can do it," Chandler said sharply.

"I'm - I'm sorry," she stuttered.

Chandler's expression softened. "No. I'm sorry. I just...Come here." He pulled his wife down next to him and put his arms around her. "Why don't you go get the car while I get dressed, and I'll meet you out front. We'll go back to the hotel and get something to eat, and talk this over, okay?"

Monica nodded and gave him a big kiss before leaving. She knew he needed a few moments to himself so she complied with his request.

Chandler watched the double doors swing close behind her. He gingerly began getting dressed. As he struggled to fight off the tears, one thought kept running through his head repeatedly..._This can't be happening. I'm too young to die. I've got a wife and friends and...This can't be happening. I'm too young to die. I have a wife and friends and..._

TBC ...Can Chandler beat this?


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks to all who keep reviewing. I try to respond to everyone personally. So if I missed anyone or didn't have an email to respond to, I'm sorry. I do appreciate all the reviews! Keep 'em coming:)

If you're just joining the story...Chandler got some bad news from the fertility doctor. Monica's been told, but the rest of the gang are unawares. Chandler underwent a procedure to confirm the diagnosis. This part was longer than I intended, but hopefully you'll enjoy. Now on with the story...

Oh, and of course I own none of the characters darnit...

Chandler made his way slowly down the hallway, hanging onto the wall for support. He still felt a little dizzy from the anesthesia. Monica hung a step behind him. She had to restrain herself from putting a steadying hand on his back. She was worried - that went without saying. But she was also kind of...numb. Somehow it still didn't feel completely real. Maybe that was just wishful thinking.

Monica dug the room key out of her purse, not failing to notice the way Chandler was leaning against the wall. Monica held the door open for him as he entered and proceeded to collapse on the bed.

"Do you want me to go get us something to eat," sheoffered as she placed the room key on the desk and shrugged her coat off.

Chandler stared at her awhile before answering. "No, not really. I just want to hold you for awhile if you don't mind."

"Not at all, baby." She crawled onto the bed next to him and laid her head on his chest. His heartbeat was reassuringly strong.

"We have to talk, Mon."

"I know. I was just kind of enjoying this. We have plenty of time -"

"Do I? Do I have plenty of time? I'm not so sure anymore."

Monica sat straight up. "Don't yell at me, Chandler! We're in this together. What you feel, I feel. You sound like you've given up already." An errant tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. She couldn't help her outburst. Chandler could not give up. He just couldn't. He was her everything...

Chandler brushed the tear away with his thumb. His cheeks burned with shame. "I don't know why I'm yelling at you. I love you so much and I am so incredibly sorry for putting you through this. None of this nightmare is your fault, and I shouldn't be taking it out on you."

"None of it is your fault either, Chandler. I love you more than anything in this world. I think we're both just on edge because of the last couple of days. Fighting with each other is the last thing we should be doing."

"I think it's the next couple of days that's making me crazy." Chandler adjusted the pillow behind his head.

"Point well taken. What are we gonna tell the guys?"

"Nothing just yet. I'd like to get the final results back before we say anything. If it turns out there was a mistake I'll have endured all those looks of pity for nothing." Chandler rubbed his face vigorously.

"It wouldn't be like that." Chandler shook his head in protest. "Okay, maybe at times. But they all care about you so much."

"I know."

"You will get through this...we will. You have to believe that. I do."

"If you believe, then I believe. You are so amazingly wonderful." The kiss he gave her was long and passionate. "I'll never give up. Just don't give up on me."

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Thursday morning had come agonizingly slow. Chandler could barely stay sitting. "This is like waiting for the judge to hand down your sentence."

"And I suppose you'd know that how?" Monica made a weak attempt at humor.

"I'm not joking, Mon. It's like six months to life - or are they one in the same?" Chandler crossed and re-crossed his legs.

"That's not funny, Chandler."

"Like I said, who's joking?"

Finally, the same nurse from two days ago ushered the couple down an eerily similarly decorated hallway. "Wow, talk about deja vu. Do you think she's some weird kind of doctor groupee, or are we stuck in a time warp like in that movie Groundhog Day," Chandler whispered to Monica.

Monica laughed despite the situation. Chandler seemed a little more like himself today, and that in and of itself was a blessing. At least he was joking. She desperately hoped the next few minutes wouldn't change that.

The doctor was conspicuously absent, as if making a late entrance was a course taught in medical school. "You ever wonder why they call it the 'waiting room'? In actuality, it's the room you are in before you go to the waiting room."

Monica chose to ignore Chandler's last statement. She knew he was just blowing off nervous energy. They both sat down in front of a large oak desk. "Impressive." Monica raised her eyebrows.

"I guess the cancer business is good these days." Chandler was clearly uncomfortable, shifting intermittently in his seat.

"Chandler," she tapped him lightly on the arm.

"What? I just hope that I don't buy this guys next Mercedes Benz."

As if on cue, the doctor entered and sat down behind the desk after greeting the couple. He flipped through the file silently. When he looked up from the file, his grim expression said it all. "I wish I had better news. The final pathology report agrees with the preliminary report." Monica and Chandler clasped hands as the doctor continued. "It would be best if we schedule the surgery as soon as possible."

"When you say surgery..." Chandler adjusted his tie.

"The whole testicle will have to be removed along with some lymph nodes to test for metastasis." The doctor closed the file and looked up at the dumbstruck couple.

Monica licked dry lips and asked the question they both dreaded to ask. "So there's a possibility it might've spread?"

"There's always a possibility. The chances are small. Testicular cancer is highly curable. We'll follow up with chemotherapy to make sure we got it all." The doctor paused. "I'm sure you have questions..."

"Um, when you take my, uh - well will I still be able to, um...?"

"If you're asking if you will still be able to have sexual relations with your wife, the answer is yes."

"Will I be able to complete the transaction?"

"More than likely. But -"

"Nothing's ever guaranteed," Chandler finished for him. He leaned forward. "So chemo, huh? How much?"

"Depends on if the cancer's spread. Usually several of what we call 'cycles'. And then there's usually a period of oral maintenance therapy as prophylaxis."

Chandler couldn't help but smirk at that last comment. He failed to keep the laughter out of his voice. "Oral maintenance therapy? My wife might get jealous, Doc." Monica gave his thigh a sharp squeeze. "Ow!Ow!"

The doctor tented his fingers in front of his mouth to suppress a rather unprofessional smile. "Are there any other concerns I can address?"

Monica took the opportunity to speak up. "Will the chemo make him sick? That's a stupid question. Of course it will. I mean, what can we expect?"

"There's a lot of different side effects. Everyone experiences them differently. Some patients experience nausea and vomiting, loss of appetite, fatigue, hair loss, to name a few."

"Okay, you can stop right there." Chandler stilled his shaking hands in his lap. "Um, I heard that it can also - well we were trying to have kids. Is there any possibility that we still could?"

"Unfortunately, it is highly unlikely. Chemotherapy tends to induce sterilization." A nauseating feeling grew in the pit of Chandler's stomach. He locked eyes with Monica, trying to apologize with his eyes.

There it was. The moment that caused your world to come crashing down without prejudice. Not only did the future hold surgery and chemo and more unknowns, but now he was a hundred percent aware he would never be able to provide the children Monica so desperately wanted. The weight of those words caused Chandler's shoulders to slump.

"I'll schedule the surgery for Monday morning if that's okay. I'll have my nurse call you with the details." Monica and Chandler nodded numbly. "I'll leave you two to talk."

"Thank you," Monica called after him. She turned to face Chandler. "Honey? You okay?"

"Yeah, fine. Never better." Chandler gave his tie one final adjustment. He crossed and recrossed his legs.

"Chandler..."

"Not now, Mon. Let's go back to the hotel and get ready to go back home, okay? Please..."

Chandler's pleading tone took her by surprise. Monica relented. She needed time to process this terrible news too. In one short week, their little corner of paradise had come crumbling down around them. She didn't know how to feel, what to think. She only knew that Chandler was the most important thing in the world to her, and she wasn't willing to give him up without a fight.

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Chandler silently packed his belongings into the lone suitcase they had brought. Monica was out getting dinner for the two of them. He was secretly grateful for the solitude.

He stared at his reflection in the mirror and tried to imagine himself without any hair, and minus one testicle. Always insecure, he couldn't fathom why Monica would want to stay with him. He loved her so much, and because he loved her, he couldn't hurt her like this. That would be selfish. He knew what he had to do.

Monica blew in the door and dumped their dinner on the small table, causing Chandler to break out of his reverie. He joined Monica and they both ate silently, each avoiding looking at the other one. The food was lukewarm and rubbery, but it didn't matter because they weren't tasting it anyway.

Chandler threw the rest of his dinner in the trash and stood up. "I'm going for a walk."

"Please stay," Monica begged. She put a hand on his arm for emphasis.

"I need to get out of here. These walls are- I just need to get out of here for a bit." Chandler threw on his jacket and moved towards the door.

"Did I do something?"

Chandler threw up his hands in defeat. "No, of course not. I just need some air."

"Some smoky air," Monica challenged.

"Yeah," he admitted.

"How can you smoke at a time like this?"

"How can I not? I just need to think."

"'Bout what?" Chandler looked at her as if she had two heads. "Sorry. Stupid question. Any one thing in particular?"

"For starters - you."

Monica smoothed the bedspread repeatedly. "Me? What about me?"

"I told you I would spend the rest of my life trying to make you as happy as you made me." His voice trembled with emotion. "And now it looks like I won't be able to make good on that promise."

"Chandler..."

He held up a hand to stop her. "No, wait. Mon," he sat down and grabbed both of her hands in his. "You shouldn't have to spend your time taking care of a sick husband. Especially a husband that will _never_ be able to give you children."

"What are you saying?"

"Monica, you know I love you so much. But if you want a divorce, I won't fight it." He swallowed hard around the lump in his throat. He let his eyes fall to the floor.

Monica shot off the bed. Her blue eyes blazed with the hurt she felt. "Now let's get one thing straight, Chandler Bing. I love you and **nothing** will ever change that. Nothing! Not sickness, not lack of children, not even death."

Monica circled around the bed and knelt in front of him. She placed her hands on either side of his face and tilted it upwards until it was even with hers. He struggled to look away, blinking back tears. But she held fast and wouldn't let him look away. "Look at me." Chandler reluctantly met her gaze. "I don't care about all that other stuff. All that other stuff means nothing if I can't have you to share it with."

Chandler brushed a strand of hair back behind her ear. "I would give anything to change the situation. I can't stand being the one that causes you pain. And it's only gonna get worse."

"You don't know that. There's no doubt about it, this situation pretty much blows. But Chandler, we just have to deal with it head on - together. No matter what happens, I will be here. Always."

He leaned his forehead against hers. "Always," he echoed. He slid his lips gently against hers. She rose up to meet him hungrily.

The couple eased down onto the bed, slowly removing articles of clothing. They moved against each other with ease, each one lost in the moment. All the thoughts and fears were forgotten for the moment. All that mattered was each other...

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Chandler awoke the next morning with Monica lying next to him. Her raven hair fell softly across his chest. He looked at her lovingly as she stirred against him. "Morning beautiful."

"Mmmm. Morning." She yawned and stretched herself awake.

Watching his wife go through that simple routine made him fall in love with her all over again. He had the best reason in the world right beside him to fight this thing inside him. Monica padded into the bathroom, and soon Chandler heard the shower running. He jumped up and quietly dialed room service. The shower was still running when he hung up, so he stripped down and slipped into the shower with Monica.

Chandler heard the knock on the door as he was toweling off. He threw on the white robe hung conveniently on the back of the bathroom door and burst out of the shower. "I got it. I got it." Chandler answered the door slightly out of breath.

Chandler brought the tray in and set it on the bed. Monica laughed. "What's this?"

"Breakfast. I don't know about you, but last night I worked up an appetite." He jumped on the bed in one fluid motion.

Monica picked up a piece of toast and shoved it in his mouth playfully. "Alright, smart guy. It was pretty great though wasn't it?"

Chandler chewed thoughtfully. "Ehh." Monica smacked him lightly on the shoulder. "Seriously, I thought we could have a nice morning before we head back. We may not have a minute alone the rest of the day."

Monica sipped at some coffee. "You're right. We will probably have some company."

"I bet you we won't be in the door five minutes. They'll be on me like a pack of wild dogs - especially Ross and Joey."

"Um, honey? How do you want to handle it? Do you want them to know right away?"

Chandler sighed heavily. He knew he would have to tell them sooner rather than later. It would be difficult to hide the truth. Having surgery, losing his hair, puking...all of those things might be tip offs. He just wanted the status quo to continue.

Chandler didn't want pitying or sympathetic stares. No tears. What he wanted was to continue with his life as normally as possible. He wanted to hang out with his friends, not have them hanging all over him trying to do things for him.

Chandler chastised himself for berating his friends. They were all wonderful people that had his best interest at heart. He had experienced more love and support and trust in their tight circle than he had ever known. He owed his friends this honesty. Whatever happened, happened. But he did feel that Ross and Joey should be taken aside first, and he told Monica as much.

"However you want to do it, sweetie. If you want I can get the girls together and tell them."

"Yeah, that would be helpful. At least I wouldn't have to go through the same speech twice."

Chandler laughed it off, but Monica could see inside he was as nervous as she was. Saying it aloud to the others would solidify the reality even further.

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Chandler and Monica crept into their apartment. They crossed the living room into the bedroom to set their bags down. The pair unpacked quickly having more pressing business to attend to.

"Are you ready for this," Monica broke the silence.

Chandler blew out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. He crossed the bedroom and put his hands on her slim hips. "No. But I don't see any other choice. Everyone will find out eventually anyway. I just don't have any idea how to do it."

She stood on her toes and kissed him. "Just go easy on the sarcasm and you'll do fine. Good luck."

"Yeah, you too. You better wear waterproof clothes." Monica gave him a quizzical look. "Rachel cries at the drop of a hat."

"Right. You're stalling, though. I've gotta straighten up a little before the girls get here."

"Should I be serving hors derves at this type of thing?"

Monica grinned. "Right there- sarcasm."

Chandler returned the smile before exiting the bedroom. He made his way over to apartment 19. He raised his hand to knock, but hesitated mid-air. He finally drew on his strength and knocked, walking in as he did so.

"Joey," he called.

Suddenly a book flew across the room. "Geez! You scared the crap outta me, Chan. Hey, you're back."

"The Shining? Again?" Chandler picked it up and let it fall back to the floor. "God, it's cold."

"Yeah, well," Joey looked sheepish. "So how's it going?"

"Have you seen Ross?" Chandler purposefully avoided the question.

"At home, I think." Joey didn't even have time to ask why as Chandler picked up the phone and dialed. When he hung up he turned to Joey and said simply, "Ross is on his way over."

Chandler sat down in the recliner and chewed on a thumbnail. Joey made several false starts to say something. He finally settled on sitting in the adjoining recliner.

Ross burst into the apartment. "What is it? What's so important?"

Chandler rubbed his hands through his hair. He got up and paced the room. "Um, okay. You guys know about the fertility test?" The two friends both nodded, encouraging him to continue.

"Ross was right. There was more to it than just not being able to have kids."

"And...," Ross prompted.

"God, this is hard. Maybe you should sit down too, Ross." He indicated the seat next to Joey that he had recently vacated. Ross took his suggestion and Chandler chose a barstool opposite both of them.

Joey studied his best friend, concerned. He hadn't seem him like this since the night of the proposal when Chandler thought Monica had left him. "What is it? Is Monica okay? Are you okay?"

"No. I mean, Monica's okay. It's me. They um, found something - a blockage. Um, a tumor." Chandler willed himself to continue through their stunned silence. "See, that's where me and Monica were. I had a biopsy done...and it came back positive." Chandler folded his hands in front of his face as if in prayer, awaiting his friends' reactions.

"P-p-positive," Joey stammered. He was obviously confused, but Ross wore a look of recognition. "What does that mean?"

"Cancer, Joe. I have cancer."

"Where - um, what kind," Ross asked quietly.

"Testicular."

"So what's next?"

"Surgery to remove it. Then chemo, probably."

Joey sat silently throughout the exchange trying to let it all sink in. **"**But it's not possible."

"I'm afraid it is, Joe." Chandler got off the barstool and moved a step closer to his friend.

"But you can't have - It doesn't happen to people like you. You have a wife. You want kids. It **shouldn't** happen to people like you. " Joey was becoming more and more agitated.

Chandler had eased forward until he was directly in front of Joey. He ran a hand through his thick brown hair once again. Joey's initial reaction was understandable. Chandler had wanted to deny it too. Even with the initial phonecall, he had shaken his head as the doctor delivered the news. And telling Monica hadn't made it seem real either. But after undergoing all the tests, the point was rudely driven home.

He now stood before two of his closest friends in the entire world, trying to convince one of them to believe what he wanted to pretend wasn't true. "Joe, it's going to be okay. Okay?" Chandler placed a well-meaning hand on Joey's shoulder.

"How? How is it going to be okay? It's cancer, Chandler. Even I know that." Joey shrugged off Chandler's hand and stood up until he was eye to eye with him.

"I know that ! But I'm not dead yet." Ross got up as if to step between them. The tension in the room was palpable. Chandler stopped him with a hand in the air. "Look, it's very treatable. According to the doctor, it's a highly curable cancer. I'll have surgery to remove it; maybe chemo if it's spread. That's it."

Joey turned to Ross. "Ross, you're a doctor. Is that right?"

Ross threw a furtive glance at Chandler. "Well, I'm not a medical doctor, but um, yeah, I have heard that."

"I've met with a couple of doctors, and that seems to be the consensus."

"So you've had second opinions?"

"And thirds. They all pretty much said the same thing."

Joey suddenly went quiet. Ross took the opportunity to ask, "So um, how soon do they um, want to do surgery?"

Chandler reluctantly took his eyes off of Joey to turn and face Ross. "Monday," he replied flatly.

"Monday! That's so fast." Joey collapsed back down into the recliner and hung his hands in his heads. "This is really real, isn't it?"

Chandler nodded. Joey in turn jumped up and hugged his best friend forcefully. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he sniffed.

"For what?"

Joey pulled out of the hug. "For jumping all over you. I just - it's scary, you know?"

"Yeah, I do know," Chandler agreed.

The trio stood around wordlessly. The reality of the situation had finally sunk in for all of them. No one was sure what to say or do.

Chandler went to the refrigerator and grabbed three beers and handed them out. "Should we be doing this," Ross asked.

"No, probably not," Chandler conceded. "But let's do it anyway." With that said, he disappeared into the bathroom. He came back out with a cigarette in hand.

Both Ross and Joey seemed as if they wanted to stop him, but neither one had the heart. They didn't fail to notice his hands shaking as he went to light it. He drew in an uneven breath and blew it out again. "Drink up, guys. It might be my last one for awhile."

Chandler tipped the bottle up and took a long swallow. He lowered it and studied it while taking another puff. Suddenly, he launched it against the door. It exploded in tiny green shards.

Ross and Joey stared at the foamy beverage dripping down the door. Chandler's outburst had startled them. Chandler began walking towards his old bedroom after flicking his cigarette in the sink.

Joey grabbed him by the shoulder and was shocked to see tears threatening in the corner of Chandler's eyes. "Leave me alone," Chandler said.

Joey drew him into a hug and motioned Ross over. "No. We're not gonna leave you alone. You'll never be alone. We'll be with you ever step of the way no matter what, you hear me?"

Ross felt Chandler trembling as he joined the hug. "Dammit," Chandler muttered as the tears fell.

"It's okay. It's gonna be okay," Ross assured him. He had never seen his friend this upset. Crying was just not something Chandler did. And Ross had witnessed him break down not just once, but twice. Ross could only imagine the pain Chandler must be going through. Ross's thoughts inevitably turned to his sister.

As if reading his mind, Chandler whispered, "I never meant to hurt your sister, Ross." Ross began to protest, but Chandler cut him off. "I love her so much, and it kills me that I'm putting her through this."

Ross extricated himself from the group hug. "You are **not** 'putting her through' this! You didn't choose this. It's not like you said, 'gee, what would make my life more fun? Ooh, I know. Cancer'."

Chandler smirked. "True enough." His expression grew serious again. "But you know I'd do anything to make her happy. And I don't thinking taking care of a sick husband that failed in the baby-making department, is going to do that."

Ross sighed. "Chandler, she is happy. She loves you. Yeah, the situation sucks. But that's not going to change the way she feels about you."

"Yeah, that's pretty much what she said."

"Huh?" Ross was confused. This conversation seemed to be going around in circles.

Chandler rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, I kinda told her that if she wanted out, she could go without a fight. I didn't expect her to stick to her promise if I couldn't give her what I promised."

"What were you thinking? My sister must have flipped! For you to underestimate her feelings like that...Do you have any idea how strong she is?"

"Ya done there, Ross?" Chandler gave Ross a half-smile. "There is no doubt you two are related. I know. When I said it, I wasn't exactly thinking straight. Your sister is the strongest woman I know, and I am absolutely counting on that fact."

Ross wasn't exactly sure what his brother-in-law meant by that last statement. One thing was certain - he was absolutely terrified. His oldest and closest friend, his sister's husband, was undergoing surgery in three short days to remove cancer from his body.

Intellectually he knew that the odds were in Chandler's favor. But as a friend he felt more afraid and helpless than he ever had in his whole life. The possibility existed that they could lose someone very dear to them all. And judging by the expression on Joey's face, similar thoughts were running through his head.

Ross looked back and forth between Joey and Chandler. It was a strange experience for the three of them to be together, and to have no laughter in the room. Would the laughter ever return...or would they lose it forever?

TBC

next Monica tells the girls...


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks again to all of you who keep reviewing. It really means a lot to me.

In the last part Chandler's diagnosis was confirmed and he told Ross and Joey. I don't mean to offend anyone in this part. I just think that true to Chandler's character, there would be a lot of joking going on.

I don't own any of them...yada,yada. Oh,except the doctor and nurse are mine.

The three girls sat around the kitchen table. Monica ran her fingers around the rim of the coffee cup. Phoebe stared into hers as if the answer to the meaning of life would appear. Rachel stirred hers absently.

Monica had gotten as far as the real reason behind their trip when they heard the crash. Phoebe and Rachel had wanted to go investigate, but knowing what was going on next door, she stopped them by blurting out that Chandler was sick. That resulted in the stunned silence they now sat in.

Monica chose her next words carefully. "While we were up there, we saw a specialist. He did more tests. Um, a biopsy."

"Does Chandler have cancer?" Monica bit her lip to keep from crying. Hearing Rachel say the word made her break down all over again. Slowly, she nodded her affirmation.

Rachel gasped and reached out for her friend's hand as the tears fell. Phoebe swallowed hard, and reached for Monica's other hand.

Monica tried to compose herself so she could continue. She wanted to answer their unasked questions. "So, anyway...surgery's on Monday. Then there will be a period of recovery, and probably be followed up with chemo."

Phoebe spoke up. "Maybe he doesn't have to."

"Well, chemo's not definite yet."

"No, I mean there are alternative therapies. My guru - "

"No, Phoebe!" Monica said this sharply. "I'm sorry, sweetie. It's just this is his best shot. We're not willing to gamble Chandler's life like that."

"Oh, Mon. Honey, how are you holding up?" Rachel's concern was displayed in her eyes.

"You know, okay. I still have moments where this doesn't seem like it's really happening. Those are great moments," she smiled sadly. "I just wish I could turn back the clock like one month, you know?"

Rachel rubbed Monica's arm soothingly. "Honey, I wish I could wave a magic wand and change things. You two have gone through so much lately. It's so not fair."

"No, it's not. In one short week I lost the possibility of having children, and now I have to face the possibility of losing Chandler. 'Not fair' is an understatement."

Phoebe cleared her throat. "I know I tease Chandler about being weak. But it's so not true. He has the kind of strength that counts. If anybody can beat this, he can."

"Thank you for saying that. And you're right. He's been so unbelievably supportive this past week despite everything he has gone through. Part of me wants to be mad at him for keeping it from me at first, but I just can't. I just keep thinking how sweet and caring, how amazingly strong and selfless he is...to try to spare me like that. I would do the same for him in a heartbeat. I'd even trade places with him if I could. He doesn't deserve this."

"Oh my God." Monica raised her head at the sound of Chandler's voice. She hadn't even heard the door open. But here he was, crossing the kitchen as she stood up to greet him.

His voice was thick with emotion. "I love you so much. **You** are amazing." He pulled her into a hug. "I am so glad it's me and not you. I don't know how I'd deal with it if I was in your shoes. Thank you."

"For what?" She pulled back slightly so she could see his face.

"For just being you." He brushed her hair back behind her ear. "For loving me enough to see me through this."

They searched each other's eyes and found understanding and strength. The couple knew then that even if their fairytale didn't have a happy ending, they would be okay.

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The six friends sat around Monica and Chandler's apartment. They had all just finished a huge meal akin to Thanksgiving dinner. The last of the beer and wine was being divied up.

Ross came out of the guest room with the big board. "Let's play Pictionary."

A chorus of 'nos' echoed throughout the living room. "Oh come on, let's do something fun."

"I think as the one who is getting a major part of my anatomy removed tomorrow, I should have some say."

"Playing that sympathy card a little early aren't ya?"

"Gee thanks, Pheebs." Phoebe answered with a wink to show him she was only teasing.

"How about dirty pictionary," Joey chimed in.

"Now that might be interesting," Chandler contemplated. "Guys versus girls?"

There was a flurry of activity as Ross grabbed the easel and Monica rounded up the markers. Joey and Chandler giggled like school boys as they made up dirty phrases and dropped them into a hat.

Phoebe jumped up. "Girls first!" She rummaged around in the hat and drew out a slip of paper. "Ooh, ooh. Okay. Go!" She drew frantically, but no one could guess what she drew.

"My turn." Ross repeated Phoebe's steps. This time the guys guessed correctly. Rachel went, and then it was all tied up. Joey missed, as did Monica. It was up to Chandler.

"Okay. This one's for all the marbles." Ross had gone into gameshow mode again and everyone was getting a little annoyed with him.

"All the marbles?" Chandler smirked. "Are you sure you want to use that phrase with the man that's going down a marble tomorrow?"

Chandler was laughing, but at first no one else was joining in. _Was it okay to laugh at that? Was there any humor in it? _The other five were all wondering the same thing. Chandler kept laughing until finally Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe joined in. Even his laughter elicited a chuckle from Monica and Joey.

Ross was giggling. "I guess asking you 'how're they hanging' is out."

This brought new peals of laughter from Chandler. "Yeah, what am I gonna say - kinda light? Ooh, ooh! Do you dress right or left? I don't know. Which one's left?"

The laughter continued for several minutes untilJoey asked innocently, "So which one are they taking?"

That set Chandler off again until he was dabbing at his eyes and gasping for air. "I don't know, Joe. It's not like being left-handed or right-handed." Ross choked on his beer at this last statement.

The oven timer went off sobering everyone up. It was midnight. Chandler wordlessly handed his soft drink over. There would be no more eating or drinking for him until after the surgery which was a mere eight hours away. The other five disposed of their food and drink too, out of consideration for Chandler.

Rachel joined Monica in the kitchen and made a half-hearted attempt to help clean up. "What time do you have to leave for the hospital?"

"Six am," replied Monica dryly.

"We should go so you two can rest." Rachel dried the dishes Monica handed her.

She shook her head. "No, you don't have to. I think tonight's been good for Chandler...kept his mind off things."

"Yeah. But how are you holding up?"

Monica continued scrubbing the pot. "Okay. I mean I have to be, don't I?"

Rachel took the pot from her and set it down. She led Monica out into the hallway. Monica dabbed at her eyes as her breath started hitching in her chest. Rachel pulled her into a hug and let her cry.

"I'm scared to death."

"I know it's scary, but I'm sure he'll come through the surgery just fine."

"It's not the surgery so much. I'm just terrified that they'll find something more." She crossed over to the step and sat down. Her arms hugged her knees to keep from shaking. Rachel stroked her back.

"But the doctor said the chances were pretty good that this would be it, right," she reminded Monica in an attempt to comfort her. "This whole thing is horrible, but it'll be over soon."

"You're right. I've gotta focus on the future. But what I'm most afraid of is a future without Chandler in it." Rachel had no response to that because deep inside, that was also her greatest fear.

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Chandler winced as the iv was inserted. He was counting off the seconds on the clock, trying to pass the time until Monica could come back and be with him. Despite his protests, all the gang had decided to accompany them to the hospital. Now he was glad - it would be good for Monica to have some company.

He felt the coolness running up his arm. His other arm was squeezed by the blood pressure cuff as the nurse injected some medicine into his iv. "This will relax you. They'll be taking you back shortly. I'll bring your wife back now."

Chandler looked around. The light was glaringly white, and it was cold. The biting smell of antiseptic filled his nostrils. It was replaced by the smell of lavender, the smell of Monica.

"Hi, honey."

"Hi. How are the guys doing out there?"

"Fine. Of course Joey's hit all the vending machines already."

Chandler laughed. At least some things never changed. "I guess this is happening soon. The nurse already gave me some medicine."

Monica stroked his arm, being careful not to disturb the iv. "The guys send their love. They wish they could be back here with you."

"Me too. Tell them I love them too." Chandler's eyes were growing heavy. "And I love you...so much."

Monica struggled to keep the tears out of her voice. "I love you too." She saw several people in blue scrubs walking toward the pod they were in. "I'll be right here when you wake up."

Hospital personnel began unhooking monitors and taking the brake off the bed. Before he was wheeled back to the OR she gave him a deep kiss and squeezed his hand. When the doors to the OR suite swung shut, she buried her head in her hands and wept.

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The five friends had been sitting in the surgical waiting room for nearly two hours. No one was handling the wait well, least of all Monica and Joey. Monica paced frantically and Joey had chewed on everything but the tile. Ross stood up. "I'm going for some coffee. Anybody else? Mon?"

"No! I can't leave. They should be finished by now."

"Yeah. What is taking so long?" Joey picked a new nail to chew on.

Ross sat back down defeated. He unsuccessfully tried to provide a distraction, albeit a minor one. The waiting was hard on everyone. All their nerves were frayed.

Finally the doctor appeared walking down the long corridor. He peeled off his surgical mask and made it over to the group. "Perhaps I should speak to you in private, Mrs. Bing."

Monica's heart jumped into her throat. The doctor's words did not put her at ease. Good news was shared with everyone. Bad news on the other hand, was always told in private. "It's alright. These are Chandler's...they are family. You can say what you need to say in front of them," she stated bravely. Inside she was a quivery mess. She needed them nearby.

"Well, we were able to remove all the tumor. As discussed, the testicle had to be removed. The surgery went well and he is in recovery." The doctor pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "However, there was more lymph node involvement than I had anticipated. And the scans revealed a spot on the bone in his leg."

The latest development caused the words to stick in Monica's throat. She twisted her necklace around trying to regain her composure. Luckily, Ross stepped forward. "So what's the plan now? Can you treat what's left?"

"We want to start extensive chemotherapy and radiation treatment as soon as possible. But I want to give him a chance to recover from the surgery a little before we start."

Monica lifted her head. Her chin was trembling, but she willed the tears back with effort. "What - um, what are his chances?" There. She asked 'the question'. The others gathered around her to hear the answer, and offer their support.

"There are no guarantees." Five heads simultaneously dropped. "But his chances are still pretty good. The chemo will focus mostly on wiping out the cancer from the lymph nodes, and the radiation treatment is aimed at the spot on the bone. We're attacking it from all angles. And as I said before, generally this type of cancer is very responsive to treatment." The doctor patted her shoulder and stood up to leave.

"When can we see him?" Joey needed to see for himself that his best friend was okay.

"He should be waking up soon. Then we'll take him upstairs to his room. You can meet him up there very shortly if you like."

Five heads bobbed in agreement. "Wait, Dr. Marshall!" Monica's loud cry caused the other four to jump. "Um, when are you going to tell Chandler?"

The surgeon paused. "Once he's in his room and settled, I'll come up and tell him everything."

"Good. Good. I want to be there when you tell him." Monica hugged herself tightly and turned away. The doctor left. Now there was nothing else to do but wait.

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Chandler felt as if he were floating. Darkness surrounded him. He swam upward towards the muted sounds. There was dull, throbbing pain. He heard someone say, "I think he's waking up."

Suddenly, all his senses were assaulted. Blinding lights, loud beeping, and pain. Oh God, the pain was excruciating. It was like nothing he had ever felt before. It was like a fire burning him from the inside out. He tried to turn away from the pain to no avail. He scrunched up his eyes to shut it out.

Chandler felt a soft hand on his face. He leaned into it, wanting to bury himself in the warmth and safety it offered. He heard his name called softly, a gentle whisper. Finally, he dared to open his eyes. Staring back at him was his beautiful wife. He managed a small, drugged smile.

"Chandler," she breathed, kissing his hand. She stroked his forehead. The cool touch was wonderfully relaxing. He didn't want her to stop.

Worry lines were prominent on her forehead. Chandler took inventory. He figured he must look pretty awful to cause Monica's face to look like that. The rest of his friends's faces held similar expressions.

He was connected to an iv. There were several lines by the look of it - an oxygen monitor was on his finger. Okay, not too bad. There seemed to be a heart monitor and tubes up his nose. It wasn't until he saw the catheter draining bloody urine that he began to freak out.

Thankfully, Ross noticed the signs of Chandler's 'freak out'. He pulled up a chair next to the bed. "Hey, how's it going?" Chandler gave him a blank stare. "Um, yeah. Sorry. I mean, everything came out okay. Are you okay?"

"What Ross means is, we're glad you're awake. How're you feeling?" Ross gave Joey a look of gratitude.

_How did he feel?_ It was such a loaded question with such a complicated answer. He opted for simple. "Fine. Tired."

"Maybe we should let you rest," Phoebe suggested.

"No, I kinda want you guys here if that's okay."

Rachel couldn't stop the tears that spilled over. "It's more than okay, sweetie." She had never heard Chandler so vulnerable before and it broke her heart. He seemed so small and lost underneath all that equipment.

Chandler seemed more alert now and it was only a matter of time before he asked about the operation. Monica hoped the doctor would arrive soon. She didn't want to keep Chandler in the dark about his condition, but as selfish as it sounded, she didn't want to have to be the one to tell him.

Chandler once more turned his attention to her. "You're so beautiful."

"If that's a line, it won't work tonight buddy. You need to recuperate."

"Aw, you would deny a sick man that joy?" Monica shrugged as if to say 'sorry'. Chandler just grinned. "Yeah, I don't think I'd be quite **up** to the challenge. Get it? **Up** to the challenge?"

There was tense, polite laughter from the group. "Did they take out your funny bone too when they were in there," Ross mocked.

"Good one, Ross. I see you are learning."

Chandler winced as he shifted. Monica anticipated his need and handed him the pain button. He looked at her quizzically. "See you push this button and it gives you pain medicine when you need it."

He pushed it slowly. Once it took effect he said, "The guy that invented this should be a millionaire."

"So I take it you're comfortable?"

"Getting there. So is anyone going to tell me how the surgery went? What did Dr. Marshall say?"

Chandler searched his friends's faces for some kind of response. Everyone returned blank stares. "So obviously you've all been replaced by pod people while I was under. Did anything else happen?"

As much as she loathed the thought, Monica didn't think they could stall him any longer. She once again sat down on the edge of the bed and grasped his hand in hers. "Honey," she began trying to place a smile on her face. "The surgery went well. They were able to remove all of the tumor, and of course they had to remove..."

Chandler smiled in relief thinking that was the end, but when Monica's smile faltered he knew that all the news wasn't good. Internally he began to panic. _Was he dying?_ Was that it, and nobody wanted to say it to his face. "Please...somebody tell me what's going on."

Joey, the most unlikely one to come forward, did just that. "Man, I don't know how to say this." He sat on Chandler's other side and took his free hand. "The cancer's spread into your lymph nodes. It sounded like more than the doctor expected. And, um..." Joey turned his head away so his emotions wouldn't betray him.

"And what, Joe?" The sense of dread was growing inside of Chandler.

"And they also found a spot on one of the bones in your leg. I'm sorry, man."

"Oh my God," Chandler muttered. He looked absolutely crestfallen. "Does that mean - ahem - does that mean that's it for me?"

"No! No, absolutely not, Chandler," Ross said emphatically. "The doctor said it's still very treatable with extensive chemo and radiation."

"Aren't I lucky?" Chandler hugged his pillow and rolled on his side with his back facing the group. Self pity wound it tendrils around him.

Phoebe interrupted his wallowing. "Yes, actually you are!"

Phoebe's words caused him to roll back over and face her. "How the hell do you figure that one?"

"Because Chandler...you are still here, and you still have the chance to beat this thing. Western medicine has come up with some amazing things to give you just that chance. And yeah, treatment will really suck, and you'll probably feel really sick. But you will be so lucky because you will get the chance to find out how loved you are by all the people around you that want to help you and support you throughout this ordeal. You get to experience that feeling where most people don't. And the five of us are so lucky because we get to realize what a blessing we all are and how no one or nothing will take one of us down without all six of us putting up a fight. So you see Chandler, you are lucky."

Chandler was clearly moved by her words. "Well, when you put it that way." Chandler motioned Phoebe over and pulled her down for a hug. He kissed her cheek. "Do you think we should rent her out to football teams for pep talks?"

The door opened revealing the doctor. "I apologize for the delay. So how are you feeling, Chandler?"

"So-so. Listen, they told me the whole story. So when do we actually start the treatment?"

"I'd like to give you about two weeks to recover from the surgery. I'll keep you in here for a couple more days, and then you can go home to finish healing. Sound good?"

"Can't wait," Chandler jibed sarcastically. As the doctor closed the door, Chandler made faces.

"Ya can't shoot the messenger, Chandler," Ross advised.

"But I don't have to like the message though, do I?" Ross rolled his eyes.

Monica redirected the conversation. "Home in two days, huh? I will spoil you, you know that."

"Yeah, I know. It can't come fast enough. I'm beginning to hate this place."

"Maybe this will help pass the time." She kissed him passionately. The others looked on "Ewww! Get a room."

"Hey, this **is** my room. Maybe you all should leave," Chandler quipped.

With that the other four said their goodbyes and quietly slipped out to let the couple enjoy each other's company.

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Chandler slowly climbed the stairs with help from Joey. The pain was unbelievably sharp with each step. He drew in a deep breath and steeled himself for the next step. He hated having to rely on Joey to do such a simple thing. Deep down he knew Joey didn't mind, but he couldn't help but feel he was a burden. He felt somehow...less of a man.

When the pair finally reached the top, Joey let go and patted him on the shoulder. He figured Chandler would want to walk into the apartment under his own power. Chandler gave him a silent thanks and entered the apartment.

He was greeted immediately by Monica whothrew her arms around him. Over her shoulder he noticed the balloons and banner. His friends sat around the living room with some additional guests. Mike was next to Phoebe. And over in the corner, Jack and Judy rose and headed towards him.

"Wow, Mon. Did you do all this?"

"I wish I could take credit, but it was all Rachel and Phoebe's idea. If this is too much for you, everyone can go."

"No, it's great. Remind me to thank them later."

"Can I get you something to eat or drink," Monica offered.

"I think I'd like to sit down first, sweetie," Chandler said gently.

"Of course, I'm sorry. Come here." She led him to his prize recliner and helped him get comfortable. "Now how 'bout that drink?"

"Okay, sure." He gave her a light peck on the cheek.

Judy and Jack sat down on the coffee table directly in front of Chandler. "How ya doing, son?"

Chandler was mildly surprised to find his in-laws here. Until Ross's Thanksgiving admission, their parents had hated him. "Good. Um, I guess. You know considering."

Judy layed a motherly hand on his knee. "Chandler dear, Monica told us the outcome of the surgery. I'm so sorry, dear. Jack and I want you to know-"

"You have been such a good friend to Ross and such a good husband to our little Harmonica that..." Jack trailed off. He was clearly wrestling with his emotions.

"What Jack is trying to say is that if the two of you need anything - a cooked meal, financial help, or whatever, we would be more than happy to help out."

Monica had arrived with drink in hand and had caught her mother's speech. The sentiment made her well up all over again.

Chandler was flabbergasted. He stuttered out, "Thank you." Across the room Ross was giving him a thumbs up sign. He suddenly realized Judy had been saying something else to him. "What?"

"I said where are your mom and dad? I would've expected them here."

"They're probably busy. You know Mom with her book tours and Dad with his Vegas act."

"Probably? You mean you haven't told them yet?"

"Mom," Monica gave her a warning glare to drop it. Chandler excused himself and went to the restroom. Monica turned back towards her mother. "He hasn't even told his parents yet."

"But why not? Wouldn't he want them here?"

"Yes, but he's afraid he'll tell them and they'll still say they are too busy to come. On top of everything he's been through in the past couple of weeks, he just doesn't want to be rejected again by his parents."

"That's terrible," Jack exclaimed.

Monica could only nod as Chandler made his way back over to the recliner. His movements were slow and halting.

Jack and Judy stood up. "We wanted to drop in and say hello. But we must be going so you can get your rest."

Jack went in for a hug and accidentally bumped Chandler's chest. Chandler grunted a little, but tried to hide it by clearing his throat.

"Oh my gosh. What did I do?"

"It's okay," Chandler assured him.

"It's just sore there where they put the port-a-cath," Monica explained.

"Port-a-cath?" Judy looked questioningly between Chandler and Monica.

Chandler spoke up first. "It's um, where they are going to put the chemo through so I don't have to be stuck all the time with needles. It'll protect my veins."

Judy gave him a pitying look. That was the last thing he wanted right now. But he knew she meant well. He said his goodbyes as some of the other guests left as well.

Finally, it was just the six of them again. Chandler, true to his nature, broke the silence. "Thanks Pheebs. Thanks Rach. It was very thoughtful of you guys to put this little shindig together."

"Yeah, well. You know...Hey, we still have cake. Anybody," Rachel enticed.

"No. Thanks anyway. I think I'll pass. I'm beat. Joey can have my share."

"Yeah baby!"

Chandler reclined back in his chair as Monica covered him with a blanket. He listened to the soft droning of voices as he drifted off to sleep, realizing that Phoebe was right. He was pretty lucky to know these people.

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"Mon, you didn't have to come with me. You've missed so much work already. Joey could've come with me." Chandler shivered as the nurse swabbed cold betadine on his chest.

"Honey, I wanted to be here with you. Remember, I told you before that you come first, then work." She held her hands apart, one higher than the other, to illustrate her point. Chandler smiled at the memory. That was a fight they had before he went to Tulsa. He swore he would never voluntarily leave her like that again.

They both watched with interest as the needle was inserted into his chest. The nurse taped it down and expertly hooked it up to the iv pump. She briefly explained what medications he would be receiving. Chandler was relieved to hear that there was one to counteract nausea in there. No since in taking any chances in his mind.

"How long is this going to take?" Chandler was growing paler by the minute as he watched the fluid begin dripping in the chamber.

"A few hours." The nurse paused to allow for more questions. When there were none, she pointed out the call light and instructed him to use it if he needed her. She then left to attend to other patients.

Now that the couple was finally alone, Monica scooted her chair next to Chandler's and took his hand. "Does it hurt," she asked tentatively.

"Uh-uh. This isn't so bad." He gave her a weak smile.

"Good," came her simple reply.

Neither one was sure what to say. It wasn't like there was an etiquette book for such situations. And nothing Monica could say would make this any easier. She was all too aware of that fact. And Chandler knew that no matter how much assurance he gave her, Monica would still worry about him.

The only sound was the soft ticking of the iv pump. Chandler snatched the remote and turned on the television for some distraction. Monica in turn, picked up a magazine and began thumbing through it.

The next three hours crawled by. When the machine began beeping, it startled Monica. "What's that?"

"It's okay. I think it's just empty, is all."

"Oh."

The nurse came in and mercifully stopped the beeping. "That's it. You're all done." She began the process of disconnecting him. "How are you feeling?"

"A bit queasy, but not as bad as I thought I would. Is this as bad as it gets?"

The nurse paused to consider how best to phrase her response. "Unfortunately, it has a cumulative effect. Usually the next couple of weeks are the worst, but everybody's different. You might get lucky."

"Great." Chandler's sarcasm shown through.

"Well, you are done here. I will see you next time."

Chandler stood up and reached for his jacket. Monica beat him to it and started to help him on with it. He inwardly groaned. This was another thing he did **not** want. He was still capable of performing some tasks and it was really beginning to drive him crazy that nobody would let him.

Monica kissed him and he felt guilty for feeling the way he did. Chandler knew their actions were out of love and concern, but he ached for normalcy again.

"So you really are feeling okay," she asked as they walked to the car.

"Yeah. Really. A little queasy and a little tired. But that's it."

"I'm glad." She hooked her arm through his.

"Me too. Hey, Mon...go back to work."

Monica stopped abruptly in the middle of the parking lot, not expecting him to say that. "What?"

"It's just - I really appreciate you taking off work to take care of me, but I just want you to get back to your normal life."

"You are my life, Chandler."

"And you're mine too. That's why I want you to get away from all this. Get away from me for a little bit." He noticed her hurt expression. "I need you. I need you to take care of yourself and stay healthy. Wearing yourself out like this isn't good for you. Plus, quite frankly, we need the income and benefits. My salary on leave isn't enough."

"Okay, you're right. I hate this - all of this!"

"I know. Me too." Chandler wrapped his arms around her.

"Of course. I'm sorry. You shouldn't be worrying about anything like finances. You only need to concentrate on getting better. That's your only job. Let me worry about the details."

"Well, you are pretty good at that," he chuckled. "Come on. Take me home."

Chandler crossed off the first week in his head. It had gone better than expected. And he was relieved that Monica saw the wisdom of his suggestion. She had been his nurse-maid around the clock and it was wearing on her. She never said so, but he could tell. It would be good for her to get out of the house and away from the situation. Hell, if he could get away from it he would.

He was walking a fine line, trying to remain strong. If he was totally honest with himself, inside he was a wreck. Chandler didn't dare let on how scared he was for fear of freaking out the others. But this house of cards he had built was in danger of collapsing around him, and he didn't know how much longer he could keep up the charade.

TBC

I know this part was some random events, but I want to move the story along. In the next part...how will Joey handle things?


	6. Chapter 6

Once I again, I really appreciate all the reviews. They really do mean a lot to me and I'm so grateful you all are sticking with me through this story.

As usual, none of 'em belong to me except the medical personnel.

The next week passed without much incidence. Chandler seemed to be doing okay so Monica went back to work part-time. Joey was accompanying him to his chemo treatment this week. Chandler observed Joey carefully. He could tell his friend was a bit overwhelmed, but was putting on a happy face for his sake. "Say, this place is pretty nice."

"Yeah, but the food sucks," Chandler quipped. He settled in to what he began to think of as the 'chemo chair.' The view from there allowed him to see into the room across the hall. He caught a glimpse of a woman that must have been about his age. A strong wind could've blown her away. Her pale, ashen complexion was alarming. Chandler couldn't help but wonder if that was what he'd become, or if he was on that road. The sight unnerved him.

If Joey noticed, he chose to hide it. His attention was focused on the nurses.

The nurse Chandler had last week walked in. "Hello, Mr. Bing. You ready?"

"Call me Chandler. Anybody putting poison in my veins should be on a first name basis with me," he said sardonically.

"Okay Chandler. I'm Andi by the way." To Joey she said, "Is he always like this?"

Joey smiled at her. "Yeah, pretty much. He kinda grows on you after awhile, though."

"Thanks man."

"By the way, how you doin'?"

"Joe, leave the nice nurse alone."

Andi finished attaching the catheters and started the machine pumping. "Okay, you know the drill. I'll be back." She gave Joey an amused look on the way out.

"Wow, she's hot." Chandler gave Joey a warning glance. "Yeaaah. Okay. So tv?"

Chandler threw Joey the remote. "Go to it, man." Joey flipped contentedly for the next half hour.

Chandler was beginning to get quite nauseated and was actually pretty tired. It didn't help the fact that he couldn't shake the image of the woman across the hall. He tried reading, but that just seemed to make his head hurt. He tossed the magazine aside in disgust.

Joey turned his attention from the television. Chandler was picking at his clothes, a sure sign of his agitation. "You okay, man?"

Chandler sighed deeply. "Yeah, basically."

Joey followed his gaze across the hall. He tried to hide his shock without success. He recovered by returning the focus onto Chandler. "You sure man? You look kinda green?"

Chandler broke his stare and turned towards Joey. "The medicine is kicking in."

Joey became flustered. "Can I get you something? Can I do anything?"

Chandler shook his head. He didn't trust himself to speak. The nauseousness was bubbling up and threatening to show itself in a rather unpleasant manner.

Joey wrung his hands in helpless frustration. He couldn't just sit by and watch. He decided to go talk to the nurse. "I'll be back - bathroom," he lamely excused.

He rounded a corner and found her writing furiously behind a desk. "Hey, Amy?"

"Andi, actually."

"Yeah, right. Andi. Um, Chandler's really looking sick in there. Can you do something?"

Andi was touched by Joey's concern for his friend. "We are giving him medicine to counteract the nausea. Unfortunately, there's not much more we can do."

"So he just has to be sick?" Joey was appalled. Medicine that was supposed to be helping his friend was making him seem sicker.

"I'm sorry. The medicine has to be really strong - strong enough to kill all the cancer cells. But it also attacks the good cells too." Andi began writing again, but Joey stopped her.

"I want to help. What's gonna happen? What can I do?"

Andi stood up and came around the desk. "He might get really sick. The next coupla weeks are usually the worst. He'll probably be really tired. He might lose his hair. Loss of appetite and weight loss, too. But the best thing you can do for him is what you're doing now; just be his friend and be there for him."

Joey glanced down at her hand on his arm. He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. He willed his voice not to crack. "He's gonna get radiation treatment too. How bad is that?"

"Usually it causes fatigue, sometimes a burn at the sight. It just depends really."

Joey hesitated. He wanted to ask the dreaded question, but he didn't dare. He had a lot of information to process right now. And he had to figure out how best to help Chandler through all this. "Thanks. Thanks a lot, Andi."

"You're welcome."

Joey barely heard her reply as he trudged down the hall. So much was on his mind, that he didn't at first register what he saw.

"I'm sorry," Chandler mumbled, adverting his eyes in embarrassment.

Joey's eyes shifted downward to the mess on the floor. He inwardly chided himself for not being in here to help his friend to the bathroom so he could throw up with dignity. In Joey's mind he had already failed his friend.

"I tried to get up...," Chandler tried to explain.

"It okay, buddy. I shoulda been here." Joey gathered some washcloths and wetted them. He threw a towel down on the floor, and then gently began attending to his friend.

He traced Chandler's lips with the washcloth. Chandler shifted his gaze upward. "I couldn't get up, Joe."

His voice was so small and defeated.. Joey battled his emotions down. "It's okay, man. It's okay." Joey hugged Chandler, attempting to comfort him. His friend's body began to twitch. "Do you need me to help you to the bathroom?"

Chandler nodded. Joey kicked the towel out of the way and carefully assisted Chandler to a standing position. The pair quickly made her way into the adjoining bathroom. Chandler nearly collapsed on the cold, tile floor in front of the toilet. The retching soon followed. He was vaguely aware of Joey's hand, rubbing circles on his back. Tears sprung to his eyes with each heave. Finally spent, he collapsed back against Joey.

Joey again dutifully cleaned up after his friend and helped him back to the chair, situating the iv pole nearest the bathroom.

"You know, Joe. You might have found your calling. You're pretty good at this nursing stuff."

Joey gave him a forced smile. "Anytime." In the back of his mind he was wondering how they'd make it home.

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Fortunately, Andi had provided them with an emesis basin for the drive home. Chandler used it once, but by now there wasn't much to get rid of.

Joey bore most of the weight as they made it up the stairs. "You wanna go in the bedroom?"

Chandler's knees wavered. "I think I'll stay on the couch. Closer to the bathroom." He closed his eyes against the nausea.

Joey hated to keep him awake, but Chandler needed some fluids. He filled a glass with tap water and brought it over. "Why don't you drink some?"

Chandler accepted it, but his hands were shaking so badly he could barely get it to his lips. Joey steadied his hands with his own and helped him sip.

Chandler coughed and spluttered. Joey took the glass and set it down. He aided his friend in lying back and covered him with a blanket. His eyes mercifully fell closed so Joey leaned back in the chair adjacent from the couch and began his vigil.

It was only two in the afternoon, but it felt like two in the morning. Although he was drained, Joey's mind was racing. Witnessing Chandler in such a state had been distressing to say the least. He felt a pang in his chest just imagining what the next couple of weeks would be like for his best friend. Andi's words kept replaying in his mind.

Joey was grateful it was actually still early in the afternoon. Monica was working through the dinner shift and Joey knew that Chandler would not want her to see him like this.

It just wasn't fair! This wasn't supposed to happen to his best friend. He was still so young, and trying to start a family. It was supposed to happen to other people, not someone he considered a brother. He wished it were him.

Joey's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of retching. He checked the couch, but Chandler wasn't there. Realizing he must have dozed off, he left his seat to find Chandler draped over the toilet. Hewas holdinghimself up with his forearms, heaving intermittently.

Joey again tried to comfort Chandler, but more retching soon followed, turning violent. Chandler was shaking with the effort and Joey tried to support him, but Chandler ripped away from his grasp to throw up again.

Joey finally got Chandler to relax against himand put his full weight on Joey. Chandler seemed to slow his breathing somewhat before he shot forward once again to empty the contents of his stomach.

The rest of the afternoon continued on like that. Joey was sick with worry. He considered taking Chandler to the hospital, but he kept hearing Andi's words. He ultimately decided to stay put and do whatever it took to see Chandler through this.

As the light started to shift in the apartment, Chandler sat back against Joey once more. He gripped the sink with both hands and tried to push himself up into a standing position. Joey got underneath of him and helped him the rest of the way up.

Chandler started towards the living room but faltered. He corrected himself and made his way carefully to the couch, using the other pieces of furniture for support. He wanted more than anything to tell Joey he was sorry and that he was glad he was here, but all his energy was sapped. He opted for a small smile.

Joey understood. There were no need for words. He stayed by Chandler's side until he fell asleep, and then he went to scrub the bathroom. Chandler didn't have to tell him what he already knew - Monica could not know how horrible this day had been. Joey prayed that after some rest, Chandler would feel better.

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Monica placed herself next to Chandler on the couch after disposing of her coat. "Hi, baby. How are you? Did everything go okay today?" She caressed his cheek lovingly.

"Yeah, I suppose. I got a little sick though - just a little," he added hurriedly.

"I'm so sorry honey. I wish I would have been here."

"Uh, no you don't. Besides, Joey took real good care of me." The two shared a look.

Monica moved towards the kitchen. "Well, are you hungry? I could make you something to eat?"

Chandler shook his head vehemently. Even the thought of food made him queasy all over again. "Too tired right now. Maybe later," he excused.

Monica continued to fuss over Chandler while Joey quietly slipped out. He ran into Ross in the hallway. "Hey."

"Hey. I was just coming over to check on Chandler. How's he doing?" Joey ushered Ross into his apartment. "Hey, what gives?"

Joey sank down into the chair and covered his face with his hands. It took Ross several seconds to realize Joey was crying. His heart sank into his stomach fearing the worst. "Joe..."

Joey swiped away the tears angrily. "It was horrible, Ross. He pretty much threw up for four hours straight. If this keeps up, I don't see how he'll get through this. And on top of everything, he's gotta start radiation treatment next week." Joey couldn't sit still. He got up and crossed to the kitchen. He grabbed a beer and tossed one to Ross.

Ross was at a loss for words. He took a swallow of beer and considered what Joey had told him. "I know it must be terrible, but lots of people go through it and come out okay."

"And lots of people don't!" Joey said this firmly, in a tone he was unaccustomed to using. "You weren't there! You didn't see how sick he was."

"You're right, I wasn't. But I will be next week."

Joey was taken aback by this revelation. Ross explained, "Chandler figured it's be easier on all of us if we took turns - especially Mon."

Joey relaxed. "Yeah. He's really afraid of how hard this is on her. So please, whatever you do, do not tell her what I told you today."

"She doesn't know?" Joey shook his head. "Okay, whatever Chandler wants. But she will find out eventually." There was a long pause where neither friend knew what to say. Ross finished his beer and set it on the counter. "C'mon. Let's go see Chandler."

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Chandler was propped up on the couch much the way Joey had left him. Monica was handing him a glass of water. His hands were still shaking as he sipped. If Monica saw, she chose to ignore it. She greeted Ross and Joey with a nod, her attention focused on Chandler.

Ross sat on the coffee table so he could be face to face with Chandler. "Hey, man."

"Hey." Chandler watched as Ross drummed his fingers against one another. "If you're training for the shadow puppet championship, I'd say you have a long way to go."

Ross laughed nervously. He avoided looking at Chandler directly. He didn't want to see the paleness and the weight loss that was already starting to be noticeable.

Chandler picked up on this and tried to break the ice with a joke. "Oh, how are you Chandler? Why Ross, I'm fine. I got this great weight loss diet I'm on. It's the no food, all puke diet. It's working great." Chandler smiled to cut the acidity of his remarks.

Ross returned a half-smile. "I'm glad your sense of humor is still intact."

"Yeah, I don't know about all my other parts though." Chandler sniffed at his clothes. "You know, I could use a shower and a change of clothes."

He sat himself up on the couch and steadied himself. He waved away a helping hand from Monica as he stood on shaky legs and slowly ambled off to the bathroom. After a nudge from Monica, Joey grabbed some clean clothes from the dresser and brought them into the bathroom. The shower was running, but Chandler hadn't quite got in yet. "Sorry man. I was just bringing in some..." he pointed at the clothes.

"It's okay. I'm just catching my breath."

"Do you need any help?"

"No. I'll be alright. Thanks, man." Joey left, but kept one eye and ear on the door.

Rachel and Phoebe came in. The both wanted to know how Chandler was doing. When they got a satisfactory answer they both went to help Monica in the kitchen.

It had been about a half hour. Joey was getting concerned. Just as he was about ready to knock on the bathroom door, Chandler exited. He jumped at coming face to face with Joey.

"Sorry, man. I was just getting ready to - "

"- check up on me," Chandler finished for him.

"Yeah." Joey shifted his weight from foot to foot. The awkward moment was broken by Chandler when he stepped aside and went into the bedroom.

Monica watched the exchange with curiosity. She distractedly rattled off some instructions to Rachel and Phoebe about cooking dinner, and followed him into the bedroom.

She found her husband sitting on the bed with his head hanging down, cupped between his hands. Monica sat down next to him and stroked his back. It was silent for a few minutes before she finally spoke up. "Honey, are you really alright?"

Chandler raised his head to look at her. "Yeah. Just really tired, sweetie." He yawned to emphasize the point.

"Why don't you lie down for awhile and get some rest?"

"Everyone's out there. I don't wanna be rude." In truth, he felt that by giving in to the fatigue, he would be giving into the disease.

"Sweetie, they'll understand. You're sick and you've gotta take care of yourself."

"Yeah, everyone keeps reminding me of that." Chandler sucked in air through his nose. "Look, I don't mean to complain. I just want..."

Monica placed a warm hand on his shoulder. "What?"

"I want to be treated normally. I want things to go back to the way they were. You shouldn't have to work so hard. Joey should be watching Baywatch with me, not watching me throw up. I hate going through this, but I hate having all of you worrying about me even more. I don't know what I'm trying to say..."

Chandler was on the verge of breaking down, and so was Monica. He was just so...worn out. He willed her not to cry. If she let go, so would he. And he was trying so hard to be strong for her.

As if reading his thoughts, she stood up and turned away from him in an attempt to get herself under control. The last thing he needed was for her to break down in front of him. She began straightening and re-straightening items atop the dresser. Cleaning always calmed her down. "I know you're probably not too hungry, but I could fix you some soup or something."

"Soup sounds fine."

Grateful to have something to do, she left.

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Chandler lay on the cold, steel table. He felt a heavy object draped across his midsection and then rearranged to cover his genitals. "Usually my wife buys me dinner first before... oh, nevermind." The joke died on his lips as he realized that whoever-it-was had already left.

He felt something cold on his thigh and he nearly sat up until a hand gently restrained him. "Just marking the spot, Mr. Bing. You'll be under the machine soon."

"Can't wait," Chandler answered wryly.

He heard the machine being moved into place and a warm sensation began right above his knee. The radiologist had told him to expect to be in here for about a half hour so he replayed the ride to the treatment center with Ross in his head - not that there was much to replay.

Ross had been silent for the majority of the time. It seemed as if he were about to say something several times, but for whatever reason he held the words back.

Chandler was mildly annoyed. He hadn't really talked to his friend since he had disclosed his illness, other than small talk. He didn't know what he expected of Ross, but certainly more than this blank slate. He missed his friend.

The uncomfortable silence continued in the waiting room until Chandler's name was finally called. Only then did Ross utter a cursory, "Good luck."

The machine went quiet, jolting Chandler out of his thoughts. "That's it, Mr. Bing."

"Really? That's it?" He sat up on the table feeling exposed. The hospital gown barely covered him.

"Yes, really. That marking on your leg needs to stay there until the radiation treatment is over."

As the assistant left, he stared at the purple marking on his right leg, just above the knee. It was weird to think that that spot, underneath all the skin and muscle, was where the cancer had infiltrated his bone. Such a thought was hard to fathom. It still seemed surreal somehow.

Chandler quickly pulled on his shirt and pants and met Ross in the waiting room. They walked without speaking to the other floor of the treatment center. They entered into chaos. Chandler spotted Andi rushing past him. "Hey, Andi."

"Hi Chandler. Look, we've got a little situation here so it might be awhile before I can get you started. Could you wait for me in room 8 down at the end of the hall?"

"Sure, no problem." She was gone before he answered. As they passed the room Andi had disappeared into, Chandler couldn't help but peak in. The woman he had seen across the hallway last week was being frantically worked on by a team of doctors and nurses. There was a red cart next to her.

Ross tried to pull him away, but his feet were rooted to the spot. Andi caught his eye. She noticed his horrified expression and gestured with her head for him to go. He did so reluctantly.

Ross could tell his friend was visibly shaken by what they had just witnessed. He tried to distract him with some inane conversation, but Chandler was obviously lost in his own world.

"Are you mad at me, Ross?" The question seemed to come from left field.

"No! My God, why would you think that?"

"It's just - well...you haven't really been talking to me lately."

At first Ross denied it, but then he looked down ashamed. "The truth is, I don't really have a good reason. I just don't know how to act around you."

"Because I'm sick," Chandler questioned softly.

Ross sniffed back a tear. He nodded. "Yeah."

"I'm still the same guy. Nothing's changed. Okay, maybe one thing's changed. But I'm still your old college roommate. I'm still your brother-in-law. And I am most definitely still your friend."

Ross tried to hide the fact that he was now openly crying. "Deep down I know that. But I'm scared of losing all those guys."

"Me too. But what scares me the most about this whole thing is I might lose you - or all you guys. Who wants to be around a sick guy?"

Ross gathered the courage to look him in the eye. "I am so sorry. I've been such an ass. Still friends?" Chandler shrugged and gave him a smirk. Ross saw the gleam in Chandler's eyes and knew they would be okay.

"Wanna hug it out?"

Andi walked in as they were embracing. "I guess I should have knocked first." The pair of friends cleared their throats and turned away from each other, cheeks burning.

Chandler took a seat in the now-familiar chair. "That other girl - is she okay?"

Andi smiled sadly and shook her head. She could read Chandler's expression and saw that he was putting himself in that patient's place. "She had stage 4 ovarian cancer with mets to the brain. The chemo was palliative. There was no chance of recovery. **You**, on the other hand, have an excellent chance of remission. So let's get started."

Chandler unbuttoned the first two buttons of his shirt allowing Andi access to the port. He gauged Ross's reaction to the process, and to his credit, he didn't wince as the needle was inserted as Joey and Monica did. But Ross was rather nonplused at the medicine dripping in.

Ross busied himself checking out all of the medical equipment in the room. That was fine with Chandler. He reclined back and drifted off into sleep.

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Chandler had never been so grateful to be back in their apartment again. The fatigue was encompassing and the need to throw up was becoming urgent. He hurried past Ross into the bathroom and just made it. "Deja vu," he gasped in between the retching.

Ross stood in the doorway unsure of what to do. Once the heaving slowed down he helped Chandler out of his jacket. He stepped into the other room to hang it up and slip out of his own. He halted, hearing more retching coming from the bathroom.

Chandler cried out. Ross rushed back into the bathroom and found Chandler on the floor, his face contorted in pain. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"Don't know...hurts," was all he could squeak out. He was shivering violently. Ross snatched a blanket off the couch and wrapped it around Chandler's shoulders.

The shivering abated somewhat, but reemerged with each new round of heaves. Ross threw an arm around him for warmth. "Shit, Chandler. You're burning up."

Ross reached around and got the thermometer out of the medicine cabinet. He made Chandler put it in his mouth. When it beeped he took it out. 103.1!

Chandler squinted to see the reading, but he was shaking too much and looked at Ross. "It's 103.1. I'm calling the doctor."

That was the last thing Chandler wanted. If he had to go to the hospital, then Monica would follow. It would upset her, and that thought disturbed him. He had caused her enough grief of late.

Ross came back in the room calmly. "Chandler, the doctor said I should take you to the ER so they can find out what's causing this fever."

Chandler leaned his head back against the cold tiled wall trying to refrain from crying. He had never felt so sick in his life. He wanted it to end.

He vaguely felt Ross putting his jacket on and rewrapping him in a blanket. He knew he was now standing, but he didn't remember getting up. Something was pulling him through the apartment and into a car. Time was choppy and overlapping. He thought he saw Joey, but Ross was with him. Or was it Joey? Things were all muddled in his head. He felt arms lifting him up as the darkness engulfed him.

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"Ross! Where is he? Is he okay?" Monica came tearing down the hallway. Her words came out in a rush, forming one long sentence.

Ross caught her by the shoulders. "He's gonna be okay. He was really dehydrated and his white blood cell count is really low. He's got an infection, but they are treating him with antibiotics."

"Where is he? I need to see him!" Monica couldn't keep the panic out of her voice. Deep down she knew the cancer was real, but on the surface denial lingered. It was the only way she could function. If she gave into the fear, it would be letting this disease overtake their lives. And that just wasn't an option.

Ross pointed to a room across the hall. Monica started that way but he stopped her. "Uh, Mon. You gotta wear a mask."

She donned the mask quickly and pushed through the door. Chandler appeared to be asleep, but as she moved closer he opened his eyes. "Are you here to rob me," he joked. Monica was confused until he gestured at the mask.

She put on a smile. "Hi, baby. How you feeling?"

They entwined hands. "Better. I didn't mean to worry you."

She blinked back tears. "So what did the doctor say?"

"I gotta stay a couple of more days and get iv antibiotics and get my white count up. But the good news is no chemo next week until my white blood cells come up." He put on a brave face to reassure her, but was too weak to stay sitting up. He layed back against the pillow, and pulled his wife down next to him. They stayed that way until visiting hours were over.

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It was over a week before Chandler got to come home. His white blood cell count stubbornly refused to go up. Although there was no chemotherapy treatment this week, he was still able to have the radiation treatment.

His leg was becoming quite sore, and as a result he was limping slightly. Joey had a hand on his arm to steady him. "Really, I'm alright. I just wanna take a shower and get the hospital funk off of me."

Monica gave him a stern look, but she could see she wasn't going to sway him. "Okay, fine. But use Joey's. It's easier to get in and out of."

Chandler conceded that point and headed towards Joey's apartment. Once in the bathroom he stripped down to his boxers. He caught his reflection in the mirror. The sight he saw disgusted him. He was pale and his ribs jutted out. There were bags under his eyes and his skin hung loosely on his thin frame. Only two months ago he was a healthy, relatively happy man. How fast things changed.

There was a knock on the door. "Chan, I got some clean towels." Chandler reluctantly opened the door to accept the towels. If Joey was appalled at his appearance, he didn't show it. "Uh, can I ask you something?"

"Sure. What?"

"What's that purple writing on your leg?" Joey reached out to touch it and Chandler involuntarily took a step back. Joey looked at him apologetically.

"It's there so they know where to give me the radiation, Joe. It's gotta stay there until it's over."

"Oh, right." Joey couldn't think of anything else to say. He backed out and closed the door behind him. As soon as he heard the shower running, he sat down and cried. It was something he was doing more and more of lately.

Chandler's fragile appearance was disturbing enough, but the purple markings on his leg were heartbreaking. Even Joey could figure out that for Chandler it was an outward reminder, everyday, that that's where the cancer had spread. Every time he got dressed or went to the bathroom, his best friend had to face his own mortality. Where was the sense of it all? Why did one man in his 30's get stricken while the man beside him stayed totally healthy. How could God allow that?

Joey couldn't wrap his brain around it. He was so overwhelmed with love for his best friend that his heart literally ached. When Chandler emerged from the shower dripping wet, Joey hugged him so hard that they both nearly fell over.

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Chandler awakened to a note on the pillow next to him._ Chandler, I didn't want to wake you. Rachel will be here at 9 to take you to chemo. I love you with all my heart. Monica_.

Something else on his pillow captured his attention. He ran his hand over the pillow. Fine brown hairs danced off the pillow. It took a few seconds to register that the hairs belonged to him.

He ran out of the bedroom, headed straight for the bathroom mirror. His fingers trembled as he ran them through his hair. Big clumps came out with each sweep of his hand. He stared at his reflection in horror.

On some level he knew this was going to happen. But every little setback or side effect took him down a notch. Already insecure, he felt monstrous, completely unlovable. He was Quasimodo - he was **diseased**. Self pity threatened to overtake him again.

"Hello? Chandler?" Rachel came in and set her purse on the kitchen table. Chandler splashed some water on his face. He desperately searched for a hat or something to cover up his head.

Rachel knocked. He knew there was no disguising it so he took a deep breath and opened the door.

Chandler sat down on the edge of the tub. "I'm losing my hair, Rach," he stated matter-of-factly. The tears threatened to spill over.

Rachel reached out to comb her fingers through his hair, but stopped mid-air when she noticed the patchiness. Her hands flew to her mouth and she teared up. "Oh, Chandler."

She sat down on the tub next to him and slung her arm across his shoulders. She layed her head on his shoulder. Chandler picked at a loose thread.

"Ya know Chandler. There are a lot of sexy bald guys out there."

"Name one."

"Sean Connery."

"I don't have an accent."

"Or, ooh. Bruce Willis. He is definitely hot."

"John McClane? I am definitely not cool enough."

"Yeah, okay," she agreed. "I know it sounds stupid now, but it will grow back."

"Yeah, I know," he conceded. "I know it sounds silly and vain and stuff, but I kinda liked my hair. I was attached to it."

Rachel gave him a playful shove. "Ha, ha."

"Help me fix it?" He handed her a razor.

"I would love to, but we're gonna be late." She handed him back the razor.

"We can do it there I guess. At least help me find a cool hat?"

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"I look like that lady on the syrup bottle," Chandler sneered referring to the red bandana on his head.

"No you don't. For one thing you don't have boobs. And for another thing you're not fat."

"How come I have a sudden craving for pancakes?"

They walked swiftly into the treatment center and up to the floor. "It was the best I could do on short notice. It's not that bad."

Chandler led her into the room and sat down in the chair. He gave her a look. "Okay. How 'bout we go shopping and get a cool hat after all this?"

He gave a noncommital nod. He wasn't sure how he would feel later. Rachel gave him a questioning look, but dropped it when Andi walked in.

After the process of initiating the chemo, Chandler handed Rachel the razor. "Get started."

"What, here?"

Chandler shrugged. "There's nothing better to do." She plugged it in and got started as he requested. The buzzing of the razor drowned out the ticking of the iv pump.

Rachel observed his face for any signs of distress. Chandler looked mildly uncomfortable, but otherwise okay. She switched the razor off and stepped back. "Do you want to see.."

Chandler shook his head and smiled. "No thanks. I think I'll pass." Rachel was staring. "Is it that bad?"

"No, I just never realized what a great smile you have."

"Um, thanks I guess." The nausea was about to make an unwelcome appearance. He was growing rather tired of emptying his stomach contents in front of his friends. "Hey, Rach? I'm actually a little hungry. Would you mind getting some crackers or something outta the vending machine?"

"Of course, sweetie. I'll be right back."

As soon as Rachel was out the door, Chandler rushed to the bathroom. He was in a cold sweat from the effort, but he still barely made it.

Rachel was halfway to the vending machine before she realized she had forgotten her purse. As she got closer to the room she heard the retching. Her first instinct was to run in there, but something gave her pause. Chandler had obviously sent her out on a false errand.

She waited until she heard the toilet flush and the door open before she reentered. "Forgot my purse."

"Oh okay."

Chandler was trying to compose himself for her benefit and it didn't go unnoticed. Rachel played along. Throughout the chemo session he kept glancing at her with this guilty, embarrassed expression. She wished he didn't feel as if he had to hide his illness from her.

"Honey, if you don't feel like going shopping, we don't have to."

"Actually, I think I'm okay."

"Yeah?"

"Mm-hm. Besides, I really need to get a hat to cover up this red bandana."

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Rachel skipped ahead. "Ooh, how about this one?" She went through a variety of hats and Chandler made a face at every one of them.

"Come oooon, Chandler. Give me some idea."

Chandler was only half listening. Everywhere around him, it seemed people were staring at him. Neither a red bandana nor a man with no hair was exactly inconspicuous, no matter how much he wished he blended in with the wallpaper.

Rachel came up to him with another armload of hats. He searched among them until he came up with a simple black baseball cap with a cartoon character on it. "This is it. This is the one."

"Ugh, finally! You are even pickier than I am." She left to pay for the purchase. When she returned, Chandler took it from her and placed it on his head backwards. He left the store in a hurry, away from all the staring.

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"Where the hell have you been," Monica asked accusingly.

"Getting chemo and radiation, remember," Chandler retorted.

"Yes, but it's almost dinner time. You're usually home hours by now," Monica reminded him.

Rachel defended him. "Go easy on him. I took him shopping."

"Shopping! What were you thinking! After the chemo, he feels -"

"Mon, it was my idea. I feel okay today. I needed something and Rachel was just helping me out."

Monica's concern was masked in anger. "What could you need so urgently?"

"A hat," he stated simply.

Monica was perplexed. He had tons of old ratty hats that she begged him to throw out. Realization dawned on her as he removed the baseball cap and she got a glimpse of the red bandana beneath it. He would normally never be caught dead in such a get-up. Chandler removed the bandana revealing only skin, where the day before had been thick, luxurious brown hair. Monica's tears dampened his shirt as she clung to him "I don't know what to say. I shouldn't have gotten so upset. I was just worried something had happened to you," she whispered into his shirt.

"I'm here, baby. I'm not going anywhere." He stroked her raven hair soothingly.

Rachel slipped out after a wave to Chandler. He mouthed 'thanks' to her as she drew the door shut.

Chandler pulled Monica in for a kiss. She eyed him hungrily and led him towards to bedroom. She disrobed him, as well as herself as she pushed him gently onto the bed. He returned her advances eagerly. It had been months since they had been intimate.

Monica let her hands roam up Chandler's body. She reached up to take off his hat, but he deflected her. She made another attempt, but he stopped her once again. "Please, Mon. Don't."

She saw the insecurity in his eyes. Monica tried to reassure him with a kiss and an 'I love you', but he wasn't swayed. "Honey, if you're not feeling up to it, we don't have to."

"I want to. Boy do I want to. But I'm not sure if it's fair to you."

She leaned up on one arm. "How do you mean?"

"I mean...look at me. Besides...I don't even know if I can." He studied his hands.

Monica hooked her finger under his chin and tilted it upwards until they were face to face. She took a breath before beginning. "Do you remember that conversation we had after I ran into that woman you broke up with because she got fat?" He nodded in response. "Good, because you said you'd love me no matter what I look like or no matter what happened because I'm me. That's the way I feel about you. I don't care what you look like. I love you because you're Chandler - you're you. No side effects, no illness will ever change that."

Chandler hung on her every word. He wanted so badly to believe her. There was no doubt she loved him, but it didn't change the fact that he didn't feel like the man she married - the man he promised her he could be.

Monica kissed him tenderly. She slid a hand under the covers, and he responded. They made love slowly and sweetly, savoring the moment.

They collapsed back onto the pillows completely satisfied. "Wow!"

"I know!" Monica shouted her signature phrase.

"You're amazing." Chandler picked his hat up and put it back on his head.

"You weren't so bad yourself." Monica was glowing, but she was saddened that Chandler didn't feel secure enough with her to leave his hat off. She didn't want him to feel self-conscious around her, but she didn't know how to convince him of that. Instead she smiled at him, and lay her head on his chest.

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Ross, Joey, and Chandler were tossing the football around in the park. With several more rounds of chemo and radiation behind him, Chandler was getting into the routine. He felt bad for a couple of days and then he had a couple relatively normal days. Today was one of the latter.

The fall wind was chilly, a reminder that summer had come and gone. The leaves crunched underfoot. Ross was telling some 'interesting' facts about dinosaurs that Chandler had long since tuned out. "Ross," Joey interrupted. "Stop with the dinosaurs already. It's dino-boring." Joey looked over at Chandler trying to get him to join in mocking Ross, but Chandler was a million miles away. "You okay, man?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, just tired. I think I'll sit out awhile." Chandler made his way over to the park bench and eased down.

Joey and Ross did not fail to notice the limp that Chandler had developed in recent weeks. He never complained, but it became obvious that he was in quite a bit of pain. The two friends joined Chandler on an adjacent bench.

"You know, I'm kinda hungry. You guys want to go to Central Perk and get some coffee or something?" Ross shot Joey a look to prompt a response. Ross didn't want to make it seem like they had stopped playing because Chandler had.

"Uh, yeah. I wouldn't mind some coffee. Chan?" Joey gestured with his hand and dropped the football in the process. He reached behind the bench Chandler was sitting on to retrieve it, but on the way back up he inadvertently knocked Chandler's hat off. "Oh man. I'm sorry."

Chandler scrambled to pick it up and shoved it back on his head. "It's okay," he muttered.

Joey swallowed hard. "Is that - is that from the chemo?"

Chandler nodded without making eye contact. There was an awkward silence that followed. Ross and Joey could tell he didn't want to talk about it. "So, coffee?" Chandler began limping in the general direction of the coffee house. Joey and Ross followed.

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Ross set three steaming mugs down on the table and sat down on the couch next to Chandler. Chandler subsequently got up. "Going to the bathroom," he explained.

Ross and Joey watched as he walked away. Ross scooted closer to the chair Joey was sitting in. "How much weight has he lost, Joey?"

Joey shrugged. "I'm not exactly sure, but it's a lot. He hardly eats and he throws up a lot. He tries to hide it, but..."

Ross sighed. "I'm worried about him. He looks awful. And have you noticed him limping?"

"Yeah," Joey admitted reluctantly.

"I wonder how much longer he has on the treatments."

"I'm not sure yet."

Ross was startled. He hadn't heard Chandler come up behind him. "You're not sure?"

Chandler came around the couch and sat back down. "I had some blood drawn and a bone marrow biopsy a couple of days ago. I haven't got the results back yet. The only thing I know is that I have 30 more radiation treatments."

"30?" Joey was astonished. That was way over the original number.

"Is there are echo in here? Yeah, 30." Chandler cleared his throat and dampened his biting tone. "Yeah, um...that spot isn't going away as fast as they thought. They're stepping it up a notch."

"I'm sorry man."

Chandler tossed the football from hand to hand. He shrugged dismissively. " Yeah, well...what can you do?"

Chandler started to get up again, but Joey held up a hand to stop him. "So that's it?"

"Pretty much. Look, I don't know what you expect me to say. I kinda don't have a choice here."

"Isn't there something else the doctor can do? Some sort of alternative therapy?"

"Have you been talking to Phoebe lately? Look, I'm gonna do what has to be done." Chandler had gone on the defensive.

Ross shot Joey a warning glance to back down. Joey thankfully took the cue. "I'm really not trying to get on your case. It's just we're all worried about you. I thought all this treatment was supposed to make you better, not sicker."

Chandler couldn't help himself; he snapped. "I have cancer, Joe. Do you understand that. I **am** sick, but I'm doing everything I can to change that short of letting them cut off my leg."

Ross nearly choked on his coffee. "Wh-wh-what? Did you say 'cut off your leg'? As in amputate?"

"Yeah. That's why they're stepping up the radiation treatment. Alright? They are trying to prevent the cancer from spreading even further so they can save my leg. Are you happy now?" Chandler made another attempt to get up again, but Joey sat him back down.

"Don't leave like that. I didn't mean to upset you. We all just want to see you get better. It hurts to see you like this."

Gunther watched the exchange from behind the counter. Heated words were traded. He caught the words 'cancer' and 'treatments'. Clearly it was one of the three guys that was the subject of the discussion. He hoped it was Ross. He hated that guy, or any guy Rachel was going out with for that matter. But as he studied the three friends, it became clear who was the unlucky one.

Chandler got up for the third time, but this time no one stopped him. He limped out into the cold. Three pairs of eyes followed his retreat. He paused slightly as his eyes scrunched up in pain. He moved out of sight shortly thereafter.

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Chandler walked angrily down the street. _Didn't they get it? Didn't anyone get it?_ He was in a fight for his life here. He had no say in the side effects of those drugs, or if they even worked or not. He wanted so desperately for this to end. Losing his hair sucked, but losing a leg was even worse. **That** wouldn't grow back.

His ringing cell phone interrupted his thoughts. He looked at the screen. It was the doctor calling with the results. He paused on the sidewalk to answer it as the people streamed past him on the sidewalk. Chandler sank to the curb and sat dumbfounded as he listened. The doctor wanted to speak to him in his office immediately. A face to face meeting was not a good sign. Good news was given over the phone, but bad news..._No more bad news. Please, no more bad news._

TBC

What was Chandler's news?


	7. Chapter 7

Please don't stop reviewing...I love all the encouragement. Thank you everyone! This part in particular is for Violetfishy who gave me the confidence to post this part. Thank you:D

I don't own any of them

Phoebe entered Joey's apartment. Rachel, who was now staying with Joey, looked up from her magazine. "Hey Pheebs."

"Hey." Phoebe plopped down in a chair and sighed heavily. "Joey around?"

"Nope. I think he had an audition." Phoebe appeared crestfallen. "What's up Pheebs?"

Phoebe waved dismissively. "It's nothing. It's stupid."

Rachel sat on the arm of the chair and put her arm around Phoebe's shoulder. "C'mon, something's bothering you. You can tell me." She gave her shoulder a supportive squeeze.

"Alright. I haven't been sleeping much lately." Judging by Phoebe's haggard appearance Rachel had already guessed that. "I've been having this dream over and over - a couple of times a week."

"'Bout what sweetie?"

"That's just it. I'm not really sure. I just have this bad...feeling. I see Joey on a plane and he's obviously upset. I think Ross may even be there. And I see me, you and Mon looking at our watches like we're waiting for something. But I have no idea what. And then I wake up. Usually I've been crying in my sleep and I wake up really sad." Phoebe seemed as if she would start crying now.

"Oh, honey. How long has this been going on?"

"About six months now."

Rachel mulled that over. It didn't take her long to make the connection. She watched Phoebe get up and grab a juice from the fridge before she spoke, "Six months, huh? Either that explains it or it's an awfully big coincidence," Rachel was thinking out loud.

"Rachel, what in the hell are you talking about?"

"Did your dreams start about the time Chandler was diagnosed?"

Phoebe pondered that for a moment. "Yeah, I guess. But I don't see what that has to do with anything. Chandler's not even **in** my dream." Rachel raised her eyebrows at Phoebe. Phoebe drew in a sharp breath. "Oh my God! I'm dreaming of the future - one without Chandler in it!"

"Not necessarily. Freud believed we work out our anxieties in our dreams. Maybe you're dealing with this whole thing by doing just that - working it out in your subconscious."

"That sounds like a really good explanation, but it's not like I'm super stressed out like the others."

Rachel chewed on her lip. "I'm not exactly sure what you mean."

Phoebe played with her hair. "Of course I feel really sad and I worry about Chandler. But this whole thing is hardest on him, Mon, and Joey. My worries kinda pale in comparison. That's all I meant."

Rachel nodding in understanding, but Phoebe's recurring dream disturbed her. She had a sense of foreboding deep in her gut.

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Chandler sat across from the doctor, shaken up by what he just heard. He had expected bad news, but not this bad news. "Are - are you sure?"

The doctor gave a curt nod. "The tests confirm it. We need to start ASAP."

Chandler swallowed hard. "I need to talk to my wife."

"Of course."

Chandler stood up and shook the doctor's hand, more out of polite habit than gratitude. "I'll be in touch."

He walked out of the office numb. He reached out to touch the elevator button and realized his hand was trembling.

The elevator doors opened and Chandler rushed out of the building, not really sure where he was going. So many thoughts ran through his head that he couldn't think clearly. Monica had to be told; that was obvious. It was the 'how' that gave him pause once again.

The city passed by in a blur of lights and sounds. He wanted to be the cab driver, the hot dog vendor, the traffic cop...anyone but him. His life was tumbling down around him one brick at a time and he had no idea how to hold up the wall.

Chandler stared at the pack of cigarettes that suddenly appeared in his hand unbeknownst to him. After a brief inner debate, he lit one and took a long drag. It had an immediate calming effect. The world came back into focus again and he knew what he had to do.

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Monica rushed through the supermarket picking up various ingredients. She had been experimenting with different dishes, trying to find something that Chandler could eat without getting sick. Her last several experiments had failed miserably. Even the macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs made him sick.

The amount of weight he had lost seemed to grow day by day. His appearance was teetering on gaunt. Sometimes it hurt her just to look at him. She had never loved anyone like this and if multiple culinary endeavors kept his weight up, she would gladly do it.

Monica was reaching for an onion when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around and subsequently let the onion fall to the ground. It rolled down the aisle.

"Hello, Monica."

"Rich - Richard."

Richard picked up the onion and fingered it. "You can close your mouth now."

"Right. Um, how have you been?" She took the onion back and tossed it in the basket. She motioned him to join her at the checkout counter.

Richard obediently followed. "Pretty good, actually. I'm a grandfather again. So how are things with you? How's Chandler?"

Monica quickly bagged her items and left the store without responding. "Did I say something wrong? Talk to me, Monica." Richard stepped in front of her and blocked her path.

Monica reached out and squeezed his forearm. She led him over to a bench across the street. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. We've all been under a lot of stress lately."

"Are you and Chandler having...problems?"

"Not the way you're insinuating," Monica snapped. Monica's face softened and she looked at him apologetically. She started over. "It has been a tough six months." She chewed on her bottom lip to suppress the emotions that wanted to bubble over the surface.

"Care to elaborate?"

Monica let her hair fall softly in front of her face without brushing it back. She exhaled, causing her hair to riffle slightly. "Chandler's been sick."

Richard blinked in surprise. It was such a broad statement. She could've meant, well anything. "Is he okay?" Monica only shook her head, not trusting herself to speak. "Monica?"

Monica squeezed her eyes shut to keep back the tears. "No. No he's not." She tried to get her breathing under control. "He has - he has cancer." All the feelings she had been holding in came out in a rush. She sobbed openly against his jacket.

Richard accepted her onto his shoulder. He was shocked and saddened at the news. He really liked Chandler and genuinely wanted Monica and Chandler to have a happy life together. He meant what he said when he told Chandler to go after her. "I'm so sorry."

In time Monica settled down, and she filled in all the blanks from surgery to chemo. She even disclosed the reason for her errand. She invited him to dinner without thinking, and he accepted. He wanted to see Chandler for himself and see if there was anything he could do.

Monica had second thoughts, but the invitation was already extended. Out of consideration, she decided to call Chandler.

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"Hello?" Chandler jumped across the couch to answer the phone.

"Hi, baby. How are things going?" Monica's voice was very tentative and Chandler did not miss that fact.

"You know, the usual." Chandler needed to tell her, but he did not want to do it over the phone.

"Are you feeling alright?"

Chandler was becoming slightly annoyed at that question. "I suppose. Why don't you tell me what's going on, Mon."

"I kinda ran into someone today." Chandler could hear her breathing on the other end. "Richard."

Chandler chose not to respond. Monica knew how he felt about him. God, that was all he needed today. He rubbed his free hand over his face.

"He wanted to see everybody so...I asked him over for dinner. I hope it's okay. If it's not, just say the word" Her words came out in a rush belying her nervousness. "Are you there?"

"Yeah, I'm here. That's fine." He knew he sounded less-than-enthusiastic, but in reality in would allow him to put off telling Monica the bad news.

"Okay, good. We'll see you soon." She hung up the phone. Chandler immediately picked up the phone and called Joey for backup.

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Richard was stunned at Chandler's wan appearance. He tried to cover it with a warm smile and a handshake, but he got the distinct feeling Chandler saw through it.

An uncomfortable silence ensued. Chandler felt like a specimen under a microscope. He adjusted his baseball cap and pushed up the sleeves of his baggy sweater. "So um, Richard...how are things with you?"

"Good. Good. Can't complain. You?"

Chandler laughed uncomfortably. "I thought you knew. I kinda thought that's why you were here."

Richard nodded noncommitally. "Yep. You caught me."

Chandler gave Monica a sidelong glance which she pretended not to notice. He silently pleaded with Joey to hurry up.

"So Monica tells me you see Dr. Marshall?"

"Yeah."

"He's one of the best. You're in good hands." More awkward silence followed. "So are you finished with treatment?"

The oven timer dinged drawing Monica into the kitchen and out of earshot. Only then did Chandler respond. "Not exactly."

Joey burst into the apartment slightly out of breath. "Hey guys! What's for dinner?"

Chandler smiled inwardly at Monica's annoyed countenance. "Good to see you, Joe." Sometimes Joey's timing was impeccable.

Joey gave Chandler's shoulder a brotherly pat as he passed. He headed straight for the refrigerator. "Hey Chan, catch. You need to drink that."

Chandler's hand closed around a bottle of water. He twisted off the cap and took a sip. "I have two personal nurse-maids," he joked weakly to Richard as Monica put dinner on the table.

Chandler spent much of the dinner pushing food around his plate while listening to the forced small talk. He was reluctant to eat. Throwing up in front of company was not his idea of a fun evening, but then again, neither was sitting across the table from your wife's ex-boyfriend.

Joey nudged him in the ribs, laughing at something Richard had said. That move triggered an ache deep in his chest. It spread down to his belly sparking off a wave of nausea. He quickly excused himself, barely making it. The few bites he had eaten had come back up. He sat back on the edge of the tub trying to gather his dignity before going back out there. A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts. "I'm fine, Mon. I'm okay, Joe."

The door opened slowly. "It's not either one."

Chandler's humiliation reached new heights when he saw Richard standing before him. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," he answered breathlessly.

"Does this happen every night?"

Chandler nodded sheepishly. Richard started examining him. "What're you doing?"

"Chandler, you're dangerously dehydrated. You need to go to the hospital and get fluids."

"No!" Chandler shook his head vehemently. "No hospital. Not tonight. I won't do it."

Richard knew that arguing with Chandler was pointless. He tried a new tactic. "I've got an idea. I've got some supplies at work. We could give you some fluids here. Only...I don't have any supplies to access your port. I'd have to stick you."

Chandler glance down at his port that was currently exposed. He adjusted his sweater to cover it up. He mulled over Richard's idea. Truthfully, he probably was dangerously dehydrated, and it sure beat going to the ER. "Okay."

Richard returned nearly an hour later. Chandler laid on the couch and offered up his arm. Monica and Joey watched as Richard slid the needle home. Once all the tubing was connected, he hooked up the saline and hung it on the coatrack that they were using as a makeshift iv pole. Richard eyed the drip chamber.

Chandler watched the fluid infusing. "Thanks, Richard."

"No sweat." He turned to Monica and gave her some instructions. "I'm going to take off now, but I'll come back tomorrow to take out the iv. Remember, two more bags after this."

Monica walked him to the door. "Thank you for everything."

"No, thank you. But please, if either of you need anything, call me."

"Sure."

"And Monica? Take care of Chandler."

"Count on it." She accepted a quick peck on the cheek and clicked the door shut behind him.

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Joey had just left and the couple was finally alone. Chandler still lay on the couch and Monica came and sat beside him. She slid her hand into his and waited for him to open his eyes. "The last bag's almost done."

He looked behind him sleepily. "Yeah," He let out a long sigh. "The doctor called me today. He wanted me to come see him...so I did."

Monica's heart fluttered in her chest. She suddenly didn't want to know what new obstacle would be tossed in their path. Chandler's eyes slowly came into view. Their blueness was magnified by the unshed tears. At that moment her heart stopped completely. "What did he say?"

"You want the good or the bad first?"

"Good."

"All my lymph nodes are now cancer free. But -" He drew her head onto his chest. Chandler couldn't bear to see the look on her face when he told her. "- the spot on my leg isn't going away. In fact, it's gotten bigger. They want to do about four more weeks of radiation treatment."

Monica started to raise her head, but Chandler gently pushed it back against his chest. "And there's more bad news..."

This time Chandler couldn't stop her from sitting up. He read the anxiety in her eyes, but she remained quiet waiting for him to continue. "The scan revealed a new spot - on my lung." He took both of Monica's hands in his. "It's still spreading, Mon."

Monica let out the breath she had been holding. Her next breath turned into a sob. "Are they sure?"

Chandler kissed the top of her head. "Yeah, they're sure."

He held her tight, letting the tears flow freely. "I, uh kinda need some advice. The thing is, I'm not sure what to do here."

Monica moved to the coffee table so she could face him. "Whatever you choose, I will support you sweetie."

Chandler brought her hand to his lips. "I know, but it's complicated and I'm not sure what I want. Well, that's not completely true. I do know what I want most of all." Monica gave him a sad smile, understanding what he meant. "None of the options make me feel particularly comfortable with any of them."

"So, let's lay it on the table. What exactly are we talking about here?"

"More radiation treatment and more extensive chemo which means me being in the hospital." His scratched his head trying to say the next part as delicately as possible. "They could also do more surgery to remove the cancer , and continue the radiation and chemo as is."

Monica took a shuddering breath. "What kind of surgery?"

"They's remove part of my lung. And, um -" Chandler ran a nervous hand over his face, shaking his head simultaneously.

"What? What is it?" Monica let a stray tear run down her cheek. She foresaw where he was going with it.

"They would have to remove - um, amputate my leg." He almost choked out the last few words.

Monica unconsciously laid her hand on the affected leg. "Is that what you want to do?"

Chandler bit his lip and shook his head. "No," he whispered leaning his forehead against hers. His voice began cracking as he spoke. "But more than that, I want to live. I want to be here with you, have kids with you -"

"Kids? But kids aren't an option."

"There's adoption. And I want that. I want to raise children with you. I want to grow old with you. And I think that's the best way to make sure that happens."

Monica slipped her arms around his neck. Tears ran tracks down both of her cheeks. "So have you made a decision then?"

Chandler began crying openly, and in his heart he knew that he had made his decision.

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The first surgery to remove the tumor from Chandler's lung went smoothly. Recovery time was minimal and several weeks later, save for the fading scars there was almost no indication that he had ever had surgery.

Radiation and chemo continued. Unfortunately, the last ditch effort to shrink the spot in his leg was unsuccessful. He was checking into the hospital today for that surgery.

Chandler limped down the apartment stairs. It had become increasingly painful to walk - so much so that the surgery would almost be a welcome relief.

Phoebe was pulling the cab up to the curb while Ross was struggling with the suitcase. Joey lagged behind. The enormity of this upcoming surgery was weighing heavily on him. His best friend was losing pieces of himself bit by bit. First a testicle, then a part of his lung, and now his leg. He didn't know how much more Chandler could endure, both physically and emotionally. And Joey felt ill-equipped to deal with it, as well. He could say he understood what Chandler was going through, but he couldn't - not really. He'd never had to go through anything one-tenth this difficult.

Chandler turned to see what was holding Joey up. He urged him on with a wave. Joey watched Ross stuff the bag into the trunk of the cab and then climb in beside the girls. He waited for Chandler to get settled before he got in.

Joey spent the silent car ride contemplating what he could do for his friend. Chandler had done so much for him over the years that it was impossible to repay him fully. The sad truth was, there wasn't a damn thing he **could** do, and that was the scariest feeling in the world.

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"I'm so glad your dad agreed to sit in on this surgery, Rach. It makes me feel a little better about this whole thing." Chandler gave her a one-handed hug.

Rachel leaned into the hug, placing a hand on his chest. "Anything we can do, sweetie. I mean that."

Chandler stared at the icy blue walls. The fluorescent lights were glaringly bright. Everything was cold and sterile. Even the smell was somehow cold and impersonal.

His friends's face reflected varying degrees of concern and pity. Joey in particular looked like he would be sick. Chandler had made peace with his decision. As much as he hated to lose that part of himself, losing his life was a more daunting scenario. He was convinced that this surgery would finally remove all traces of cancer from his body. He was doing it not for himself, but for Monica and the chance of a future together. "You guys can go, you know? The surgery isn't until first thing in the morning."

"We know. Just didn't have anything better to do," Ross shrugged, giving him a smirk. He threw the hospital attire over to Chandler. "Get dressed, dude." Chandler disappeared into the bathroom.

"How come Chandler's parents aren't here," Phoebe asked.

"I couldn't reach Charles. Apparently the show's on tour and I have no idea which city he's in. Nora is trying to get here, but she's been snowed in." Monica relayed all this information matter-of-factly.

"Snowed in?"

"She's in Switzerland." Monica did not elaborate as Chandler had emerged from the bathroom.

He did a little half-turn, modeling the hospital gown. "So what do you think? Sexy, huh?" He pretended to slick his hair back.

"See. Right there! That's why people think you're gay."

"What?"

"A straight guy doesn't sashay like that."

"Really Joe? Sashay?"

"What? Can't a straight guy watch Queer Eye For The Straight Guy?"

"And I'm gay?"

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Morning dawned slowly. Chandler hadn't slept at all. Nerves were only part of it. He snuck out of his room and walked the halls aimlessly. The destination wasn't important; it was the walking itself - something he undoubtedly would not be doing for quite some time.

He paused at the atrium and watched the sunrise. The quiet hospital signified the calm before the storm. Arms slid around his waist from behind. "Good morning, Mon."

Monica didn't ask how he knew it was her - it was the same way she would know it was him. His touch, his smell, the sound of his breathing - she knew every little nuance instinctively. "Mmm. Morning, baby. Did you sleep at all?"

"Uh-uh. Just did some walking and thinking." Chandler didn't elaborate; there was no need. Instead, he was content to be in Monica's arms.

He enjoyed the moment as much as he could, but a quick side glance to the clock on the wall broke the moment. In a few minutes he would be taken down for surgery. Taking Monica by the hand, he gently led her down the hallway. "God, you're beautiful. I love you so much."

She stopped in the middle of the now-bustling hall. Her chin quivered slightly at the sentiment. "I love you too. You are amazing. You have been so strong these past months. I don't know how you do it."

"Mon, you've been by my side going through all of this with me. It is your strength that keeps me going."

Their private moment was broken up by Dr. Green. "Chandler, we've formed a search party. It's time to go, son."

"Right. Sorry." Rachel's father gave him a pat on the shoulder to counteract the harsh tone. He turned to Monica. "This is it."

She cocked her head a little and he caught the glint in her eye. "Um, break a leg?"

"Very funny," he chuckled. "I'll dream of you." Chandler let his lips linger on hers for a little longer before climbing onto the gurney.

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Chandler came back to consciousness with a deep, nagging feeling in his right foot. He stretched and reached but couldn't locate the source. His hands kept closing on emptiness.

His brain finally caught up to his body. The fact that he no longer had a right leg was beginning to sink in. Without opening his eyes he slid a hand underneath the blankets and found his thigh. It was only a short distance to find where the leg stopped.

Chandler wasn't sure how he felt now that the surgery was actually done. Depression wasn't the right word. Ambivalence? Maybe denial.

He dared to open his eyes. The lights were blinding and the 'pinging' and hissing of the machines was unbearable. _Where was he? _This was different than the first two surgeries.

There was something hard and not quite right near his mouth. His hand reached up to find it, but a hand gripped his and guided it back to the bed.

Tired. He was so tired. His eyelids grew heavy and he soon lost the fight against sleep.

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Monica grabbed his hand before it reached the ET tube. She didn't want Chandler to panic and try to pull it out. It was a relief to see his eyes open, if only briefly. Several days had passed since the surgery. Complications had arisen and he hadn't properly woken up. The doctor said it wasn't a coma, but she wasn't so sure. Now they were fearing pneumonia was setting in. A fever had developed overnight and he was put on iv antibiotics.

Her eyes landed on the abrupt flattening of the blanket on the right side. The goods news was that the cancer appeared to be completely eradicated. He would undergo additional chemo just to be sure. But the flatness of the sheet left Monica bereft. Chandler had been dealt a lot of bad cards in life, but this took the cake. How he maintained a positive, if somewhat cynical attitude, she'd never know. She wondered if he would face this with the same aplomb he was accustomed to doing.

Monica knew in her heart that he would pull through this, but there would be many difficult days ahead. Once his incision healed, Chandler would essentially have to learn to walk again on a new leg. And there would still be the constant anxiety accompanying the checkups he had to undergo. Was the cancer really gone, or was it lurking in another surprise, hidden location? But she would be by his side during it all. And glancing around the room at their four wonderful friends, she knew that they had all the support that they needed.

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Chandler spent two arduous weeks in the hospital fighting infection. The doctors finally agreed to let him go home, but he would have to have a home health nurse come in to help administer iv antibiotics for several more weeks. The chemo would be delayed until the infection was gone.

That was only part of his foul mood. Navigating the steps up to the apartment proved to be a treacherous exercise - and painful. There was no elevator so the wheelchair wasn't an option. Crutches were his only alternative.

Finally, he made it inside and plopped down on the couch. He scrunched up his face in pain. Every little movement seemed to elicit that response. Monica wordlessly handed him a glass of water and a pain pill. Chandler accepted them gratefully.

He reclined back on the couch and attempted to adjust his position sparking off another burst of pain. Monica lifted what was left of his leg up gingerly and placed a pillow underneath. Chandler flinched from her touch - not out of pain, but of humiliation.

The next couple of weeks brought similar instances. Chandler refused to go out at all. He cited his mobility as the reason, but they all knew that was only part of it. Chandler was forever insecure about everything. No amount of talking would convince him that he wasn't inadequate.

Joey decided it was time for some tough love. "Come on, man. It's Ross's birthday. We should all go out to a nice dinner."

"Happy birthday, Ross. But no."

"Whyyyy," Joey whined.

"Joe, I don't wanna get into this again."

"Chan, the antibiotics are finished. You don't start chemo until next week. The pain's under control now. Give me one good reason."

Chandler's face reddened. "How about that or this?" He gestured to the wheelchair and his leg respectively

.Joey's eyes blazed. The other four watched, curious on how it would play out. Joey stormed over and grabbed the crutches. He thrust them out towards Chandler. "Here. Take them. Get up!"

"No!"

"I want to show you something." When he saw Chandler not moving, he scooped him up and moved towards the door. There was a collective gasp from the group. "Joey!" "Oh my God!"

"Put me down, dammit!" Joey continued as if he hadn't heard him. They stopped in the corner of the building. "Oh, what a great view," he said sarcastically.

"Just push the button."

Chandler pushed the button angrily and something hummed to life. Doors opened and Joey, still carrying him, entered. "Push G."

"It's an elevator?" Joey nodded. "But how?"

"Treager. He had old plans of the building and knew this was behind the wall. He had some company come out and dig it out and service it while you were in the hospital."

"But why?"

"Don't you get it, Chandler? Treager did it for you...well, and for all of us."

Chandler's demeanor changed drastically. "That's incredible."

"See, we all want to help you. There are other people out there that would do the same thing. No one's going to judge you, except you. Chan, please go out to dinner with all of us."

Chandler studied his surroundings. He was touched that the building maintenance man did this. He didn't even know that Treager knew who he was. It certainly solved the mobility problem. Maybe Joey was right; maybe dinner wouldn't be so bad. The table would hide everything anyway.

"Okay. But before we go I have to make another stop."

"Sure, where?"

"I oughta thank Mr. Treager."

_Yeah, we all should_, thought Joey.

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Getting dressed was turning into a fiasco. After reassuring Monica he was fine about a hundred times, he nearly fell over trying to tie his shoes - well, shoe. "Wow, you look amazing," he complimented as Monica emerged from the bathroom. She did a little curtsy in response. "I take it you're ready then?"

"Ready when you are."

"That could take awhile."

"C'mon. You have to go out in public sooner or later. And we're all gonna be there. Besides, if anyone looks at you cross-eyed Phoebe'll kick their ass."

"Yeah, I am kind of a bad-ass, aren't I?" Phoebe got in a fighting stance which elicited a smirk from Chandler. "Alright. Let's go.Yay!"

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"Joey, our arms are getting tired. Couldja hurry it up a little," Rachel prompted.

"I just wanted to make a toast," Joey whined.

"I'll do it." Joey looked disappointed at Ross's offer and began to pout.

"Oh for God's sake, Ross. Let Joey do it or he'll sulk all night."

Joey smiled at Chandler and then turned and stuck out his tongue at Ross. He raised his glass again, and the others followed suit. "To coming to the end of a long journey. It's been a sucky year. Here's to bigger and better things in the future." He raised his glass slightly higher in Chandler's direction. Chandler returned the gesture. "Oh, and happy birthday, Ross."

The conversation was light throughout the evening. Chandler was secretly glad to be out, despite all the fuss he put up. He had been cooped up for the last several months. This dinner gave him that sense of normalcy that he had been craving for some time. A couple of weeks from now all this would be behind him. But he was left with reminders that he would carry with him the rest of his life.

He felt the depression trying to pry its way into his psyche. He quickly pushed it aside. Tomorrow he was getting fitted for the prosthesis, and today he was surrounded by his friends, celebrating life.

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The plaster had been hot and itchy and he was glad to be rid of it. It would take a couple of weeks for the prosthesis to be made and then it would have to be fitted. Then would come the humiliating task of learning to walk on it.

Physical therapy was next. He didn't really understand it, but it had something to do with keeping his leg muscle strong. And after all that would be chemo. He felt the exhaustion creeping in already.

Joey had volunteered to come today. He said he thought it would be cool to see how the prosthesis was made, but he was disappointed when he found out that wasn't what was being done today.

In Chandler's mind, Joey had wanted to come to be with him. That was fine with him. Chandler couldn't explain it, but he felt most at ease with Joey. The others had never made him feel uncomfortable intentionally, but still he felt the stares and looks of pity.

He was self-conscious around Monica most of all. He knew that shouldn't be the case. She was his wife. But she was also the woman that saw him naked, all scars exposed. Chandler had never been exactly secure about his body, but now he was downright ashamed. Monica tried to reassure him over and over. He wanted to believe her so badly, and on some deeper level he did. He knew it was his own issue that he needed to work through.

"Hey, Chandler. I'm gonna go get something to eat while you're busy with this," he indicated the room with all the equipment in it. "You want me to bring you something back?"

"No thanks, Joe," he declined. Chandler was a little hungry, but with chemo coming up next, he knew he'd just throw it up anyway.

Joey gave him a look that said, 'you need to eat.' But Chandler ignored it. Joey left without another word.

When Joey returned 45 minutes later fully satiated, Chandler was shaky and dripping with sweat. Joey took in his friend's tremulous appearance. "Hard work out, huh?"

"Physical therapy? More like physical torture," Chandler exclaimed angrily. In truth, he was mad at himself. He didn't realize how weak he had gotten until he was forced to undergo physical exertion. He would never admit it, but he was glad that Monica had insisted he bring the wheelchair today. She must have known how hard this day would be on him without coming right out and saying it.

"So where do we go from here?" Joey looked around the hallway confused.

Chandler directed him and leaned his head back still panting slightly. Joey took control of the wheelchair without being asked. Chandler didn't object because he doubted he could get very far on arms of rubber.

"Joey Tribbiani's chauffeur service at you service. Don't get too used to this." Joey stopped in the middle of the hallway and Chandler twisted around to face him. Joey leaned down and whispered in his ear. "It's almost over. You'll be on your feet again in no time. You won't need me anymore."

Joey resumed walking. Chandler appreciated the sentiment, but he knew he would never stop needing Joey.

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Chandler's friend was helping him get settled in the chair when Andi walked in. Although she tried to mask it, she was taken aback at the site of Chandler. He hadn't been to the treatment center for chemo in a couple of months. She read his chart so she knew the story. But reading it and seeing it were two different things.

As a nurse you weren't supposed to get attached to patients, but if you are at all human, it is inevitable. She quickly hooked him up and made some excuse about forgetting a medication (which she happened to have in her pocket).

Andi barely made it to the medication room before she broke down. Maybe she should switch fields or something. Her heart literally ached for someone like Chandler who was so young and going through so much. Yet, he always had a smile or a joke. He did have great friends, though.

His friend Joey was so good to him. One could tell they had a super close relationship. In a way, she was jealous. She wished she had someone like that.

Andi brushed away the tears and made her way back down the hall, syringe in hand. "Sorry about that. I must be having an off day or something."

Chandler grunted. "You wanna compare days?"

Joey cut him off. "Please, do not get him started."

Andi crossed her arms. "Okay, you win. So other than today, how have you been?" _Did she really just ask that?_ She could guess how he was. "It's been a couple of months," she lamely finished.

"It's been a rough few months," he admitted casting a sideways glance at Joey. He didn't elaborate and she didn't push him. "But...this should be the last cycle. The doctor says they got it all this time. He better have," he added hurriedly glancing down at his right leg.

It might've sounded bitter coming from someone else. But Chandler cracked a wry smile that showed he was just stating the facts.

"Well, I'll miss you and all your friends. But I will be happy to see you go if you know what I mean." She left without waiting for a response.

Joey tapped Chandler on the arm. "Dude, she's hot."

"Joe..."

"No, I mean it. She's smart and cool. Maybe when this is all over I could ask her out?" Joey gave Chandler the puppy dog face.

"I don't own her. She's is pretty great though. Why not?"

"Yeah baby!"

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"Look Joe, no hands!" Chandler was completely vertical for the first time in ages, and it felt wonderful. He wiggled his fingers in the air to illustrate his point. Joey gave him a smile and a thumbs up.

Chandler took a step, but stumbled. "Easy there. No marathons yet," the physical therapist warned.

He looked down sheepishly and placed his hands on the parallel bars. He took another tentative step forward. This time he was successful.

The physical therapist smiled. "That's it for today. Keep using those crutches."

"You're doing great, man. You wanna walk up to Dr. Marshall's office?"

"Sure. I feel great."

The pair made their way up to the doctor's office. Chandler had an appointment to discuss yet more results. Normally he would be nervous, but he just couldn't put himself through that again.

Joey waited outside while Chandler talked with the doctor. Joey was nervous for Chandler. There had been so much bad news that it was about time his luck changed. He paced back and forth waiting for Chandler to come out of the little office.

Finally, the door to the office opened slowly, and Chandler emerged.

TBC

I know it just wrong of me to stop there...but I will try to update soon

okay, I know you are wondering how Richard would have those supplies being an eye doctor. We'll just pretend he works in an eye surgery center alongside surgeons. There are places that exist like that. I know it's a stretch, but... :)


	8. Chapter 8

_Sorry this took so long to update...Too much going on. Thank you all for reading and reviewing and sticking with this story. Hopefully you will enjoy. And as usual I own nothing._

_The pair made their way up to the doctor's office. Chandler had an appointment to discuss yet more test results. Normally he would be nervous, but he just couldn't put himself through that again. _

_Joey waited outside while Chandler talked with the doctor. Joey was nervous for Chandler. There had been so much bad news that it was about time his luck changed. He paced back and forth waiting for Chandler to come out of the little office._

_Finally, the door to the office opened slowly, and Chandler emerged._

A huge grin broke out on his face. It was infectious. Joey returned the smile. "Oh, man. Really?"

"Yeah, man. Really." Chandler's first instinct was to jump up and down, but at the moment he couldn't. Instead, he watched as Joey bounced around the office for the both of them. He bounced right into Chandler's arms. They both were knocked off balance.

"Dude, I'm so happy for you."

Chandler was beaming. "I can't wait to tell Mon."

"Do you want to call her?"

"No, man. I want to tell her in person. I wanna see her face." Chandler couldn't wait to see her face light up with happiness. He had been the cause of so much pain and sorrow, it would be great to bring the joy back into their lives.

The ride home was filled with anticipation. Chandler went up the stairs as fast as his legs would take him. "Mon! Mon, where are you?"

Monica came out of the bedroom. "I'm here. What's wrong?"

"Sit down with me." Chandler realized his words had scared her. Her eyes had widened and her brow was furrowed. "Nononono. It's nothing like that."

Wary, she joined him on the couch. The waiting was killing her. She wished he would just come out with it. Monica steeled herself for more bad news.

"Mon, sweetie. You know I saw Dr. Marshall today." Monica inhaled a shaky breath as she closed her eyes. If she had her eyes open she would have noticed his smile. "It's finally happened, baby. I'm in remission."

Monica opened her eyes. "Oh my God. Honey, that's great!" Tears were streaming down her face.

"Why are you crying," Chandler asked, tenderly cupping her face in his hand.

"I'm so happy." All the emotions of the past seven months were leaking out. She could no longer contain them. The relief poured out of her in waves.

Chandler took her in his arms. "We did it, baby. We did it. It's finally over," he whispered into her hair.

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Chandler had just had his three month checkup and there was still no sign of the cancer so they had twice as much reason to celebrate this Christmas. For the first time in ages, Chandler ate a full meal - and kept it down. He even had put on a few pounds.

As Chandler helped Monica clear the table, the other four sat around the living room. "This was a great Christmas," Joey sighed happily.

"Yeah, it really was," Ross agreed.

"I love all my presents guys," Rachel thanked them.

"When are you getting up tomorrow to take them back," Ross quipped.

"Not too early," Rachel countered. Truthfully, she was quite happy with most of her gifts. Her favorite was the music box Chandler had given her. It was so pretty and played a beautiful melody she hadn't put a name to yet.

The mood was mellow and light, but Phoebe seemed to be off in her own little world. "Hey, Pheebs. Whatcha thinking," Rachel asked leaning against Ross and twisting a strand of hair around her finger.

"Huh? Oh, nothing. It's just so great to be together like this again. Things seem almost...back to normal." She turned to look at Monica and Chandler.

"I think they finally are Pheebs," Ross offered.

"Just look at them. Chandler looks much better lately," Rachel observed.

"God bless us everyone," Joey added dreamily.

The other three friends started to get on his case for making such a bad comparison, but Joey was saved by the knock on the door. Monica dried her hands on a dishtowel and answered it. "Mrs. Bing."

"Hello Monica, dear. Merry Christmas!" Nora entered into the apartment juggling her bags and greeting everyone. "Where is -"

"Mom." Chandler was surprised to see his mother. It had been almost a year since he'd even talked to her.

"Chandler, darling. Let me have a look at you." Monica joined the rest of the group to give Chandler what privacy she could. She knew that they needed some time to catch up.

"I just can't believe you're here."

"Oh, I missed you. I tried to get here before, but I got snowed in. Can you believe it? Why I went to the Alps I'll never know. Anyway, Merry Christmas baby."

"Merry Christmas. Do you want some coffee or something?"

"I would love some."

Chandler walked into the kitchen. When he realized there were no more clean cups on the counter he reached up to get one off the top shelf. The stretch caused his shirt to ride up exposing the scar on his side. "Chandler, honey...what happened?"

"What?"

Nora walked over and brushed a hand on his side. "That scar...where did it come from?"

"I thought when Monica talked to you she told you."

"I just knew you were having a surgery. What's going on, baby?"

"Maybe you should sit down." Chandler led her over to the kitchen table. "I've had a coupla surgeries, Mom."

"Are you okay, darling?"

"I am now." Chandler laid a hand over Nora's. He hesitated. "I'm in remission."

She was at a loss for words. How could she not know what was going on? Why didn't he tell her? "When," was all she could squeak out.

"About ten months ago. I've been in remission for three." Chandler spoke softly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Nora was becoming incensed that her only child chose not to include her.

Chandler gave her a knowing look. "You **are** kinda hard to track down."

Nora relented, something she was unaccustomed to doing. "Well, I'm here now."

Chandler nodded and gave her a sad smile before beginning. It took two cups of coffee before he finished rehashing all the events of the past ten months. Nora struggled to hold back tears through much of their conversation. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you. At least I kept up my perfect record."

"Mom..." Chandler was exasperated. **That** was all she had to say?

"Are you really alright now?"

"Yeah Mom, I really am."

"Do you need me to stay...help with anything?"

"No," he looked at the group talking amongst themselves in the living room. "We've been doing just fine."

"If you want me to stay, just say the word. Otherwise...I'm due in California for a book signing tomorrow."

And there it was. Nora Bing was off again like a ship in the night. "I'll think we'll manage."

"Oh, I do love you" Nora gave him a hug which he reluctantly returned.

"I know," he said simply.

After a few more pleasantries were exchanged, she was gone. Monica slid an arm around his waist. "How did it go, sweetie?"

All he said was, "Like I expected."

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"Whatcha going, sweetie?" Monica came up behind the couch. Chandler was on his laptop.

His pushed his glasses up on his nose. "Just doing a little research."

"Oh. I thought you might be working."

"Nope. Ever since I went back to work, they've been going easy on the take-home projects."

Monica came around the side of the couch and sat down. She leaned over Chandler's lap to get a look at the computer. "What are you researching?"

"Adoption," he replied as she was squinting at the screen.

"What!" Monica almost lost her balance and fell off the couch.

"Yeah. What do you think?"

"I, um - wow." Monica was shocked, pleasantly so. "You know I want kids, but do you think we're ready with everything that's gone on in the past year?"

"I'm definitely ready. I got a clean bill of health yesterday. Are you ready?"

"I am if you are. But..." Monica tried to gather her thoughts. She needed to be sensitive in what she said. "We've been really lucky that there's been no recurrence. But will the adoption agency even consider us right now?"

Chandler let out a small laugh. "That's what I'm researching. It seems to be that with the open adoptions, it is largely up to the parents that are putting their children up for adoption. So..."

Monica beamed. "Let's do it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, what do we have to lose?" She hooked her arm through his.

"I love you." Chandler gave her a quick peck on the lips.

"I love you too," she returned the kiss. "Oh my God! We're actually doing this!"

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It took Monica and Chandler several months to go through the application process. It was a long and arduous wait just to find out if the couple even could be considered as adoptive parents. Finally, after a few reference letters and a meeting with the lady at the adoption agency, they were approved. Now all they had to do was wait for that phone call.

Waiting was something Monica and Chandler had a lot of practice at - waiting for the doctor, waiting for results, waiting for approval from the adoption agency. Their world revolved around waiting.

In the meantime, Chandler's checkups continued to be good and in fact, things were pretty much back to normal in that regard. That was the primary reason Monica agreed to host Thanksgiving dinner.

Nothing turned out as planned. Chandler was obsessed with his cranberry sauce. None of their friends were on time, and dinner was rapidly growing cold. Monica put the chain on and locked them out - until Joey's head got stuck.

From there, things went from bad to worse. Once the door was finally opened, Joey went flying in the apartment. Turkey and all the trimmings splashed all over the floor. Monica started to yell, but opted to pick up the ringing phone instead. It was the best decision she ever made.

When she finally registered the mess in the apartment, she said, "I don't care." **The** phone call had come. They were going to meet the birth mother. The six of them formed a tight group hug. They were going to be parents!

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Chandler and Monica's flight had arrived almost an hour late. They had to go straight from the airport to the adoption agency. The couple was waiting in a tiny room for the birth mother to arrive. It gave them a chance to compose themselves after the long flight.

It seemed like ages before the door opened to reveal a blond young woman, but in reality it was only ten minutes. "Hi," she greeted shyly.

Monica and Chandler introduced themselves. All three people sat down and went through some awkward small talk. Finally Erica came out with the real reason they were all here. "I read your file. I liked what I saw."

"Thank you so much for seeing us. You don't know how much this means to us," Monica told her.

"Well, you guys are pretty impressive. A chef and an ad executive. And you seem like such nice people."

There was tense, polite laughter from the couple. Monica and Chandler faced each other. They both knew that there was one question that needed to be asked before the interview went any further.

Chandler started. "You read the whole file, right?" When Erica nodded, Chandler continued. "So do you have any questions or concerns..."

Erica seemed perplexed, and then it dawned on her what he meant. "Oh, yes. I did see that. But you're okay now right? I mean there is a physical that says so."

Chandler leaned forward. "Yes, that's true. And I hope to continue to be fine. In the doctors's opinions I will be. But we," he indicated himself and Monica. "need to be sure that you are comfortable with that...situation."

"Well, I'll admit that at first it did concern me. But the more I thought about it, the better I felt choosing you guys. You two have obviously gone through a lot and you still stuck together. That says something about the both of you. It would mean a lot to me to know that the baby would grow up in a loving home...with two parents."

"We're so glad to hear you say that," Monica breathed a sigh of relief.

"We were worried," Chandler added.

"Well, if something did, God forbid happen to you, would Monica have the support to raise this child alone?"

"Oh God, yes. My parents are still close by, and my brother is one of my best friends. And our friends...they're amazing." Monica tried not to get ahead of herself. She was starting to feel like this could actually happen, but she didn't want to have false hope.

Erica paused a moment and then broke into a smile. "I think I've made my decision."

Chandler fidgeted with his clothing. "You don't need more time?"

"Nope. I think I've heard all I need to." Monica and Chandler steeled themselves for the news. Both were unconsciously holding their breath. "Congratulations!"

Monica began crying. She hugged Chandler and then rose and hugged Erica. "Thank you so much!"

Chandler was even tearing up a bit. Their dream was finally coming true. They were going to be parents in just a few short months. It made everything they had weathered this past year worth every minute. Chandler pulled Monica close once again. "I feel like I'm dreaming. This is too good to be true," he whispered into her hair. "I love you so much."

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Chandler panicked when the doctor announced that there was a second baby. He was excited yet insecure about fatherhood, and two babies only doubled those doubts. But all the anxiety melted away the first time he held his daughter. He looked down at her sweet little face. She yawned and that tiny movement warmed his heart. He was overwhelmed with love for this tiny creature.

His wife stood next to him holding his newborn son. He felt so unbelievably lucky to be standing here with his family. He felt blessed to be standing here at all. Chandler couldn't wait to take their children home and start their new life together.

When they got back to the apartment late the next evening, Chandler let Monica walk ahead of him. He wanted the fun of surprising their friends with not one, but two babies. As usual it took Joey just a little bit longer to figure it out, but it was worth the look on their faces when he walked in with child number two.

The group decided to hit the coffee shop, but before they did Joey pulled Chandler into his apartment. "Dude, there's something I've been wanting to tell you, but with everything else going on..."

"What is it Joe?"

"Well, see - the thing is." Joey didn't quite know how to break the news to Chandler. He didn't want to hurt his friend's feelings, but he had become stuck in a rut as of late. Ross had gone after Rachel. Phoebe had gotten married. And Monica and Chandler were now parents. He felt like the odd man out. Joey had decided it was time for a change. And he voiced all this to Chandler.

"So what are you trying to say, man?" The roles were reversed. Now Chandler was the confused one.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking lately -"

"Don't hurt yourself," Chandler joked.

Joey chuckled. "Yeah, but I came to a decision. I'm moving to California." There. He had finally come out with it. He searched Chandler's face for a reaction. When there was none, he continued. "You guys are all doing stuff. I need to do this forme."

"That's great, Joe," Chandler forced out.

That wasn't the reaction Joey was expecting. He was a little hurt. He expected an argument or...something.

"That's it? That's all you have to say?"

"I don't know what you want me to say." Chandler was torn. He wanted his best friend to be happy, but the thought of not having him right across the hall left him heavyhearted. He decided on a simple, straightforward, "I'm gonna miss you."

Joey smiled. "Yeah, I'm gonna miss you too." He had to do it for himself, but it would be the hardest, scariest thing he ever did in his life.

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The announcement came over the loudspeaker that Joey's flight was now boarding. Joey looked around at all his friends. He was at a loss for words.

"Oh, Joey. We're really going to miss yooou," Rachel hugged him tightly.

"Yeah, me too." Joey accepted hugs from Monica, Phoebe and Ross. He looked past Ross to Chandler who had a strange expression on his face. "Chandler..."

"Joey..." Joey released Ross and took a step towards his best friend. "Man, I suck at goodbyes."

Joey nodded in agreement. "You're gonna come out and see me right? And I'll come back to visit."

"Yeah, totally." Chandler hit him lightly on the shoulder.

Another announcement for Joey's flight came over the loudspeaker. "That's me. I better go."

There was a moment of hesitation before the two moved towards each. They hugged fiercely. "I am so gonna miss you, man."

"Me too. Thanks for everything," Chandler whispered.

"No, man. Thank you. I couldn't even have come this far if it wasn't for you. I, uh...I'll call you when I get settled."

"Yeah, definitely."

They finally released each other from the hug. "Bye, Chan."

Chandler gave a small smile. He could only raise a hand at him because speaking was becoming too difficult. He was barely holding himself together. Chandler watched Joey hand the lady his ticket, and then he disappeared down the walkway.

Monica came up beside him. "Are you okay, sweetie?"

Chandler rubbed a hand over his face. He didn't answer - he couldn't. He waved her off and walked off by himself.

Monica knew better than to be offended at Chandler's brush off. He had just watched his best friend board a flight that would take him across the country and out of his life. Monica also knew they were more than friends - they were brothers. He had just lost a part of himself.

Ross started to go after him, but Monica stopped him with a touch of her hand. "Don't. Let him be. He's gonna need some time." She followed his path with her eyes as he disappeared down the hall of the terminal. Her heart broke for him as he sat down on a nearby bench and hung his head down. Monica knew by his subtle movements that he was crying

Phoebe followed her gaze. "Oh my God, he's really taking this hard, isn't he? Will he be alright?"

Monica took her eyes off Chandler to turn to Phoebe. "Yeah, I think so. But I think it's going to take a very long time."

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Chandler immersed himself in fatherhood to alleviate the depression of Joey's move. For Monica's part, she loved it. He was getting up the majority of the time with the twins at night. But the constant lack of sleep was starting to wear on him. His eyes were drawn and tired, and he seemed to be losing a little weight.

When she heard the twins crying again tonight, she gently pushed Chandler back down in bed. "Honey, why don't you rest? I'll get them this time."

Chandler started to protest, but he relented. He **was** tired, but he just thought that was how all new parents feel.

Monica continued to explain. "We're all going out for Phoebe's birthday later and you want to be able to enjoy it."

Chandler settled back into bed as Monica left the bedroom to attend to the twins. When he was left alone without anything to do his mind just started turning. And thinking hurt. He still missed Joey very much. Yeah, they talked on the phone, but it wasn't the same.

He tried to focus on his wife and children and his three wonderful friends that were here. That helped somewhat and allowed him to drift back off to sleep.

When he woke up, the sun was high overhead. He rolled over and squinted at the clock. It was 12:30pm! He rushed out of bed to find Monica and the twins playing quietly in the living room. "Why didn't you wake me?"

Monica shrugged. "Like I said last night, you need some sleep."

Chandler laughed softly. "I don't even remember that conversation."

"See what I mean," Monica gently admonished.

"Yeah." Chandler clapped his hands together. "I guess we oughta get them fed and bathed so we can be ready to go by dinner."

"Yeah, I guess we're still not into the routine yet. It takes a little while," Monica agreed.

"Why don't you feed Erica and I will give Jack a bath," Chandler suggested. "Let's go Jacky boy. You are ripe, my friend." He scooped Jack up and walked into the bathroom without waiting for a response.

Monica set Erica in the playpen and went to the kitchen to fix a bottle. She heard the water running and shut off very soon thereafter. "Mon," Chandler called.

"Yeah?"

"Come here a sec, willya."

Monica came to the bathroom door, bottle in hand. "What do you need honey?"

He handed her the bottle of soap. "Could you open this please? The cap's stuck and my hands are all slippery."

Monica inwardly smiled. She knew she was super strong, but Chandler rarely asked for her help. Somehow he felt it emasculated him. Her smile faded as she easily twisted the top off. "There you go."

"Thanks babe." Chandler returned to Jack's bath. Monica went back to feeding Erica, but inside alarm bells were going off.

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"Let's go! Let's go," Phoebe exclaimed excitedly. She hopped through the apartment.

"We're waiting on -" Monica was interrupted by a knock on the door. She opened it to reveal Jack and Judy. "Speak of the devil."

"Where's my namesake," Jack went straight for little Jack, and Judy accepted Erica.

"We'll be back at eight. That's their bed time..."

Chandler was pushing Monica out the door as she was speaking. "Mon, you've told them a hundred times. Calm down."

"And don't forget their seven o'clock bottle."

Chandler finally succeeded in getting her into the hallway. He turned to wave to Jack and Judy, then closed the door behind him. "Mon, they'll be fine."

"Yeah, Mom and Dad are great with kids," Ross offered.

Knowing how Monica still felt her parents still favored Ross over her Chandler said," Not helping, man."

"Come on," Phoebe urged. "This night is supposed to be fun. And you guys have to make up for last year." The other four wore a guilty look remembering the fiasco that was Phoebe's last birthday.

And for the most part, they made up for it. Dinner was fantastic, and the company was even better. Only Monica's constant clock-watching threatened to put a damper on the evening, but Chandler's steady stream of jokes more than made up for it.

By the time they rolled out of the restaurant everyone's mood was light. It was such a beautiful night that the group decided to walk back to the apartment. Monica noticed Chandler lagging behind and fell back to walk beside him. "You okay, sweetie?"

"Yeah, totally," he forced a smile. "Just kinda wish Joey was here." But in fact, he felt kind of strange. Not bad, just strange. He couldn't describe it, but just chalked it up to needing more sleep.

Monica accepted his explanation and went up to trade baby stories with Rachel. Ross held the door to the apartment building open for the girls which allowed him to get a good look at Chandler. His friendwas very pale and seemed far off.

Ross left his post at the door to walk with Chandler the rest of the way into the building. "Dude, are you okay?"

"I uh, need to sit down I think." Ross began to lead Chandler over to the steps as the girls went on up ahead. But they never made it to the steps.

Chandler collapsed onto the foyer floor. His body jerked rhythmically as his eyes rolled back in his head. "Jesus!" Ross whipped out his cell phone and dialed 911 as he knelt by his friend. He tried to keep his head from hitting the hard tile floor as he rapidly spit out the information to the dispatch operator. "Monica," he yelled. "Monica, get down here now!"

TBC

Let me start off by saying I am not familiar with the adoption process so if I missed any facts, I apologize. I know I am moving at a swifter pace and a lot happened in this part, but I don't want to focus on the adoption and drag out this story...it's already long. Thanks again for sticking with me...


	9. Chapter 9

Sorry it took so long to update. Only two or three more parts to go. Thank you all for hanging in with me throughout my first Friends fic and the great reviews...doggone it, after all this work, I still don't own any of them.

Ross handed Rachel the lukewarm cardboard cup of coffee. He sipped at his own. There was an overwhelming sense of deja vu. They had been here before - within these cold, sterile white walls. Ross was at unease, but Monica was downright panicked.

Maybe he was in shock. _This can't be happening again_ he repeated to himself over and over. But his brain knew what his heart did not want to know. He knew the minute his friend collapsed onto the foyer floor. It was happening again.

He was barely cognizant of the fact that Rachel had laid her head on his shoulder. A year ago, hell even a week ago that would have been all he was thinking about. But now his thoughts were consumed with Chandler and his sister. All he could do was think and wait for the doctor to appear, and pray they did not have to relive the nightmare.

It was another long hour before the doctor finally walked through the double doors. Ross roused a dozing Rachel. Monica got immediately to her feet. "Dr. Marshall. How is he? Is Chandler okay?" Her voice shook with fear.

"He's resting comfortably now. Why don't we go somewhere more private and talk?" He indicated a room down the hall.

"They can come too. They're - they're family too."

The doctor merely acknowledged them with a nod and ushered them into a tiny room. The group of four waited in nervous anticipation for him to begin speaking. He allowed them to sit down before beginning. "It seems that what Chandler experienced was a grand mal seizure based on the EEG findings and what Mr. Geller described."

Ross nodded. He had known that piece of information, but he stayed silent to hear what else the doctor had to say. Dr Marshall pulled out several scans and stuck them up on little boxes. When the boxes illuminated he pointed to several images. "We did a CT scan and an MRI of the brain to see why Chandler had this seizure." He turned towards Monica. "If you notice, it looks like someone took a salt shaker and sprinkled it over the scan."

Monica swallowed hard. "What - what is that," she choked out.

Dr. Marshall took a seat directly in front of her. He briefly scanned the room before allowing his eyes to rest on Monica again. "I wish I had better news. Monica, the cancer's back. The scan shows metastasis to the brain "

Monica drew in a sharp intake of breath. Three heads dropped simultaneously. Monica composed herself before speaking. "So when do we start treatment?"

The doctor scooted forward in his chair and laid on a hand on hers. He shook his head. "I'm so very sorry. Treatment at this point would only be palliative. It won't put him back in remission."

"So what are you are saying?" Monica's voice rose an octave with each word.

"Monica, I don't know how to tell you this, but..." He ran a hand over his face and met her eyes once again. "We can't cure it this time. Chandler has terminal cancer."

Monica broke down in loud, heartwrenching sobs. Phoebe and Rachel supported her as she rocked back and forth to move away from the pain. Ross's face scrunched up in disbelief. "So there is **nothing** that you can do," Ross asked indignantly.

The doctor gave a sad smile. "I wish things were different. But when it is this widespread throughout the brain there is very little hope of cure."

"How is this possible? All his tests were clean." Ross was clearly agitated.

"Sometimes, the cancer lies dormant. Something triggers it unexpectedly and certain types spread like wildfire.Like Chandler's." He knew his words were of little consolation, but it was the best explanation he had.

"How, um - how long are we talking about here, doc?" Ross leaned forward to hear the answer.

The doctor shrugged. "There's no finite timeline, but if I had to give a number I would say about six months. He might have a few more good months before he starts declining."

The doctor's last statement brought a new onslaught of tears from Monica. Ross realized he was also crying. "When you say declining..."

"We'll put him on medications to help control the seizures. But he'll grow tired and weak and unable to do things for himself. He may fall into a coma at the end."

"Oh my God! Jack's bath - the soap bottle." To the rest of them it appeared Monica was making no sense, but she knew what she had witnessed earlier was a sign. Chandler was already having some weakening. It took a few minutes, but she explained this to the doctor.

"This was just today," he questioned.

"Mmm-hmm." Monica looked up at the ceiling, trying to blink back the tears. "Does he know yet?"

Dr Marshall nodded. "I broke the news to him before I came to talk to you."

"We have to go see him now. He must be so scared." Monica pulled out her compact and checking herself in the little mirror.

"Mon, what are you doing," Ross put a hand on her arm.

"I cannot let Chandler see me like this. He hates it when I cry, and he's the one we should be worrying about. Let's go," Monica said decidedly.

Dr Marshall directed them to his room and left them to their private moment. The four entered the room as a group. Chandler's face was to the window so they moved quietly so as not to disturb him if he was sleeping.

As they made their way in, he rolled over sleepily. "Hey," he croaked out. Other than the drowsiness, he gave no sign that anything else was wrong.

"Hey, sweetie." Monica put on a brave face as she inched towards the bed. "How are you feeling?"

"A little tired," he mumbled. He patted the bed beside him. "C'mere."

She sat down tentatively, afraid of hurting him. She gazed at his face and marveled at how young and healthy he still looked. Monica could not allow herself to comprehend that in a few short months she would never be able to look at him, to speak to him, to touch him again.

These thoughts caused her to lose her resolve. Her chin quivered and she desperately fought the tears that wanted to overflow."Oh, Mon. Please don't cry." Chandler brushed away an errant tear.

She knew he would say that. She could finish his thoughts for him. How could someone she had loved and cared about all these years be slipping through her fingers? "Oh Chandler. Baby." She grasped his hand and clung onto it as it were life itself. She sniffed back yet more tears.

Chandler brought her hand up to his lips. He looked as if he wanted to say something, but couldn't find the words. "You know, don't you?"

Monica nodded slowly and let the tears come. Chandler pulled her down into a hug. It was all he could think of to do to comfort her. He kissed her forehead tenderly, and for the first time seemed to acknowledge the other three. "Hey," he greeted.

"Hey," they chorused. Ross shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, not sure of what to say. Rachel and Phoebe were both too choked up to say anything.

Chandler hated this awkward silence. "At least I don't have to go through anymore treatment," he weakly joked.

"That's not funny, Chandler." Monica wore a grave expression.

"No," he agreed. "Nothing about this is terribly funny."He shifted and tried to sit up, but his energy was sapped. Ross stepped forward and offered him a hand. "Thanks, man."

"Are you okay? Sorry, stupid question," Rachel hurriedly finished.

Chandler nodded. "Yeah, I guess. But I am sorry I ruined your birthday again Phoebe."

"Don't worry about it. What's most important is that you're okay."

Chandler pondered this for a moment. "I guess I'm not really okay, am I?"

It was such an innocent question, but it carried such a heavy connotation. Monica stroked his face. "No baby, you're not." A tiny teardrop balanced on the end of her nose before it fell on the hospital sheet.

"When can I go home?" His voice so small, it almost seemed childlike.

Monica shook her head. "I don't know, sweetie. I didn't even think to ask."

"I'll go ask," Ross offered. He started to step through the door, but stopped short. "Um, do you want me to call Joey too?"

Chandler looked stricken. He cleared his throat. "Um, no. That's okay."

"You'd rather break it to him, huh? Are you sure you're up to it?"

"Of course I'm 'up to it', Ross. I'm not dead yet." He sighed deeply. "Joey is not to know, alright?"

"What," Phoebe exclaimed. "Why don't you want him to know? He's your friend and he would want to be here."

"That's why he can't know. I don't want him to give up his dream to come back home."

He halted a round of protests with his hand. "Promise me you won't tell him."

The group looked around at each other. Each was torn between honoring Chandler's wishes, and giving Joey a chance to spend Chandler's last few months with him.

"Promise me," Chandler said more firmly.

"I promise," Monica uttered. Rachel merely nodded.

"Pheebs?"

"Chandler - alright," she agreed reluctantly.

"Ross?"

"Chandler, doesn't he deserve to know?"

"Ross, this is my life and I am going to decide how I spend the rest of it and with whom. Don't make this harder on me than it has to be."

Ross looked guiltily at the floor. He didn't like it one bit. "Alright. But if things change..."he warned.

"Promise me," Chandler repeated.

"I promise."

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Chandler sat in the rocking chair in the twins room, cuddling Erica. He breathed in deeply and kissed the top of her head. He reached over the railing and stroked Jack's sleeping form. "You know, I love you guys so much. The last thing in the world I want to do is leave you guys. But this one's outta my hands. I hope when you guys grow up you will know how much I love you."

"I'll make sure they know," Monica appeared in the doorway. She crossed the room and took a sleeping Erica from him and laid her in the crib. She sat on his lap and laid her head on his shoulder.

"I'm gonna miss this," Chandler whispered. "Just holding you like this."

"I'll miss you more than you can ever know." She played with his hair.

"This wasn't supposed to be like this," he sighed. "I was supposed to be making you happy for the rest of my life."

"Chandler, you **are** making me happy for the rest of your life," she assured him. "You have fulfilled every promise you ever made to me, and then some."

"But I want to do more." He paused. "Well, there is one more thing I'd like to do."

Monica gave him a knowing look.

"Of course **that. **Always that. But I want to go see Joey before I can't get around anymore."

Monica inhaled. "I can understand that. But someone would go with you, right?"

"No. It's something I want to do by myself. I may not tell him the truth about what's going on, but I still want to say goodbye."

"Chandler, I don't think that's such a good idea. What if you have another seizure or something worse?" Monica prayed he would see the logic in her words.

"I haven't had a seizure in over a week. That's why I need to go soon before I'm no longer able to. And I don't want him to notice anything's wrong, either. If I wait much longer I'm afraid I won't be able to hide the truth from him."

Monica cupped his face in her hand and kissed him passionately. "As much as I hate the thought of you going alone, I can't deny you the chance to see Joey one last time."

Chandler breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you. I really need to do this. Just a couple of days is all I need."

"You'll call every day."

"Twice a day," he smiled at her. "I love you."

"I love you too." Monica stood up and gently pulled him to her. Chandler scooped her up in his arms and carried her into the bedroom. He laid her gently on the bed and caressed her face. She moved into his touch and began exploring his body with her fingers.

They hungrily disrobed one another, sliding into each kiss as if it were their last. Their movements were frantic and hurried - so much so that he accidentally wacked her in the knee with the prosthetic leg. "Ow," she exclaimed without thinking.

"Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He mentally slapped himself for his clumsiness.

Chandler reached down to take it off, but Monica held his hand with her own. "No, let me."

He inwardly winced, but bit his tongue. After all, Monica was still with him even after he was handed a death sentence. And no pardon would be coming from the governor this time. If that didn't prove that she loved him unconditionally, then nothing would.

He willed himself to relax as she slid it off and tenderly kissed her way up his leg to his chest. They had never felt this close or connected. It was slow and sweet, and everything it should be. They didn't stop until the sun came up over the horizon.

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"Monica! How can you let him do this," Ross was incensed.

"Ross, I am not 'letting' him do anything. It is something he has to do, okay," Monica retorted.

"By himself?"

"He's going to say goodbye, Ross. And I think that warrants a little privacy, don't you?" Monica had stopped packing the suitcase to face her brother. "He wants to do it now while he is still relatively healthy. Can't you understand that?"

"But I could go with him," Ross offered.

Monica grinned. "I already tried that tactic, but Chandler has made up his mind. He wants to spend a few last days with Joey. I've made my peace with it so you have to too." She resumed packing.

"Mon..." Ross capitulated. Obviously no amount of arguing would change either of their minds. He was worried. Something could easily happen between New York and LA. And the strain of the secrecy might cause Chandler's health to decline further faster. To Ross, it wasn't worth the risk.

"So does this mean you'll still take us to the airport?"

"Whatever..."

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"But, Ginaaaaa," Joey whined. "I don't wanna do another stupid interview. You tell Bobbie -" Joey was interrupted by a knock at the door. He got up to answer it, but pointed a finger at Gina. "This isn't over."

"Yes, it is Joey."

Joey threw her a look before he opened the door. "Chandler! Oh man, come in! Come in!" Joey literally drug him into the living room.

"Easy Joe, you might pee on the carpet."

Joey bounced around like a little kid. "You remember my sister? And this is my nephew, Michael."

"Ah yes. The sister I did **not** make out with." He gave Gina a wave and said hello to Michael.

"Wow, so you're Chandler. Joey talks about you all the time," Michael was in awe. Joey always talked about Chandler as if he were some mythic figure.

Chandler started to respond, but Joey led him over to the couch asking him question after question. "So where are you staying? Never mind, you're staying here. You don't care do you, Michael?"

"Whoa, slow down Joe before you bust a blood vessel. I was gonna stay at the hotel up the road."

"No way! You're staying with me. Michael, go home with your mother."

Chandler was becoming a little uncomfortable. He didn't want Joey to kick his nephew out to accommodate him. He started to protest, but Michael spoke up first. "Actually, that might not be a bad idea. I've been meaning to clean out my lab space and bring some of it over here. So this will give me the perfect opportunity to do that."

"Dude, you're a dork," Joey said. "But thanks."

"Yeah, thanks," Chandler added. "You're sure I'm not putting you out?"

"Nah." Michael waved a hand at him. "Mom'll dig it anyways."

Gina nodded happily in agreement. "So Chandler. How are you doing? Joey said you weren't doing too good a little while ago." She snapped on her gum, anticipating an answer.

Chandler gave such a slight pause it went unnoticed. "Really, really good. Monica's great. The twins are great. Everything's fine."

Joey could no longer contain himself. "Now that everyone's caught up - get out," he annunciated the last part to his sister and nephew. He ushered them out the door before even waiting for a response.

He turned to Chandler with a goofy grin on his face. "Let's get you settled in and then I am going to show you around this town."

Joey whisked him away to every major LA landmark, and even some not-so-well-known spots. Chandler was exhausted, but he was wont to put a damper on Joey's enthusiasm. It was one of his most endearing qualities, and Chandler wanted to soak up every minute of it.

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud beeping noise. "What was that," Joey asked.

"Just my watch," Chandler mumbled scratching the back of his neck. "Um, I promised Mon I would call and say goodnight to the twins. So if you don't mind...could we go back to your place?"

Joey looked disappointed but he started heading towards home. "Alright. You probably are pretty tired. But tomorrow, it's ultimate fireball baby!"

"Looking forward to it." And he really meant it. Joey's childlike wonder was infectious and made him forget his situation - at least until the beeping of his watch brought him back to reality.

Joey parked the car and bounded ahead to unlock the door. Chandler followed, "I'm gonna go wash up a little," he excused he hoped believably.

Joey pointed out the bathroom to him and grabbed a couple of beers out of the fridge. "When you're done come out on the patio. We can play cups."

Chandler just smiled at him and turned around. He stepped into Michael's room where he would be staying, and unzipped the inner pouch of his suitcase. He looked around to make sure Joey was nowhere nearby, and then he hurriedly shook out a pill. He tossed it in his mouth and swallowed it dry.

He exited the bedroom and rushed into the bathroom to wash his hands, lest Joey get suspicious. Chandler was just drying his hands when Joey poked his head in. "What's holding you up? You're gonna miss it."

"Miss what?"

"I have a hot neighbor that walks around in the nude. Instead of ugly naked guy, I have hot naked chick out here." He put the beer in Chandler's hands and patted him on the shoulder. He then took off towards the patio. Chandler shrugged and followed. At least some things never changed.

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Chandler found it nearly impossible to keep up with Joey. "Dude, you still suck at fireball. What's up with that?"

"Out of practice I guess. But I can safely say you won't be getting your safety deposit back here either, "Chandler glanced at the scorched part of the carpet, amused.

"Well, I'm friends with the landlord so it'll be okay." Joey's face lit up. "Hey whaddya say you and me go get in the hot tub?"

Chandler shook his head. "Didn't bring a swimsuit, Joe." He didn't want to divulge the real reason for his reluctance.

"Who doesn't bring a swimsuit to LA? You can wear one of mine - that I didn't go commando in," he added hurriedly seeing Chandler's expression.

"Still, no"

"Awww. C'mon. Why?" Joey's pouted and his puppy dog eyes begged Chandler. "You love to swim."

"Used to, Joe. Used to. It isn't exactly easy these days," he mumbled under his breath.

Joey pointed a finger at him. "You're going." He disappeared up the stairs and returned a minute later throwing a swimsuit Chandler's direction. Chandler caught it mid-air. Rather than argue the point, he went to get dressed. He would figure out how to get from point A to point B in a minute.

Joey was waiting with two towels when he emerged from the bathroom. He looked his best friend up and down. "Oh man. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking." Chandler suppressed a smile. The joke was too obvious, even for him. "We don't have to go if you don't want to. Really."

Chandler shrugged. "You really want to. What's a little embarrassment between friends?"

Joey helped him into the hot tub and climbed in beside him. He seemed to really look at Chandler for the first time. "So, how are you doing really, man?"

Chandler put on his best game face. "Everything's great, Joe." He didn't exactly answer the question, but he hoped Joey wouldn't notice.

"Really," Joey probed.

"Yep."

Joey thankfully didn't press the issue. Instead they fell into reminiscing. Neither Chandler nor Joey had laughed that much in a long time. They continued that way throughout dinner and into the night. "Man, I can't believe you have to go home tomorrow. This sucks."

"Yeah, it really does, doesn't it," Chandler agreed. And then he said what would normally be very uncharacteristic for him to say. "Joe, I just want you to know that..." he forced a laugh and rubbed the back of his neck."You know once in a lifetime a friend comes along..." Chandler was having difficulty putting his feelings into words. "Wow, this is harder than I thought."

"Chan, you don't have to say anything. I know."

"No, I think I need to say this." He inhaled deeply and blew out a breath. "Okay. I just want you to know that you are the best friend I ever had. And besides being with Mon, being roommates was the best time I ever had in my life."

Joey looked off in the distance. "Yeah, we did have some great times didn't we?"

"Absolutely. I totally miss you, but I am so glad things are going so well for you out here. I only want good things for you - you totally deserve it."

"You're not doing too bad yourself, huh? You're a new daddy. And things with Monica are pretty good, right?" Joey grinned at him.

"Couldn't be better." Chandler hesitated before laying it out on the table. "I just want you to know how much I love you, man. Please don't ever forget that."

"Awww, Chan..." Both guys were starting to tear up a little, and doing a poor job of hiding it from the other. "Dude, I love you too. And there's no way I could ever forget my best bud." Joey hugged Chandler so he couldn't see his face.

_I'm absolutely counting on it, buddy,_ Chandler thought.

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Joey struggled with the luggage. Chandler breathed a sigh of relief. If Joey had noticed anything was amiss these past few days, he gave no indication. "Dude, what did you pack?"

Chandler smirked. "Maybe it's the operator, not the equipment."

"Huh?"

"Never mind." Chandler pulled something out of his pocket and held it out towards Joey. "I want you to keep this."

"But I gave you that bracelet," Joey looked hurt.

Chandler averted his eyes. "I know. Just keep it on you until we see each other again."

Joey didn't realize the heaviness those words carried. He fingered the 'best buds' bracelet. "I can't believe you kept it all this time. I thought you hated that thing."

"Nope, 'cause you gave it to me."

Joey grinned happily. "Awww, but I can't keep this."

"Sure you can. Something to remember me by." Chandler gave a sad smile.

Joey nodded his acceptance. "Okay, but next time you come visit I'm giving this back to you."

Chandler's smile faltered just briefly. He took it from Joey and clasped it on his best friend's wrist. There was a moment of hesitation. Chandler knew he had to board that plane back to New York and his wife and children, but his feet stood rooted in that spot. What he wouldn't give for one more day to spend with Joey. An extra hour, even. But it was time.

"I'll miss you, Joe."

"Yeah, me too. But I'll see you again."

Chandler gave a noncommital nod. He reached in to hug his best friend for the last time. Chandler lingered just a little longer than usual. He clapped Joey on the back. "Good bye, man."

"Goodbye." Chandler shuffled down the gateway. "Give those babies a kiss from their Uncle Joey," he called after Chandler.

Chandler barely heard him as he angrily swiped away the tears. His whole body was weighed down with the gravity of what he had just done. He had just said the first of many more goodbyes to come.

Okay..._ducks for cover_...don't shoot me.. I've been wanting to write this for a long time. Hopefully despite the content you will stick with me :) I promise there won't be too many tears...okay maybe some ;)


	10. Chapter 10

I am sorry for the delay in posting. For some reason, I could not log onto the site for over 3 days -errr. But it is finally here. Just fair warning - for some strange reason I torture Chandler a fair amount in this part. However, I think Ross and Rachel fans will enjoy. Again, thanks to all of you who keeping faithfully reading and reviewing. And of course, none of the characters are mine (except medical personnel)...

Chandler knocked lightly on the door. Ross was expecting him so he entered without waiting for a response. He caught Ross mid-act, playing with his dinosaur toys. "Ross, how many times have I told you? Women generally do not like men who play with dinosaur toys." Chandler smirked.

Ross gave a nervous laugh, shoving the toys under the couch cushions. "Oh, um Chandler...yeah, I was just creating a lesson plan for my new honors class."

"On what? How to be a geek?" Chandler sat down on one of the dinosaurs and made a face. He pulled it out from underneath him and chucked it across the room. "So do you have the papers for me?"

Ross rose and retrieved his briefcase. He pulled out a stack of papers and handed them over to Chandler. Chandler perused them for quite some time. "So is everything in order," Ross asked, peering over Chandler's shoulder.

"It appears to be." Chandler flipped through a couple of pages. "You had your lawyer set up the trust and the life insurance policies like we discussed?"

"Yep." Ross pointed to a specific clause.

"And it's cross referenced in the will?"

"It's all there, Chandler. Everything you wanted."

Chandler wore a grave expression. His eyes rose to meet Ross's. "Thank you for doing this for me."

Ross clamped his hands together. "I wish I could say it was my pleasure..."

Chandler exhaled. His eyes flitted around the room and rested back on Ross. "I have one more favor to ask." Ross waited for Chandler to continue. "I've been doing some other planning to try to make it easier on everyone. When the time comes, could you um - could you take care of the rest of the arrangements..."

Chandler didn't need to finish his thought. Ross knew what he was driving at, and he felt sucker-punched by the unspoken word. Funeral. His best friend was asking him to see to carrying out his funeral arrangements. The thought alone knocked the wind out of him. Ross couldn't fathom the possibility of a life without Chandler. His friend looked at him expectantly, awaiting a response. At first he could only nod. "Yeah, man. I, uh - whatever you need me to do."

Ross got up and grabbed a pen. He wanted to talk to Chandler more, but he couldn't figure out how. He held the pen out. "You, uh need to sign the papers so I can get them to the lawyer tomorrow."

"Okay." Chandler reached for the pen with a slightly shaking hand. He wished Ross would come out and say what was on his mind, but he knew his friend better than that. "Where do I need to sign?"

Ross pointed out the places for his friend's signature. Chandler gripped the pen, and with some difficulty began signing his name in big slow strokes. Ross did not fail to notice this, and dutifully picked up the pen when, on more than one occasion, it slipped from between Chandler's fingers.

The pair finished the process silently. Chandler was too embarrassed to speak, and as Ross sat watching Chandler's increasingly failing attempts to hold onto the pen, he became too choked up to say anything. "So that's it then?"

"That's it."

A moment of awkward silence passed between them. Chandler scooted forward to get ready to stand. "Thanks, Ross."

"Yeah," was all Ross could reply. He was too busy watching Chandler struggle to get up. He was torn between offering him a hand, and allowing him to do it himself. Ross could clearly see Chandler was growing increasingly frustrated at his weakening body so he hooked his arm under Chandler's and pulled him up.

"Chandler-" Ross started.

"Just don't. Please..." Chandler's eyes shone with unshed tears. He turned and walked out of the apartment without another word. Ross just stood there, regretting he didn't say more. He should go after him, but his feet refused to move. Ross stared at the closed door.

He must have been there for several minutes by the time Rachel and Phoebe entered the apartment. "Come on. Let's go. You of all people don't want to be late to this movie you are dragging us to," Rachel urged.

"Huh? Oh, yeah...that. You know suddenly I don't feel like going."

"Oh my God, Ross. I am going to kill you." Rachel slung her purse on the couch. "Do you know what we had to go through to get here?"

"Yeah," Phoebe agreed. "Crossing the street is a bitch."

Rachel continued her tirade, but suddenly stopped short. Ross was not refuting anything she said which was totally unlike him. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Um, did you see Chandler on your way, uh out?" Ross was clearly distracted.

"Uh-uh," Phoebe answered for the both of them.

"What is your deal anyway? Why are you off in outer space? Did you smoke a dinosaur bone or something?" Rachel was getting frustrated.

"I did that once," Phoebe interjected.

"Has Chandler seemed different to you guys lately?"

"Yeah, Ross. He has. He's dying. I'd say he's a little different."

Rachel did not realize how callous her words sounded. Ross recoiled as if he had been struck. "Right."

Rachel switched to maternal mode. "So out with it. What's bothering you?"

Ross glanced briefly at the spot on the couch that Chandler had recently vacated. "Chandler, he um - I had to help him get up off the couch."

"What are you talking about," Phoebe exclaimed.

"It's starting to happen," Ross swallowed hard. "I believed it was going to happen, but I didn't **believe** it."

Rachel led him over to the couch. "Ross, honey, you're not making any sense..."

Ross hung his head between his knees and gripped the back of his neck. "Chandler's getting sicker. He uh, he asked me to have some papers drawn up for him. And he asked me to, uh..." Ross had trouble finishing his sentence. He didn't think he could say it out loud.

"What did he ask you to do," Rachel inquired.

"Whatever it is, I think you should do it," Phoebe stated.

Ross exhaled forcefully. "He wants me to uh, help with the uh, funeral arrangements. Of course I'm gonna do it. I just don't know how I'll get through it. It's a scary thought."

Rachel rubbed his arm. "I know," she said softly. "It's is scary," she added almost as an afterthought.

"If it were any one of us it would be scary. But this is beyond scary. It's downright mortifying. I mean, it's Chandler. We've been friends...forever. I don't know how **not** to be friends with him. He's my children's godfather for pete's sake."

Phoebe stepped forward. "Who said anything about not being friends with him anymore?"

"Well, it's kinda hard to be friends with someone that isn't here anymore."

"You don't think Chandler's gonna be around anymore? That he won't be...somewhere watching us laughing his ass off at us?" Phoebe knew her attempt to get Ross to see her point of view might be a lost cause, but she had to try.

"C'mon Pheebs. You know I don't believe in that kind of stuff." Ross shifted uncomfortably from his position on the couch.

"Why not? I don't understand you, Ross. Wouldn't it give you peace to know that your friend will go on to something else and not just be snuffed out like an old candle?"

Ross rose and began pacing. "Of course it would. But you're asking me to change my whole belief system in like five seconds. I just don't know what to think anymore."

Phoebe scoffed. "Maybe it is time to change your belief system, Ross. If it's making you this uncomfortable, than maybe a change is in order." Phoebe took a step closer to him. "Look, all's I'm saying is that for your whole life you put your faith in science, and now that same science is failing your - our best friend. Maybe it's time to reevaluate your thinking."

The girls could see the inner battle Ross was having with himself portrayed in his eyes. "I don't know what to think anymore," he reiterated. "I just know that this is messed up. It wasn't supposed to end like this."

Ross began tearing up and Rachel moved over to put her arm around him. "I know, honey. We're all sad. It just about broke my heart when Monica was telling me about Chandler and the twins."

"What about them?"

"She didn't mention it," Rachel asked. She hesitated for a second before continuing. "Obviously, he's getting weaker. You know that - you saw it. Um, how should I put this? He can't pick up the twins anymore. Monica has to literally put them in his arms for him to be able to hold them because he doesn't have the strength to pick them up. Monica said when Chandler first realized that, he was absolutely devastated."

Phoebe wasn't aware of that piece of information either. "Oh my God. That's horrible!"

Rachel chewed on her lip. "Yeah, it is. Maybe we don't notice it as much because we haven't been around as often," she thought aloud.

Ross dropped his head. "Maybe we should start before it's too late."

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Monica had just finished putting Jack and Erica to bed when she heard a tremendous crash come from the living room. She went to investigate, and found Chandler on the floor in the midst of a seizure.

With each seizure he had, it became more and more horrifying. She was afraid that one of these times he would simply stop breathing. Or when he fell asleep afterwards, as he frequently did, that he would never wake. But the worst thing of all was having to watch him suffer through it.

The seizures only lasted a couple minutes, but for Monica it seemed an eternity. All she could do was watch helplessly as he writhed and moaned on the floor.

Jack and Erica woke up from the commotion. Both babies were crying. Monica did not have the strength to get up. She sobbed right along with them. That was how her friends found her, cradling her husband's head in her lap as he continued to seize, babies screaming in the background.

Rachel and Phoebe threw a concerned look Chandler's way, but both went in the other room to attend to the twins. Ross went to see to his sister. He held her close as the sobs quieted. Ross kept one eye on his best friend. Thankfully, the jerking movements were slowing and Chandler's breathing was becoming more regular.

Ross led Monica over to the couch and then kneeled next to Chandler. Chandler's eyes fluttered open. "Whu happened," he muttered. Ross could tell he was having trouble focusing his eyes.

Ross laid a hand on his shoulder. "You had a seizure, man. Let's get you off the floor." He placed a hand behind his back and gently lifted him until he was propped against the couch. Chandler was slowly coming around and taking in his surroundings, but he remained slightly confused.

"Sweetie?" Monica reached out a tentative hand and placed it on his arm. Chandler slowly turned his head to look at her, but he didn't respond. He blinked long and hard, wincing as he did so. "Is it your head again?"

Chandler nodded, still in a fog. He made a motion as to get up, but the effort was simply too much and he sagged back against the couch like a limp rag doll. Chandler pointed towards the bedroom, but couldn't quite put words to his request.

Monica immediately understood and grasped his hand with her own. She moved in front of him. "Okay, sweetie. Let's get you to the bedroom."

She slung his arm over her shoulder and started to stand, but Ross motioned her back. "It's okay, Mon. I got it. Just go check on the twins."

Ross waited until she disappeared into the other room and then scooped Chandler up in his arms. Ross was shocked at how light his friend was. He carried him carefully into the bedroom and lay him gently on the bed.

Ross studied his friend. He didn't seem to be aware of Ross's presence at all. His eyes were already drooping closed. Chandler's face was pale and drawn, and it was far from peaceful. Pain was etched in every line.

For the first time, he allowed himself to really look at the rest of his friend. Chandler's arms lay flaccid by his side. His shirt was slightly bunched up exposing the angry scar that ran diagonally from his back to his chest. Ross pulled his shirt down and went to pull the covers up. It was then that he noticed the wetness between Chandler's legs.

Ross felt a pang deep in his chest, realizing what had happened. He grabbed a fresh pair of boxers and sweat pants from the dresser and prepared to do what needed to be done. Ross hesitated, debating the best way to do it without waking Chandler. "Go ahead. He doesn't wake up," a voice said behind him. Monica was leaning against the doorframe. "On second thought, I'll do it." She moved to take the boxers and sweat pants from him.

"So this has happened before?"

Monica bit her lip and nodded. "A couple of times in the past few weeks. He doesn't even really remember any of it." She shrugged as if this were part of the normal routine. And in a way, Ross guessed it was. She moved next to the bed and began peeling off the layers of clothes. He looked away sheepishly.

Out of his peripheral vision he saw the prosthetic limb. He had never really gotten a good look at it, and he couldn't help but stare. "Um, should we uh...take that off?"

Monica gave a humorless chuckle that left Ross slightly confused. "No. I made that mistake the first time. Like I said, Chandler doesn't remember much. He went to get up and didn't know...well, anyway he fell pretty hard. Boy, did he cuss up a storm."

This elicited a small smile from Ross. "I bet. He probably muttered under his breath the whole day."

"You know it." She stepped back. "And we are done."

Ross turned to exit the bedroom. He looked over his shoulder. "So he's really gonna be okay?"

Monica looked longingly at Chandler. There was a hint of sadness in her eyes. "This time. But next time...who knows?"

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Chandler had fought everyone like mad - the doctors, his friends, and even Monica. Inevitably he had won out and they were now fast approaching the beach house. He knew it was the last trip he would ever take. Chandler wasn't fooling himself, but he wanted to see it one last time and see his children experience it for the very first time.

Phoebe walked ahead, keys in hand to open the front door as Ross balanced the luggage. Monica was placing the twins into their stroller as Rachel helped Chandler out of the car.

His gait was becoming increasingly unsteady, and Rachel had her arm hooked around his for stability. His movements were slow and purposeful, and she slowed to his pace. "How ya doing, sweetie?"

"Actually, really good," he replied. Chandler smiled at her with a twinkle in his eye.

"Ha ha. I know that look," Rachel teased. "So what are you up to?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking about the last time we were up here and you convinced that girl to shave her head."

Rachel laughed. "Yeah, that was a pretty good one, wasn't it?"

"You devious woman, you."

"Me? What about burying Joey and giving him fake boobs?" Chandler's face fell at the mention of Joey's name. "Oh, I'm sorry honey."

"No, it's okay. It's just hard sometimes, you know?"

"Yeah...no, wait. I've never had to do anything that difficult."

Chandler veered their direction off towards the beach and she did not protest. "It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, walking away from him...well, second hardest." Rachel gave him a quizzical look. "Leaving the twins and...well, that's gonna be hard."

"Monica will take good care of them. And we'll all help." Rachel knew her words were small consolation.

"I know. It's just, they need their father. I pretty much grew up without a dad, and I don't want them to go through that." He paused, resigned to his fate. "It's outta my hands I guess."

"Yeah." Rachel couldn't even begin to imagine what he was going through. If she had to leave Emma like that, she didn't know what she would do. Of course, Ross would take care of their daughter, but...

Chandler was growing weary and turned their direction back towards the beach house. "Too bad there's not a spare in the closet...Richard, or something."

"Huh?"

Chandler shook his head. "Nevermind."

It finally clicked what he meant. "Chandler, you're irreplaceable. There will never be another Chandler M -"

"Don't say it," he grinned at her, pointing a finger in her direction.

"Mmmmm," she teased. She knew how much Chandler hated his middle name. He had, after all, kept it a secret from them for years. "Alright, alright."

Chandler laughed and threw his arm around her shoulder as a big brother would. And it occurred to her that that's what she stood to lose - not only a best friend, but a brother.

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Everyone else was asleep as Rachel sat sipping a cup of tea. She couldn't sleep. Too many things were running around in her head. She barely heard the approaching footsteps.

"Hey. Can't sleep either," Ross asked.

"Nope. Thinking too much to sleep." Rachel straightened up from the counter. She traced the rim of her tea cup with her finger.

"Whatcha thinking about?"

"How life's too short, I guess. About the twins. About Chandler and Monica. About us..." she trailed off letting the sentence hang in the air.

Ross was flabbergasted. He didn't know how to respond so instead he just repeated her words back to her. "About us?"

"Yeah. Do you ever think about...us?"

Ross gave a nervous chuckle. "Well uh, of course. You are the mother of my child."

Rachel came from behind the counter. "That's not what I mean and you know it. We both did a lot of things wrong. Well, you more than me -"

"We were on a break!"

Anger flashed through Rachel's eyes at that familiar statement of denial. But she relinquished her anger. It was time to let go of it. "Ross, that stuff doesn't matter any more."

Ross looked guiltily at the floor. Could he dare to hope that this was the conversation he had been waiting for for so long? "So what are you saying, Rach?"

"I'm saying what matters is those two little babies upstairs that will never now how wonderfully smart and funny their father is. What matters is that our best friend is dying. It could have been you or me, but thank God it's not because we never got past our petty bullshit and admitted how much we really love each other. Monica and Chandler found each other before it was too late. And I want that for us, too."

Rachel let the tears flow down her cheeks. Ten years of things said and done, and things not said and done spilled out. She was laying it out on the table for both of them. They were lucky, they had all the time in the world. But they had missed chance after chance, and she wasn't about to let this chance slip through her fingers. Who knew when it would be their last one?.

Ross attempted to speak, but no sound came out. He had waited and wished for this, but had resigned himself to the fact that it would never happen. He should be overjoyed, but it was bittersweet. It took his best friend facing his final days for them to realize their love for each other. He teared up right along with her. "Oh my God. I love you so much."

Ross and Rachel embraced. "I love you too. I never stopped," she whispered into his ear. "We should be together. Nothing else matters. Letting all the petty crap from the last ten years keep coming between us would be doing Chandler the greatest dishonor." She repeated herself. "Life's too short."

"You couldn't be more right. I want that too, so much." He buried his face in her hair. "Marry me, Rach. Marry me."

"I want that very much. It's all I've ever wanted - you."

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"I can't believe you guys are finally getting married," Phoebe exclaimed. "It's about time!"

"So what made you guys finally see the light?" Monica was beaming. Yes, her brother was getting married yet again, but it was to her best friend.

Ross and Rachel glanced at each other and turned to Chandler. "Chandler," they said in unison.

Chandler who had been quiet up until this point, grinned. "Me? I don't know if I should be honored or frightened. But please continue. "

Everyone laughed. Rachel recapped their conversation, leading up to the proposal. "And then I proposed," he finished.

"Wow, it's about frickin' time," Phoebe said. "I told you, you guys were lobsters."

Monica had finished feeding Jack and Erica, and was now in the process of cleaning up. "So do you have any idea when or where this is all going to happen?"

"Well, we didn't finalize anything, but we want it to be soon," Rachel informed them.

"And definitely back home so all our friends and family can be there," Ross added.

Chandler looked crestfallen. "How soon, man?"

Ross knew immediately what Chandler was thinking. He attempted to allay his fears. "Very. Like within days."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, seriously. Rachel and I are pretty much calling in every favor to make this happen."

"How come the rush? Why not a month from now," Phoebe asked innocently.

Ross cleared his throat. "Well, we want **all **our friends and family there." He looked directly at Chandler as he said this. He turned to face him more directly. "Dude, you have been with me since this all started. Since the crush, since the first time there ever was a Ross and Rachel. You listened to me bitch and moan for years. You were there through it all. I could not do this without you there."

Ross had to pause to catch his breath which gave Chandler the perfect opportunity to speak. "Sure you could, man. I think it's the bride that is absolutely necessary."

"No, Chandler I couldn't. I - we need you there. You deserve to be there, and we're going to make sure that's possible."

Chandler was touched. "I don't know what to say."

"Say you'll stand up for me. Say you'll be my best man."

"I don't know about the standing part..." Chandler offered his hand and Ross grabbed it and pulled Chandler into a hug. "Of course I'll do it. Thanks, man. It means a lot."

Ross pulled back from the embrace. "It means a lot to us too."

"Ooh, we should call Joey," Phoebe suggested. "He would so want to be here too."

Chandler's eyes widened at this. That thought had not crossed his mind. He didn't know if he could face Joey again. He would have a lot of explaining to do. The other three looked at him for a response. There was only one right answer. "Of course, we should. He'll be ecstatic."

"You sure, man?"

"Absolutely. Pheebs is right. He would wanna be here." Chandler silently prayed that Joey wouldn't be able to come. He did not have the strength to explain himself nor to say goodbye to him yet again.

Ross could see Chandler squirming as he dialed the phone. He knew what was going through Chandler's head. Ross was secretly relieved that he was okay with Joey coming. He never liked keeping Joey in the dark about Chandler's health. And to Ross, Joey being here for their wedding would solve that problem

Ross hung up. "Had to leave a message." The relief was apparent in Chandler's eyes. Ross still could not understand Chandler's reasoning, but he had made a promise.

"Yay! So okay. Let's go the beach!" Phoebe bounced around with excitement. The mood was generally light, and the beach seemed like a wonderful idea.

Monica got the twins ready while Rachel packed a picnic. The setting sun kissed their faces as they breathed in the sweet, salty air. A slight breeze coming off the ocean was riffling their hair.

Ross chose a spot and spread out the blanket. Rachel and Monica plopped down with the twins. Chandler continued past the blanket down to the shoreline. Monica watched him carefully. He stopped just as the water lapped the shore.

He stood there with hands in pockets, looking out to sea. The setting sun created an almost ethereal backdrop. Monica elbowed Rachel and Phoebe. It was a beautiful sight. Monica, always prepared, pulled out her digital camera. She took the picture and viewed the snapshot.

She inhaled sharply. "Wow," Rachel exclaimed. "That's amazing."

"He looks..." Phoebe trailed off.

Ross had returned with a lounge chair. "...almost angelic," he finished. .That was a statement so out of character for him, that it caused the other three to look up in shock.

"Definitely a Kodak moment," Monica agreed.

The moment was broken by the ringing of Ross's phone. "Hey, Joey!"

Ross listened for several minutes. "Yeah, I know. Finally. So do you think you can make it?" His face fell at Joey's answer. "So there's no way?" There was a long pause as Ross sat listening on the other line. "No, I understand. Totally. We'll miss you man."

Ross shook his head at the group. "No, Chandler's doing okay. You wanna talk to him?" Ross hesitated, torn. "He's uh, indisposed at the moment." He laughed "Yeah, you guessed it. See you later, man." Ross clicked the phone closed.

"So I take it Joey's not coming," Monica asked.

"No. He asked, but his director threatened to fire him if he left. Something about contractual obligations. He says he's super sorry and wishes us the best. I think he was more excited than me." Ross gave a nervous chuckle.

Rachel rubbed his arm soothingly. "I'm sorry, honey. I know you really wanted him there."

"We all did." No one had noticed that Chandler had crept up behind them. The four were surprised at his response, but secretly glad. They all held out hope that Chandler would change his mind. Chandler gave them a sad smile as if telling them his mind was still made up.

"You know, I was thinking. We should probably get back to the city tomorrow to start putting this thing together," Rachel mused.

"You're probably right," Ross concurred.

"Why don't we all go back? You two could use all the help you could get right now," Phoebe offered.

"That would be great! Ooh, Mon, you gotta help too."

Monica looked at Chandler doubtfully. "I would love to, but..."

"C'mon, Mon. Go ahead. You know you're dying to be the organizer of this shindig. Ross and I can hang out for awhile."

"What about the twins?"

"I'm sure your parents can watch them for a little while."

Monica looked deep into Chandler's eyes. "Are you sure?"

Chandler bobbed his head. "Yeah, definitely. You go have your neurotic fun."

Monica smiled at him and mouthed 'thanks.'

Chandler looked down and pointed. "Just one thing. Look out for those jellyfish."

"What! Where?" Monica jumped up and ran away. Chandler stood there laughing, eventually everyone joined in except Monica.

"Gotcha!"

Monica feigned anger. "You...ooh you are so dead."

"Just be glad I didn't try to pee on you again." This elicited a new round of laughter. Chandler laughed so hard he collapsed onto the lounge chair, pulling Monica down with him.

"Yeah, I will be eternally grateful for that." Monica snuggled up to him and finally gave a little chuckle. She didn't mind being the butt of his jokes as long as she had moments like these to cherish.

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"Dude, I can't believe you are finally marrying Rachel. It's about time."

"I know. I can't believe it myself." Ross finished tying Chandler's bow tie and then went to work on the boutonniere.

Monica poked her head in. "It's time. We're ready."

"This is it." Ross knew he had nothing to be nervous about, but he was anyway. This was the love of his life, and he had blown it before. He was bound and determined that this day go smoothly.

Chandler walked along side him. "Can I tell you something?"

"Shoot."

"This time, it's okay to say Rachel's name." Chandler bumped Ross's shoulder with his own to show he was only joking.

"Thanks, man. I'll keep that in mind."

"Seriously, I am so happy for you guys."

"Seriously? Me too. This is like the best day of my life." They entered the front of the hall, awaiting Rachel's entrance. "I'm so glad you're here with me."

There was a sadness that briefly passed through Chandler's eyes. "Me too. Could I **be** any happier?"

The music swelled as Rachel made her entrance. She was absolutely breathtaking. Ross bounced on the balls of his feet anticipating the moment when they would become man and wife. Finally, she arrived by his side.

The minister began talking, but Monica could not hear his words. She looked past Rachel to Chandler, reliving their wedding day. He met her eyes and smiled. Monica knew he was thinking about the same thing. If she had it all to do over again, she would in a heartbeat. Even if she had known it was going to end the way it was, she would still not hesitate to be with him. She was reminded of that old song. _I could have missed the pain, but I would've had to miss The Dance,_ or something to that effect Chandler was her everything.

The days behind them had been difficult and challenging, but the ones to come would be even more so. Monica tried to mentally prepare herself for the day she would have to say goodbye to the love of her life, but realistically she would never be ready to let him go. The worst day of her life was yet to come, but right here right now, she was the luckiest woman in the world.

Monica was broken out of her reverie by the minister. "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

As Ross and Rachel preceded them down the aisle, Monica hooked her arm in Chandler's and strolled down the aisle by his side. He seemed to put a bit of his weight on her as they made it towards the back of the hall. She tried to chalk it up to him just being tired, but in the back of her head alarm bells were going off.

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As soon as the couple arrived home they collapsed onto the bed. Chandler hadn't even undressed, but was out like a light. Monica took off his shoes and socks, and then got herself ready for bed. She dozed off quickly.

Monica was awakened by an unusual sound. Her first thought was to go check on Jack and Erica, but as she slowly came into consciousness, she realized the sound was coming from within the bedroom.

Monica listened closer to the ragged, coarse breathing next to her. She rolled Chandler off his side and flipped the lamp on. His complexion had a bluish tinge to it, and a thin film of sweat covered his face. He felt warm, but not alarmingly so. "Chandler," she quietly called

He did not respond. She gave his shoulder a firm shake which elicited a groan from his lips. "What is it, Chandler?"

It took him several seconds to answer. "Can't breathe," was all he could manage to get out between breaths.

Monica propped him up with pillows and went to call the doctor while simultaneously getting herself ready. She already knew that they would be taking a trip to the hospital tonight. Just hours ago they had seen Ross and Rachel off on their honeymoon. How quickly things changed.

She hung up with the doctor and called the ambulance at his suggestion. She woke Phoebe up so she could come be with the twins. Luckily Phoebe arrived as the EMTs were loading Chandler into the ambulance.

"Phoebe.."

"Don't worry about it. Just go. Go!" Phoebe waved her on.

The ambulance ride seemed to take an eternity. Monica grasped his hand as he went in and out of consciousness. His breathing was somewhat alleviated by the oxygen mask. But a few minutes into the ride he went into a grand mal seizure.

Monica never let go of his hand until he was whisked through the double doors. As they swung shut, she was isolated. She was cut off. She had never been surrounded by so many people and felt so alone at the same time. Once again, all she could do was sit down and wait.

Time passed like molasses. The doctor came through the doors in slow motion. She tried to read his face, but couldn't. It was a blank slate. He finally reached her and sat down next to her. Monica took a shaky breath as he turned to face her. "Monica, I'm sorry..."

TBC

Okay, okay. I know that was evil. We are nearing the end (no pun intended). I will try to update soon.


	11. Chapter 11

Time passed like molasses. The doctor came through the doors in slow motion. She tried to read his face, but couldn't. It was a blank slate. He finally reached her and sat down next to her. Monica took a shaky breath as he turned to face her. "Monica, I'm sorry."

Her heart dropped into her stomach. That was it. Chandler was dead. She had lost him. She hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye. Monica was so wrapped up in her own pain, she nearly missed the doctor's next words.

"He has a really bad case of double pneumonia. We've got his breathing stabilized, but he is on high amounts of oxygen. We're giving him massive doses of iv antibiotics, but his fever hasn't broken yet." He let out a deep sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm afraid there's more. When Chandler experienced his last seizure, his breathing was already compromised. The seizure, as you already know, was a prolonged one which deprived his brain of even further oxygen."

"So what are you saying?"

"Chandler suffered a minor stroke as a result. We don't know exactly how bad the damage is because he hasn't woken up yet."

Monica had the breath taken right out of her mouth. She had been steeling herself for the moment when she lost Chandler forever. She expected the seizures, even the pneumonia. But a stroke? In his 30's? "Can I - can I see him," she stuttered out.

"Of course." The doctor led her down a brightly lit hallway and stopped in front of a glass door. He slid it open and stepped to the side so she could enter. She heard the door slide home as she took a step into the room.

A small cry escaped her lips without her knowing it. Chandler's face was obscured by an oxygen mask, his body hidden beneath blankets and monitors. It didn't seem possible, but somehow he appeared even smaller and frailer beneath all that hospital equipment. Monica moved towards the bed slowly. The chair scraped against the floor as she pulled it up next to the bed and sat down next to him.

Monica grasped his hand as she eyed the heart monitor bolted to the wall. His pulse was strong and steady which should have reassured her, but his stillness told her a different story. Even after the surgeries and the chemotherapy, he had never been this still. She had to look hard just to see the rise and fall of his chest. The utter silence of the hospital room unnerved her.

Monica scooted the chair closer. She brushed back his hair with her unsteady hand. "Oh, baby. How did we get here?" She struggled to suppress the tears. "I don't want it to end here, like this."

The room seemed to be closing in on her. Monica got up and paced the room. "I know you had Ross draw up some papers. You never were very good at keeping a secret." She smiled to herself. "But I never saw those papers so I don't know what your wishes are. What happens if you stop breathing - should I just let you go?"

Monica went back over to the bed and leaned down so she could whisper in his ear. "See sweetie, you have to get better. There are a lot of things we haven't talked about yet. I love you so much.I don't know what to do."

The only sounds in the room was the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor and the constant hissing of the oxygen. Monica hadn't felt this alone in a very long time. Most of her friends were halfway around the world, and the one that wasn't was at home with their children. She hugged herself in a vain attempt to beat back the feeling of isolation.

"Monica..."

She turned around at the sound of her father's voice. "What - um, what are you...how did you know I was here?" She should have been elated to see her father standing before her, but instead she was numb inside. Numbness was her only defense against all the bad cards they had been dealt in the last couple of years.

"Phoebe," Jack Geller answered simply. He stood at the foot of the bed studying Chandler's still form. "It doesn't even look like Chandler," he said aloud without realizing it.

Monica shook her head. "No. It doesn't," she agreed.

"How's he doing," Jack asked innocently.

Her face crumpled. "Oh, daddy," she choked out Her defenses were crumbling, and there was no way she could stop them. The emotions came pouring out of her.. Jack enveloped her in his arms as she broke down completely.

"Shh, it's gonna be okay. I'm here. It's okay," he soothed.

Monica accepted his well-meaning comfort, but she knew from the bottom of her soul that nothing would ever be okay again. This was the beginning of the end.

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Monica spent an uncomfortable night in the chair next to Chandler. She refused to leave his side for even a second. If the worst were to happen she couldn't stand the thought of him being all by himself. So her dad bunked down for the night too.

Jack was softly snoring, his head laying at an awkward angle. Monica rubbed the crick in her neck as she squinted against the sun shining through the blinds. When she regained her focus, she glanced in Chandler's direction. Monica was pleasantly surprised to see his eyes open. "Hey honey," she breathed with relief.

"Mon..." his eyes searched the room. "Where the hell am I?" His words were slightly muffled due to the oxygen mask.

She sniffed back her tears of joy at Chandler's recognition of her. "In a hospital, sweetie. You have a really bad case of pneumonia, and they're giving you antibiotics to fight it."Chandler moved to take off the mask, but she stilled him with a gentle hand. "You should really keep that on. Your breathing hasn't been so good."

Chandler merely nodded and let his eyes drift closed once again. Monica came around to the other side of the bed and sat down. She slid her left hand into his and gave it a squeeze. His fingers tried to close around her hand without success. Monica repositioned her hand. Again she felt his fingers attempt to close around hers. She looked down perplexed. "Chandler, sweetie. Squeeze my hand."

"I am," he uttered slightly irritated.

Monica gave him a forced smile which he was oblivious to. He was already falling back to sleep. She stayed beside him until his breathing deepened and evened out. Jack lay still sleeping undisturbed in the chair. She gave Chandler one final glance before she went to locate the doctor.

Her fingers drummed impatiently against the counter as she waited for the doctor to come up for his rounds. Finally, he was approaching. She fell in step beside him. "Dr. Marshall, Chandler woke up for a little bit."

"Good. That's very good." He continued walking.

"But I thought you said he had a minor stroke. If it was so minor then how come he can't squeeze my hand?"

The doctor halted at the divulgence of this latest development. He quickly changed direction, heading towards Chandler's room. "Can he move it at all?"

"A little."

They reached the door to the room. "If you wouldn't mind waiting outside so I can examine him."

The doctor disappeared into the room. A short time later Jack exited the room. Monica paced the hallway. Jack stood around, unsure of what to do. It was some time before the doctor came out.

He drew her aside. "I'm going to run a few more tests, but it appears that the stroke caused left sided hemiparesis." He registered Monica's confused glance. "Uh, sorry. The stroke left him with left-sided weakness. He can move his arm and his leg, but he's very weak."

Monica clamped her hand over her mouth to stop the tears. It seemed to be all she was doing lately. She knew better than to ask if there was any hope of recovery. "So what now?"

"I'll know better after I run some tests." He laid a well-meaning hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry."

Monica nodded and watched as he walked away. For the second time that day, she allowed herself to be accepted into a hug and cried on her dad's shoulder.

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"Oh God, Ross. This place is beautiful!" Rachel exclaimed. "Say we can stay here forever."

"Yeah, I wish." The last four days had been absolutely blissful. If Ross could have kept the two of them there, away from reality, he would have gladly done so. But whereas here they had total peace, a world away his sister and best friend were suffering and he could not put that totally out of his mind.

Rachel began making advances which he readily accepted. The ringing of the phone rudely interrupted their afternoon tryst. Ross almost didn't answer it, but he knew given the circumstances, he had no other choice but to pick up the phone. "Hello." He giggled as Rachel nibbled on his ear. "Oh, hi Mon. What's up?"

Ross listened silently for a few moments. He reluctantly pushed Rachel away. Rachel knew better than to be offended as she studied Ross's face. Something was definitely wrong. "Oh God." Ross sunk down onto the bed. "Yeah. Yeah. We'll be there as soon as we can. No, really it's okay. See you soon."

Rachel gave him a quizzical look. "It's Chandler..." he answered her unasked question.

Her breath caught in her throat, automatically fearing the worst. "Is he um - did he..."

"No, but he's in the hospital. Pneumonia." Ross let his head drop into his hands. "And he had a stroke. The doctors are doing tests, but things aren't looking so hot. Monica said he lost some function on his left side."

"I'll call the airline honey." She rubbed his shoulders. "Why don't you start packing?"

"Are you sure you don't mind cutting our honeymoon short?"

"Are you kidding? It's Chandler, our best friend. We have all the time in the world to make up for it. We need to go - to be there. If something happens and we're not there, we'll regret it for the rest of our lives."

Ross looked at her astonished. He always knew she had a good heart, but it still surprised him sometimes how unselfish she could be. He never would have guessed that the spoiled daddy's girl he met in high school would become the woman standing before him today. "You are so amazing."

"I know." She smiled at him. "But we seriously have to get a move on. We don't have a lot of time to waste."

Ross moved to begin packing as Rachel dialed the airline. In his heart he knew that it was Chandler that didn't have a lot of time. From here on out, everything they did would be a race against time.

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Ross and Rachel came trotting down the hallway. They hadn't been able to get a flight out until the next day. And even that flight was delayed. It took them nearly two days to get home to New York.

"Oh guys. Thank God," Monica greeted them. Phoebe followed close behind her, being unusually quiet.

The group hugged briefly. "How's he doing, Mon?" Ross shifted anxiously.

"Better. The pneumonia's starting to clear up, and he's more alert."

"Can we see him?"

"Sure, but why don't we grab some coffee first," Monica suggested.

"You know, I don't know if this is really the best time," Ross attempted to joke.

"Ross, I think coffee's a good idea. Monica has something important to discuss with you." Phoebe's voice cracked at that last statement.

Ross looked bewildered, but dutifully went along to the cafeteria. "Ross, did you bring the papers," Monica asked.

"Yeah." Ross pulled them out of his back pocket.

Monica skimmed them as the walked down the hall.

"What's this about, Mon? You're kinda freaking me out here."

The foursome found a quiet corner in the cafeteria. Monica continued to flip through the legal documents. When Rachel touched her hand, she jumped. She momentarily had forgotten the others presence. "Sweetie, mind telling us what this is all about?"

Monica took a couple of deep breaths. Her chin quivered briefly, but she willed it to still. "Chandler..." she started.

"He is getting better, right?" Ross felt his heart jump into his throat.

Monica chewed on her bottom lip. "The pneumonia is clearing up like I said." She paused, unsure of how to continue. "But the infection and the stroke put a tremendous strain on his body. The doctor says his organs are showing signs of beginning to fail."

Monica found it hard to look them in the eye. She sniffed hard and swiped at a stray tear. No one spoke, waiting for her to continue.

"Anyway, he thought it was time to discuss hospice care."

"Hospice," Ross echoed.

Monica nodded. "Yeah."

"So that means..."

"End of life care, yes. The doctor feels that the disease in its final stages." She couldn't prevent her voice from cracking. "And that it won't be too much longer."

Monica tried desperately to hold her emotions in, but to no avail. She broke down for the umpteenth time that week. Rachel and Phoebe cradled her as she sobbed. Ross sat, mouth agape. He couldn't believe what he just heard.

Monica composed herself. "So I think that maybe it is time to look into Hospice. At least that way he could be at home."

Ross teared up despite his efforts to be strong for his sister. "What does Chandler think about all this?"

For the first time in a long time, Ross saw that fire in her eyes that she got when she was really determined. "Given the circumstances, he feels it's the best option - the only option. He's accepted it Ross, and we should too. He wants to go home." _He wants to go home to die,_ she finished in her head. Saying the words aloud were just too difficult to say.

Ross stood up. "I wanna see Chandler."

Monica automatically went on the defensive. "Chandler's made his decision, and I have too. Don't try to change his mind. He's going home."

Ross tried to allay her fears. "Monica, no matter how much I don't want to, I know I have to accept it. I'm glad you accept it too. You've just had more time to process it. I'll come to terms with it. I just wanna see my best friend."

Monica's attitude softened. "Of course. I'm sorry, it's just been a rough few days."

"I can only imagine, honey." Rachel gave her shoulders a supportive squeeze.

The foursome retraced their route back up to the floor Chandler was on. They hesitated outside his door for a second before entering. The group found him propped up with several pillows. He was leaning slightly to the left. Monica helped him shift, and readjust the pillows so he was sitting up straight.

For a long minute, no one spoke. Finally Rachel stepped forward to greet Chandler. "How ya doing Chandler?"

He slowly shifted his gaze from Monica to Rachel. "Aren't you supposed to be on your honeymoon?"

Rachel looked away not able to meet his eyes. Ross tried to make up some excuse about bad weather, but he could tell Chandler wasn't buying it. "Mon, I thought I asked you not to call them. The last thing I wanted was for their honeymoon to be ruined. They've both waited a long time for this." Although his speech was slow and a little slurred, the anger came through in his voice loud and clear.

Monica opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She didn't even have the energy to defend herself. "She didn't. I did," Phoebe stated. Monica knew Phoebe was just trying to make herself the scapegoat, and she appreciated it.

Ross played along. "Yeah. When Pheebs called us we wanted to come back. To tell the truth, we were getting bored there anyway."

"Rachel, get sick of room service? Never," Chandler scoffed. His tone lightened. "I appreciate you coming back to check on me, but you will never get another chance at a honeymoon."

"No, but I'll never have another best friend, either," Ross said in a rare expression of emotion.

Chandler playfully challenged him. "You have Joey."

Ross shook his head. "It's not the same and you know it." Ross smiled despite himself. "Dude, stop fishing for compliments."

"It's hard not to when you're as wonderful as I am." Chandler smiled and they all did not fail to notice that it was a slightly crooked smile. His smile didn't quite turn up all the way on his left side.

All the tubes and wires did not bother Rachel. She, like the others, had gotten used to that. But his lopsided smile sent pains running through her chest. "So when do we get to spring you from this place?"

"Soon I hope. Mon?"

"A coupla days I think. All the equipment has to be delivered. And the apartment isn't ready for you yet."

Chandler rolled his eyes. "What she means is, the place isn't 'sanitized for my protection' yet."

This statement elicited a few chuckles. But the underlying mood was somber. Chandler was small and frail. Each one tried to pretend they didn't notice anything was amiss, but it was clear his ailing body could not keep up with his razor-sharp mind. He appeared aged beyond his thirty-five years.

Chandler did his best to keep his friends at ease, and his friends in turn tried to act as if they were. It was a dance they were perfecting. But the pretense was starting to wear on him, and he was growing weary of it.

He let out a long sigh. "Look, time is short. Can we all just drop the charade?"

Ross played innocent. "I don't know you mean."

"Look, I can tell you're all uncomfortable. To tell the truth, I've had better days myself. I'm not okay and you know I'm not okay, and I know **you all** aren't okay. So let's stop pretending like we are." Chandler laid his head back on the pillow, the statement taking out of him all of his reserve energy.

Ross acted as if he were about to disprove Chandler's words, but Rachel stopped him. "Okay. No more bullshit." She approached the bed. "We all love you and we're scared to death of that moment when you will no longer be with us. It hurts us to see you like this."

"Good." Chandler swallowed hard. "That's a good start. I'm scared too," he admitted.

Ross stepped forward. "I'd be scared as hell too if I were in your shoes."

Chandler shook his head slowly. "It's not where I'm going that's so scary. It's what I'm leaving behind." He looked directly at Monica as he said this. She didn't need him to elaborate. She understood.

Monica took hold of his hand and answered his unasked question. "I cannot promise you I'll be fine with it for a very, very long time. But I can promise you I can try. And I promise that those two little babies will be loved so much they won't be able to stand it."

"I know," he whispered to her.

She smiled through her tears. "And I will never let them forget how much that you love them - how excited you were to be their father."

Chandler returned her smile. His vision was blurring with his own tears. She had told him exactly what he wanted to hear. That was what he was most afraid of - that he would be forgotten. That his children would grow up not knowing how much he had wanted them and cared for them. He did not want to leave this world, leaving behind only fading memories.

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"Monica, why do you look so down? Chandler's coming home today. Today should be a happy day," Phoebe said.

Rachel sat at the kitchen table, silent. She thought she knew why Monica was less than enthusiastic about Chandler's journey home. "You don't have to do this alone, you know. You have us."

" I know." Monica traced the curve of the couch with her fingers. "I also hired a nurse to come in so I'll have plenty of help."

"And the transport service is bringing him home. Ross is with him so it should go smoothly."

"I know that too."

"Then what is it? What's bothering you?"

Monica looked around the apartment and her gaze fell on the monstrosity that was before her. The men had delivered the hospital bed yesterday. Every time she walked by it or looked in its direction she was reminded. Not only was the love of her life dying, but she would never again feel herself in his arms. He wasn't physically capable of that now.

Rachel was intuitive and followed her gaze. She immediately understood the reason for Monica's sadness. There was nothing she could say or do to make the pain go away.

"I'm losing him a little bit at a time Rachel. I don't know what would have been worse. Chandler being taken away from me - from us suddenly, or having to watch him suffer through this - this disease."

Rachel got up and crossed the room to Monica. She gave her a warm hug. "There's no good way to lose somebody. There just isn't."

Monica blotted at her eyes and nose with a tissue. "I'm not ready to lose him, Rach. I'm just not."

"Will you ever be," Rachel asked softly.

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Over the next couple of weeks Chandler's health deteriorated even further. He wasn't even able to hold a glass of water to his lips to drink. He had to depend on everyone around him to do even the simplest thing. Although he tried not to show it, he was frustrated and embarrassed to no end.

His breathing had also taken a turn for the worse. The nurse had turned up the oxygen on her last visit, but it didn't seem to give him much relief. Chandler's only escape from the pain and the struggle to draw each breath was sleeping, something he was doing more and more of lately.

He was asleep when the knock came at the door. Monica opened it to reveal a strange man before her. "Yes? Can I help you?"

"Monica, you look lovely." Monica was still confused, but she was beginning to recognize the voice. She couldn't quite place it yet. "I'm here to see my son."

Then it clicked. It was Charles. Monica had never seen him before out of drag. "Mr. Bing - uh Mrs. Bing," she stuttered. "Please come in."

"Thank you dear. I'm not disturbing him am I?"

"No. Let me wake him up."

"No, don't do that on my account."

"Really, it's alright. I know he'll want to see you. It'll just be a minute. Why don't you have a seat?"

Charles began to sit, but thought better of it and opted to stand. He watched as Monica crossed the room to Chandler. From his vantage point he was unable to get a good look at his son.

Monica shook Chandler's shoulder gently. "Chandler."

Chandler turned his head to the sound of her voice. "Mon?"

"I'm sorry to wake you up baby, but you have a visitor."

Chandler strained to see who was standing beyond Monica. He didn't have to wonder for long. "Hello, son."

"Dad..."

Charles came up to the edge of the bed and got a really good look at Chandler for the first time. Of course the disease had taken its toll on him, but deep inside, Charles could see the helpless little boy that he had known and loved so much.

"Before you kick me out, I have some things I'd like to say to you."

"C'mon, Dad. I'm not gonna throw you out. I couldn't even if I wanted to, "he weakly joked.

"Son, I deeply regret all those missed years. I never wanted to abandon you, but I was honoring Nora's wishes to have nothing to do with the two of you." Chandler started to speak, but Charles stopped him with a hand. "I'm not blaming your mother. I'm blaming myself for listening to her."

"I just wanted you to know that I thought of you every single day. I always loved you, still do. And I am so proud of the man you've become."

Chandler had no idea what to say. He had been waiting most of his life for this kind of validation from his parents. He should have expected this cliche confession on his near-death bed, but it still took him by surprise. He welled up inside despite himself. "I did a lot of things wrong too, you know. I ignored your letters and calls. And to tell the truth, it was Monica that forced me to go to Vegas and invite you to the wedding."

Charles' face reflected how he felt inside. He had known that to be true on some level, but it still hurt to hear it. Chandler realized this. "No matter how it happened, I was really glad to get you back in my life."

"So was I." Charles teared up a bit. "And I'd like to stay in your life, as long as you'll let me."

Chandler nodded. "Okay." There could have been more stubborn arguments and tears and yelling, but there was no time for it now. It was time to let go of all the anger and sadness. It was time to let go of the past.

Monica came out holding Jack and Erica. "Would you like to hold your grandchildren?"

Charles readily accepted the set of twins from Monica. He gazed down at those two beautiful children. He may have made many mistakes with his son, but he would make sure that he didn't make the same ones with his son's children. "Thank you for letting me into your home - and back into your life."

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With the end drawing near, the four friends had each decided to take a leave of absence from work. No one could concentrate on their jobs anyway. Their thoughts constantly turned to Chandler. So one by one they put through the paperwork to take some time off. As a result, Monica had at least one of them there around the clock.

She was secretly grateful for this. The strain of taking care of Chandler and the twins was taking its toll on her. She rarely slept anymore. Even eating was falling by the wayside. Her three friends and even her parents made sure she ate and forced her to take naps. But the sleep was restless. She didn't want to miss even a moment that she had left with Chandler.

Ross and Rachel had just gotten back to their apartment after sitting with Chandler so Monica could get some rest. Just convincing her to go to sleep had been exhausting. Finally Ross had pulled his big brother act, and Monica capitulated.

The couple was left with the task of attending to Chandler's needs. Jack and Judy had taken the twins for the day to give Monica some relief.

Chandler was in excruciating pain, pain that seemed to be intensifying on a daily basis. There was very little relief they could offer their friend. Ross did the only thing he could do. He found himself shooting up his friend with morphine, left by the nurse for just that purpose. Ross had never done anything like that before, and he willed his hand to stop shaking as he slid the needle home.

Ross found himself holding his breath as he waited for his friend to get some relief from the pain. When he saw Chandler visibly relax, he let out the breath he was holding. He stared down at the needle as if it were a pariah, the realization of what he had just done hitting him like a ton of bricks. He had the urge to throw it down, get rid of it. But it was in fact a needle, so he disposed of it properly.

Ross could not get that image out of his head even in the privacy of their apartment.. Rachel could tell he was agitated by the way he paced their living room. "What's going on, Ross? What are you thinking about?"

"I think you can guess."

Rachel bounced Emma on her knee. "Yeah, me too. It's emotionally draining to say the least."

"Yeah," Ross agreed hanging his head. "It just sucks to stand by and watch, and not be able to do a damn thing about it."

Ross's face suddenly lit up with determination. Rachel did not care for that look, and watched in horror as he picked up the phone and began to dial. He had dialed several digits before Rachel grabbed it out of his hand and hung it up. "Ross, just what the hell do you think you are doing?"

"Something that should have been done a long time ago."

"Ross, this is so not your place."

"Like hell it isn't."

"You promised Chandler. We all did."

"If the situation was reversed, I would hope to God one of you would pick up the phone and tell me what was going on."

Rachel relented. She could deny it all she wanted, but the fact of the matter was the same thought had been going through her head. She was torn, as they all were, between keeping her promise to Chandler and being a friend.

She grasped his hands in her own. "Alright. I agree with you. But this is just not something you can say over the phone."

Ross sighed. "I know that. I wasn't calling out to California. I was placing a call to the airline."

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Ross made up some excuse about a last minute, emergency business trip. He hated lying to Monica, and especially Chandler. He knew Chandler would be angry with him, but at this point he didn't care. He would just have to get over it.

Ross enlisted Phoebe to drive him to the airport. He didn't have to do much convincing, unlike what he was expecting. She felt the same way he and Rachel did. Whereas normally he would be screaming at her about her crazy driving, he barely noticed. Faster was better at this point. He felt as if he were constantly in a race against the clock.

Phoebe dropped him off at the door and he ran to the counter. He didn't even bring any luggage. He didn't figure on being out there long enough to unpack anyway. He bought two tickets - one round-trip ticket and one open ended ticket.

Ross barely made the flight. He made it to the gate just as the last call for boarding was going over the loudspeaker. He hurriedly found his seat and clicked his seatbelt closed. It was going to be a long flight so he had plenty of time to prepare what he was going to say to Joey. The best way would probably be to just come out and say it.

The minutes passed slowly, and each second seemed longer than the last. He rushed out of the plane as soon as it landed and docked on the jetway. He hailed a cab and silently pleaded with it to hurry up as it zipped through the streets of LA.

He found himself standing before Joey's apartment door. He didn't have time to take in his surroundings, too focused on the task at hand. He raised his hand to knock, but hesitated slightly. This would change everything. He would have to choose his words carefully to lessen the blow to his friend.

There was a brief moment where he almost turned around and went home to New York, but he bit the bullet and rapped sharply on the door several times. When there was no answer, he knocked again He waited for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, Joey answered the door in his robe. It was clear he had been sleeping. "Oh my God. Ross," he exclaimed pulling him into the apartment.

"Hey Joey."

"What are you doing here? It doesn't matter. I'm just so happy to see you. How long are you staying?"

Ross couldn't get a word in edgewise through Joey's endless stream of questions. "So what brings you out here to LA? How are you doing? How is everybody back home?"

Ross paused, reluctant to dampen his friend's enthusiasm. But he had no choice. He had come all this way, and it had to be done. "Actually, not so good. That's why I'm here. Joey, you need to come back home."

TBC.


	12. Chapter 12

Ross paused, reluctant to dampen his friend's enthusiasm. But he had no choice. He had come all this way, and it had to be done. "Actually, not so good. That's why I'm here. Joey, you need to come back home."

Joey was filled with panic, and it showed on his face. "What? Why? I don't understand. What's wrong Ross?"

Ross took a step back. He didn't want to ambush him before he even got dressed. "Why don't you go put some clothes on and pack a bag while I put some coffee on?"

Joey wanted to argue, but something in the way Ross looked at him stopped the words before they could leave his mouth. He bounded up the steps, stripping as he went.

"Dude, change upstairs. I don't want to see that."

Ross rummaged around in the kitchen until he found what he was looking for. He barely had time to start the coffee brewing before Joey came fumbling down the steps. He stood in front of Ross, hands on hips. "Alright, what could be so urgent that you are practically forcing me to come back to New York with you?"

"Joey, have a seat."

"Ross, just tell me."

"I think you should sit."

Joey heeded his words and pulled out a chair. He figured it was the best way to get Ross to get on with it.

"You're gonna get angry, but before you do I suggest you listen, really listen to what I have to say." Ross grabbed two coffee cups and set them on the counter. He began to pour the aromatic liquid.

"Ross, you're really scaring me, okay? Could you please just tell me what in the hell is going on?"

Ross sighed. He hated being the bearer of bad news, but he hated the fact that what he was about to say next would destroy his friend, even worse. "Shortly after you left, something happened." Joey waited expectantly for him to continue. "Chandler got some bad news. Some really bad news."

"Oh no. Does he have to go back to Tulsa again? I told him he shouldn't fall asleep. What is with that guy?" Joey did not immediately follow where Ross was going with this. In Joey's mind, the cancer was just a bad memory.

"No. I wish that was it." Ross came and laid a hand on Joey's shoulder. Joey knew something was really wrong for him to display that level of support. "The cancer came back."

"So he has to go through more treatment. Man, that really sucks. How's Monica holding up with the twins and all?"

"Not too well, I'm afraid. See, treatment won't help this time. It's in his brain, all over really. He's dying Joe."

Ross winced, letting that last sentence hang in the air. He had said it aloud and Joey's face reflected all the emotions that were coursing through his body. He was angry, hurt, confused, but most of all he was filled with a crushing sadness.

"He's - he's known all this time," Joey whispered, barely audible.

"Yeah." Ross thought it best not to mince words, and let Joey have his say.

"So, when he came out to California..."

"He knew then, yes."

"He came to say goodbye. Oh my God. I thought he was acting strange." Joey might not have been the brightest bulb on the tree, but he was certainly putting things together now. "Why - why didn't he tell me?"

"I can't pretend to know his reasons. He made us promise not to tell you." Ross sipped his coffee waiting for the outburst he knew was sure to follow this latest revelation.

"You knew? You all knew? How the hell could you keep this from me? He's my best friend! What gives you all the right to decide who knows?"

"Chandler. He wanted to protect you. He didn't want you to sacrifice your career to come home and watch him die. He swore us to secrecy," Ross reiterated.

"You tell him I don't need protecting! Goddamn him! And you, you went along with this?"

"I'm here now Joe. I thought you deserved to know before he...well, you know."

"No, I don't know. How sick is he? How long has he got?"

"Not long. Days maybe."

Joey let a tear trickle down his cheek, unnoticed. "Why even tell me at all at this point?" Joey's eyes widened in realization. "He doesn't even know you are here, does he?"

"Nope. And you can be as mad at me - us as you want. But please don't be angry with Chandler. This is not the time for that. You can be angry later. But you have to come home now. It's time to say goodbye."

Joey had gotten up during his tirade, but he collapsed back into the chair. "Oh my God," he repeated. "How could I not have seen it? How could I not have known?"

Ross watched Joey. His friend was breathing so hard he was practically hyperventilating. Another tear slid down his cheek. "Tell me what happened. I wanna know - from the beginning."

Ross sat down in the chair across from Joey. "It started on Phoebe's birthday. We all had gone out to dinner to try to make up for last year. When we got back to the building Chandler had been hanging back. The girls went upstairs. Before I knew it, Chandler collapsed in the foyer and had a seizure right in front of me."

Joey squeezed his eyes shut, imagining the scenario. No matter how glad he was not to have witnessed that, he still wished he had been there.

"Anyway, he was rushed to the hospital They did scans. And the scans showed the cancer had spread all over his brain."

Joey's face lit up with new hope. "But they can treat it. They treated it the other times it spread, right?"

Ross shook his head, morose. "No. As I said before, there's just too much. There is nothing that can be done. He's had other setbacks along the way too."

Joey paled and looked like he could be sick, right there on the kitchen floor. He was afraid to ask what Ross meant by that, but he needed to know. "What do you mean by that exactly?"

"He's very, very weak. He just got out of the hospital a couple of weeks ago. Chandler had a nasty case pf pneumonia. His breathing hasn't been right since. The doctors sent him home on oxygen." Ross wanted to say the next part delicately, but there really was no way to do that. "He was so sick Monica wound up calling an ambulance. He had a massive seizure on the way to the hospital."

Joey shook his head vehemently. He didn't want to hear anymore, but he couldn't bring himself to speak. So Ross continued. "He stopped breathing during the seizure. The doctors said the oxygen deprivation caused a stroke."

Joey's head dropped into his hands. "There's no way. When I saw Chandler he was doing pretty good. A little tired, but still...You're making this up. You have to be. Please Ross, say you're making this up. This is all just some sick joke. You go back there and tell Chandler that this joke isn't funny."

Ross watched Joey get up and pace the floor. He let his friend blow off some steam before he put the final nail in the coffin. "It's not a joke, man. I've never been more serious in my life. Come see for yourself."

All the air had gone out of Joey and left him deflated and defeated. "He doesn't even want me there."

Ross laughed, but there was no humor in it. "That's where you are totally wrong, my friend. He wants you there so much it scares him to even think about it. He wouldn't let himself think about you because it hurt him too much. You should have seen his face every time your name came up in the conversation."

Joey hung on Ross's every word, wanting to believe that was the truth. He wanted to believe his friend did not exclude him from the last months of his life out of spite or selfishness.

What Ross said next finally convinced Joey of Chandler's altruistic motives. "He told Rachel that getting on that plane and walking away from you was the hardest thing he's ever done in his life besides having to leave Monica and the twins."

Joey contemplated the gravity of those words. It finally sunk in that he really did mean as much to Chandler as Chandler meant to him. He friend pushed him away to spare him. This realization sent him over the edge and he dissolved into tears.

Ross couldn't tell what Joey was thinking, only that he was hurting. "Chandler needs you right now. We all do. Say you'll come back with me."

When Joey regained control of himself he answered with a nod. "Anything for Chandler. You know that. That's the way it's always been, and that's the way it will always be."

Joey didn't wait for a response. He ran up the stairs and grabbed his bag. He started to head out the door before something caught his eyes. His hand closed on the metal object, and he kept it clasped there as they made their way back home.

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Monica mopped Chandler's brow with a damp washcloth. He was in a cold sweat from the effort of trying to keep the pain under control. She had given him the maximum amount of every medication she could, but none of it seemed to be dulling the pain.

Chandler's breathing was becoming more erratic. As the pain reached a crescendo, his breathing was harsh and rapid. Then it would slow down to nearly normal. This pattern had continued throughout the afternoon.

The washcloth dampened again. Monica traced his dry, cracked lips. He was too weak to speak, but he thanked her with his eyes. She gave him a small smile to say that she understood.

Rachel and Phoebe could only stand by helplessly and watch their friend suffer the agony. There was very little they could do for him. Rachel silently prayed that Ross had gotten through to Joey, and that the pair were on their way back to New York now. Phoebe shared her anxiety, and kept glancing at her watch.

She had revealed to Phoebe where Ross had gone, but telling Chandler was a different story. However, just looking at him now, she was beyond caring how he reacted. Joey needed to be here. On that point Ross had been right. She pleaded with them to hurry up But it ultimately wasn't up to her. Things were spinning out of control in a hurry.

A loud groan from Chandler ripped her out of her private thoughts. She held in the tears as she saw his face contorted with pain. Monica pressed her lips together tightly to hold in the emotions that threatened to spill out. The last several months had given her a drawn and haggard appearance. Rachel gently removed the washcloth from Monica's hand and took over for her.

Rachel watched Monica disappear into the bathroom before she let her eyes rest back on Chandler. She could see his mouth trying to form the words. With some difficulty he said, "Please...let this end."

Rachel bit on her lip to keep it from trembling. She traced the angle of his jaw with the washcloth as he grimaced. She slid her hand into his right hand. When she was enduring the pain of labor just holding onto someone's hand gave her great comfort, and she attempted to do the same thing for Chandler.

Chandler gripped her hand hard and squeezed as another round of pain coursed through his body. The strength in that hand was disproportionate to the rest of his body. A small voice came through gritted teeth. "Help...me...end...this. Please," he begged her with his eyes.

Phoebe gasped and Rachel turned toward the sound of her cry. She quickly brought her attention back to Chandler as she quickly scrubbed the tears from her cheeks. Rachel cupped his face in her hand. "Oh sweetie, I would love nothing more to relieve you of this pain. But I cannot do what I think you're asking me to do. You gotta hang on a little longer, okay? Please."

Chandler shook his head. Rachel couldn't tell if he was saying to her that he couldn't hold on or that he wouldn't. "Not what I meant...never mind." His breathing was slowing down again, and he was finally getting some rest.

Rachel left her place at the side of the bed and went over to Phoebe. Tough, resilient Phoebe was openly sobbing. "Did he just ask you to..."

"I think so."

"He must be in an ungodly amount of pain to even consider something like that. Nothing we do seems to help at all." Phoebe threw up her hands. "I don't know what to do for him."

"Neither do I. But we have to help him hold on a little longer."

"How?"

"I don't know."

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"What the hell are they doing now Ross?" Joey was agitated and continually fidgeting in his seat.

"There's some sort of mechanical trouble. We just have to wait." Ross sighed and glanced at his watch.

"Wait! We can't wait. Maybe we should rent a car or find another flight or something."

"Joey, it would take us three days to drive there. And all the flights are booked up through tomorrow."

Joey groaned in frustration. "God, this sucks!" He leaned his head back against the head rest. "If he...um, if he's...gone when we get there, I will** never** be able to live with myself." He rubbed his hands vigorously over his face.

"I should've listened to my gut. I wanted to tell you when he found out."

"Why didn't you?"

"I struggled with it, but ultimately I made a promise to Chandler. I tried to change his mind, but..."

Joey smirked. "Yeah, he can be a stubborn jackass at times."

Ross nearly spit out his water. He chuckled. "You got that right. You remember at the Halloween party when we were arm wrestling. He would not give up. I had to bribe him."

"Hehehe. I knew you didn't beat him fair and square." Joey's face got very animated. "How about when you were trying to get us all dressed to go to that thing, and he wouldn't get outta that chair so I put on all his clothes."

"Didn't he hide your underwear or something?"

Joey dissolved into peals of laughter. "Dude, we had the best fights. We fought** a lot**.'

"Is that why you guys always hugged so much? Making up?"

"Yeah. No. I dunno. Don't you ever get overwhelmed with emotions sometimes and just have to hug somebody."

"Uh...no."

"Right. I forgot who I was talking to. Here." Joey dug in his bag. He pulled out a framed picture of himself and Chandler. "We had this taken in London. Kinda forgot about it. Found it when I moved. It's been in my apartment ever since."

Ross took the picture out of Joey's hands and held it reverently. "Wow, that's a great picture." It had been a long time since he had seen this Chandler, a happy and healthy Chandler. Ross patted his friend's knee. "I'm gonna get you back there, Joey. Don't worry."

That statement was a harbinger. The engines started up and the pilot announced they would be taking off shortly. Ross offered a silent 'thanks' to whoever had made that possible.

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A desperate call to this nurse sent her running over. Chandler's breathing had become labored. It was hard to tell if it was from the pain or from the disease itself. She placed him on an oxygen mask which seemed to ease his struggle for breath somewhat. She also obtained an order from the on call doctor to up his pain medication.

Finally, Chandler seemed to relax a bit more. Monica sat on the edge of his bed, offering what comfort she could. She felt Chandler slip something into her hand. When she opened it, it revealed his wedding ring. She wore a puzzled expression. "Do me a favor? When Erica's old enough, I want her to have this. She can give it to her future husband."

Monica was touched. "Honey, that's yours. I gave it to you."

"I know. I just wanted to give her something to remember me by."

Monica lovingly stroked his hair. "When the time comes, I promise it will belong to her. But do me a favor? Wear it just a little longer." Chandler nodded his assent and let her slip it back on his finger. The wedding band was now at least two sizes too big.

"I wish I had something meaningful to give Jack," Chandler said wistfully.

"How about your porn collection," Monica quipped.

Chandler laughed. "No, I think Joey's got dibs on that." He thought for a moment. "You know I do have something. Remember that watch you gave me? I wore it until the band fell apart, and never did get it fixed. Maybe you can get it fixed and give it to him?"

"Of course, sweetie. Whatever you want. I'll make sure that he gets it."

"Good. Okay."

Chandler yawned and Monica could tell that sleep was not far off. "Why don't you try to rest a little bit?"

"I got plenty of time for that after I'm gone." Chandler grew forlorn. "I know there are lots of firsts I'm gonna miss. First steps. First days at school. First boyfriends and girlfriends. I just wish I could've made it long enough to see their first Christmas."

He teared up and so did Monica. It hadn't even occurred to her that Christmas was right around the corner. They hadn't had much to celebrate lately, and the holidays had fallen to the wayside. She could hope and wish all she wanted, but the fact of the matter was he would not be around for any more Christmases, or anymore holidays. She wondered just how they would get through this holiday season without him.

Despite his distaste for Thanksgiving, he had managed to make Christmas special for each of them at one time or another. He had dressed up as Santa just to give his nephew a special holiday. He had gone along with Joey and Phoebe when Phoebe thought she was going to meet her real father, unable to do his Christmas shopping because of it.

There were so many special moments that he had given each one of them. He deserved the chance to do that for his children. But life was not fair, and he would never be given that chance. It would be up to Monica alone to create those moments. She would do her best to make him proud.

Night had fallen long ago. The snow that had fallen earlier unbeknownst to them, now gave the city an illuminosity that could only be created by the reflection of the moonlight on the snow covered streets.

Chandler's eyes finally closed despite his efforts to keep them open. Monica hunkered down on the window seat, prepared for a long night of restless sleep by his side. Phoebe and Rachel spread out in the living room with the same intentions. The clock ticked off the minutes as if it were an ominous omen.

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Dawn was breaking over the city as the plane's wheels met the runway. Neither men had had much sleep, their thoughts consumed with their urgent mission. It was breakfast time by the time they reached baggage claim. "You know, Joey. We oughta eat before hitting the road."

Joey for the first time in his life did not feel that gnawinghunger in his belly. It was replaced by a knot of anxiety. ""No. We gotta go. We've already lost so much time."

"It's going to be a very long day. You need to eat while you have the chance. Come on," Ross insisted.

All the fight had gone out of him. He reluctantly agreed. They stuffed their faces with the tasteless food as the made their way through the airport. The snow had made getting a cab somewhat difficult, but finally a driver stopped for them.

The drive took twice the amount of time. The traffic had slowed to a snail's pace due to the newly falling snow. Both their nerves were frayed. Most of the drive was spent in silence. Ross was trying to figure out how to explain to Chandler breaking his promise, and Joey was mentally preparing himself for the harrowing experience to come.

Ross broke the silence. "Why don't you let me talk to Chandler first?"

"What? Why?"

"He's gonna be pissed, and I want him to take out his anger on me - not you. You didn't do this, I did."

"Chandler's changed hasn't he?"

"Some, yeah. But not as much as you might think. He can still be the proud, stubborn guy you remember. He's still getting in his jokes whenever he can too - usually at my expense." Ross smiled but it quickly faded. "It's the physical changes that are the most disturbing."

"What do you mean?"

"It's hard to describe."

"Try me."

"Well, you know how after the chemo he was really skinny and kinda pale?" Joey nodded. "Well, it's kinda like that only, uh worse. You'll see."

"Geez."

"Yeah."

They fell into another awkward silence that lasted until the cab pulled up to the building. To Joey it would always be home, but it was the worst homecoming he could ever recall. Ross gave him a knowing look as he unloaded his bags from the trunk.

The pair trudged up the stairs, their shoes squeaking on the linoleum. Ross opened up the door to Joey's old apartment and set the bags down.

"Dude, what're you doing? Aren't the people that live here gonna be pissed?" Joey did not notice the bareness of the room.

"I don't think so, man. No one lives here. Chandler's name is still on the lease. He made up some excuse about needing storage for extra space with the babies, but I think he just couldn't bear to give the place up."

Emotion welled up inside Joey. It wasn't exactly as if he had left it, but it was close enough. "Wow," was all he could manage to utter.

"Look, why don't you hang out for awhile and I'll go say hey to Chandler."

"Alright." Joey watched as Ross latched the door. He wondered around the apartment soaking up the memories. He approached the door that was never fixed after his foray into carpentry. It was Chandler's old room, now bare.

He traced the outline of where the entertainment center had been on his way to his old room. He opened the door, expecting to find it empty. Instead he found the old foosball table. Chandler must have spent hours piecing it back together. Save for a few cracks, it looked almost as good as new. He spun the guys around, remembering the many games that had been played between the two of them.

Joey found a spot in the middle of the empty living room. It reminded him of the time their apartment had been robbed and they were without furniture for weeks. Chandler was furious with him for good reason, but the first question out of his mouth had been 'are you okay.' So much of the past and present was tied to Chandler that he couldn't imagine what a Chandlerless future would be like. An overwhelming feeling of loneliness encompassed him.

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Ross peaked his head around the corner. "Hey, Mon. Chandler awake?"

"Yeah."

"How's he doing?"

Monica shuddered involuntarily. "Not so good." She drew Ross aside. "He's in agony. I don't think I can stand to watch him suffer like this."

Ross hugged his sister warmly. "Can I talk to him for a minute?"

"Of course."

Ross approached the bed. "Hey man."

Chandler raised his right hand off the bed slightly in greeting.

Ross did away with the pleasantries. Just looking at his oldest and dearest friend, he knew there was very little time left. He spoke around the lump in his throat. "I brought someone to see you. Now I know you're gonna be mad at me, but what's done is done." Chandler glared at him over the oxygen mask, comprehending instantly what Ross was alluding to. "He needed to know, but I am sorry I broke my promise to you."

Ross started to get up, but Chandler's hand closed around his wrist. "Ross, wait...don't get all high and mighty on me, but...you were right."

Relief washed over Ross. He was prepared for a confrontation. That was the last thing he had wanted at a moment like this, but he was willing to take the risk. "Should I go get him?"

"In a minute. I want a few minutes with Mon first."

"Okay, I'll get her on my way out."

Chandler still had a hold of Ross's wrist. "Thank you...for everything."

"Anytime, man."

Chandler slid his hand down into Ross's and gripped it. "You're a good friend. I love you, man."

Ross did something completely out of character for him - he wrapped his arms around Chandler and held on for dear life. "I love you too." He buried his head deep into Chandler's shoulder to hide the tears. He realized with a heavy heart what had just happened - his friend had just told him goodbye.

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Monica sat before him. He weakly stroked her hair, gazing into her eyes. "God, you're so beautiful. I love you so much. Please don't ever forget that."

She let the tears fall. He brushed them away with his thumb. "I won't," she promised him.

"If things were different -"

"They're not."

"Monica, let your husband have the last word for once." His words became softer as the air needed to produce the words was in short supply.

She laughed. Chandler removed the oxygen mask and brought her hand up to his mouth. Through the laughter came more tears as she felt his warm tender kiss on her hand. "Like I said when I proposed...you make me happier than I ever thought I could be."

Chandler attempted to pull the mask back up, but what little strength he had left was waning. Monica adjusted it for him. She sniffed. "Baby, you have made me so happy. Since the day I met you, you have given me laughter and friendship and most importantly, your heart. I couldn't have asked for any better."

"Thank you for not giving up on me, and for having the courage to love me despite all the odds."

Monica let out a cry. "And how I do love you. God, I love you so much it physically hurts me sometimes."

"I'm gonna miss you, babe."

"I'm gonna miss you so much." Monica was now openly sobbing.

"Please don't cut yourself off from everyone after I'm gone. There were so many happy times. Remember those and move past it. You have two of the best reasons in the world to get on with your life."

"I promise to try. But you will always be in my heart." She brought his hand up to her chest and laid it over her heartbeat. "And I will never stop loving you."

"I love you forever, Mon. Always have. Always will." The pain and sleepiness was creeping back in. Monica stayed with him until he drifted off. She went out to the living room and wept into the pillow.

Rachel and Phoebe, who had already gotten their goodbyes, quietly slipped out to give her privacy. They went across the hall, something that they hadn't done in a long time. It felt strange.

"Joey," Phoebe exclaimed.

"Hey Pheebs. Rach." He warmly embraced both girls.

"I'm so glad you're back," Rachel said into his ear.

"Me too. Hey listen, how is Mon doing," he asked concerned.

"About as well as can be expected." Rachel paused, unsure of how much to say. "I think Chandler just told her goodbye."

Joey's face instantly became more somber. "Can I go see him now?"

"Of course, sweetie. He just fell asleep a few minutes ago, but given the situation I don't think he would mind being woken up."

"Yeah. Okay." Joey moved slowly towards the door. He wanted, needed to do this, but it scared the hell out of him. He mustered all the strength he could to step out in the hallway. He came face to face with Monica.

"Oh my God, Joey! What are you doing here?" She hugged him fiercely, and Joey hugged her back.

"I came to see Chandler." He released her from the hug. "Oh Mon, I am so sorry this had to happen to you guys."

Monica could not formulate a response to that. Instead she said, "He is going to be so happy to see you."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

"Look, I know he's sleeping. But maybe I could just sit with him a while until he wakes up?"

"Certainly." Monica was surprised to see Joey here, but secretly delighted. She knew instantly it was Ross that had brought him here, and she was grateful. "Go ahead on in."

"Thanks." Joey was nervous and it showed. He slowly opened the door to the apartment and clicked it shut softly behind him. He took in the apartment. Not much had changed, except the empty silence of it.

Joey had never seen his friend so still. Even in his sleep he had constantly moved. Chandler was even thinner than after his chemo treatments. His bones jutted out unmercifully, stretching the pale skin so thin it created a skeletal appearance.

Lest he risk disturbing Chandler, Joey moved stealthily over to the window seat. He sat down and studied his friend's wan and drawn appearance. The past trials of the last couple years was written into every line of his face. The sleep did not seem peaceful at all.

Joey whimpered and cleared his throat. "Dude, I don't know if you can even hear me, but I gotta say it. I don't know why you thought you couldn't tell me what was going on. I wish you would've, but it doesn't matter anymore. Joey's here now, and I'm not leaving you."

He slid his hand carefully into Chandler's. "I could yell and scream at you, wish for the past few months back, but I'm not gonna do that. It wouldn't solve anything. God, Ross was right. You can be a stubborn jackass sometimes. Maybe that's what kept you going all this time. I don't know."

There was no one here to see his tears, but Joey hung his head down to hide them anyway. "Why, Chandler? Why? Why did this have to happen? Why are you being taken away from us? I just don't get it."

Joey dug an object out of his pocket. "Remember? I said I'd give you this back to you the next time I saw you." He clasped the bracelet around his friend's wrist. "Best buds forever, man."

Joey laid his head on Chandler's chest and felt, rather than heard the uneven breaths and the erratic heartbeat. It wasn't much, but it was something to hang onto. He was rewarded with a hand on the back of his head.

It took him a second to register the contact. He raised his head up and was greeted with his reflection in Chandler's bright blue eyes. The hand slid down to Joey's shoulder and gave it a light pat. "Chan, you're awake!"

"Couldn't sleep with all the talking," Chandler uttered wryly.

"Sorry, man."

"S'kay."

"Boy, it's so good to see you again." Joey picked at a loose thread on the blanket, suddenly at a loss for words.

Chandler grimaced and shifted. His jaw worked against the pain."I'm really sorry. I know I shut you out, but I am really glad you're here."

"It's ancient history. Forget about it."

"I need you here. I was...stupid. Selfish. Just didn't want you to see me like this." Chandler turned away, ashamed. He didn't know why it was different with Joey. Maybe he felt that Joey had this idealistic image of him that he didn't want to shatter. Maybe it was just...pride.

Joey gently guided his face back until it was even with his. "Hey, it's okay. You're human, Chandler. You cannot protect me from life. And this is one thing that even you can't fix. There's no shame in that."

Chandler hung desperately on his every word. He needed to believe him, but all the fight had gone out of him. "I'm so tired, Joe. So tired..." he admitted. Chandler's exhaustion was evident in every syllable. He inhaled deeply, his breath ragged with the effort.

Joey leaned over and softly caressed his best friend's pale, moist cheek. The words he intended to say died on his lips. How could he tell Chandler it was okay to go now? How could he tell him that everything would be okay - they would be okay - when he didn't believe it himself? All Joey could choke out was, "I know."

"I tried. I fought so hard, Joe." A tiny tear made a trail down past the oxygen mask. Joey struggled not to look away. As hard as Chandler's physical pain was to witness, the emotional pain was far worse. It broke his heart that Chandler thought this was somehow his fault - something he could control.

Again, the only solace he could offer, "I know, buddy." He grasped Chandler's cold, limp hand and squeezed for emphasis.

Chandler gazed out the window. The afternoon sun was so bright, too bright. His eyes grew far away as he tried to disassociate himself from the pain. But it was to no avail. His body stiffened and a cry escaped his lips as the pain engulfed him.

Joey willed his voice to steady. "Maybe, um...maybe it's time to sleep now." The duplicit meaning of Joey's words passed between them with unspoken understanding.

Chandler met Joey's eyes again. "The twins? Monica?" He licked dry lips.

There was no need for elaboration. The friends's bond was so strong that words were more often habitual, than necessary. "Chandler," Joey's lips trembled. "They will be taken care of. Okay? They will never want for anything." _Except you._ "We will see to it that they're okay."

He knew his words only brought small comfort to a father that wanted more than anything to see his children grow up, and wanted more than anything to grow old with the love of his life.

Chandler sighed. It wasn't a sigh of relief, but one of resignation. This was now a fight he could not win. His eyes were growing heavy. The need for sleep was becoming overwhelming.

As if Joey were hearing his most private thoughts, "You fought the good fight." He swallowed hard. "You can rest now, Chandler. No regrets."

"No regrets," Chandler repeated softly.

"None," Joey said almost too sharply. "You were the best thing that ever happened to me - to all of us. I am so thankful for all the times we had together." _I want more time with him,_ Joey shouted internally.

"I wish..." Chandler struggled for each laborious breath. The fog on the oxygen mask was becoming less and less dense. He shook his head slowly, unable to complete his thought. "Thank you."

Orange stripes of sunlight landed at Joey's feet. _Thank me? For what?_ _No, Chandler. Thank you!_ Chandler's eyes searched Joey's, relaying one last unspoken message. Joey rose from his seat and leaned over and kissed Chandler's cheek chastely. "For everything."

For the briefest of seconds, Chandler's eyes sparkled and then drew to a close. His breathing evened out somewhat, although still shallow and quick.

Joey walked slowly and silently to the door. He took a deep breath before going across the hall to face the others. Only Ross looked up as he came through the door. He nudged the others half-heartedly.

Joey could only stare blankly back at them. The preceding conversation and what was about to transpire too much to bear. He motioned them with his head, and turned back without waiting for acknowledgment.

One by one the group filed into the apartment. The setting sun was casting an amber glow onto the walls. No one seemed to notice. All eyes were on Chandler.

Monica sat down on the side of the bed and clasped Chandler's hand. His mouth turned up a little, but his eyes did not open. "Oh, honey..." her tears cut off all other words. They had said everything that needed to be said.

Ross approached the bed and laid a supportive hand on Monica's shoulder. Rachel stood back behind Joey, frozen with grief. Phoebe took it upon herself to light candles and incense. Her ritual brought her some comfort, and she hoped it would do the same for her departing friend.

The others did not ridicule her for once. They were all individually paralyzed by their own emotions - guilt, anger, fear, grief - it was all one.

Rachel grabbed Joey's hand and gave it a supportive squeeze, the only indication that this was really happening and not some horrible figment of her imagination. Joey let his other hand drift over to Phoebe's who in turn placed her other hand in Ross's. Ross's hand found it's way into Monica's, her other hand still holding Chandler's.

The group held onto each other in a desperate attempt to hold on to what remained. The sun dipped slowly behind the horizon as five sets of eyes watched Chandler fight for each precious breath.

The amber glow migrated from the wall onto their friend's face as it slipped lower and lower behind a cloud. The waning light gave him a facade of health. They collectively gasped as the mirage caused them to glimpse Chandler as he had once been.

The mask of pain left his face with the sun's light. There was an odd peace in the room - and silence. The silence was broken by Monica's sobs. Rachel soon followed, dissolving into tears of her own. Phoebe hugged herself, chewing on her lip to suppress her cries. Ross looked around at each of his friends and his sister, and then his eyes fell on Chandler's still form. He blinked back the tears in disbelief as he met Joey's eyes. Joey silently pleaded with him that it wasn't true.

Ross nodded imperceptibly. "He waited for you, Joe. He wanted us all to be together - one last time," he whispered reverently.

Ross's words were a catalyst. Joey collapsed onto Chandler and pulled his still, lifeless form in for one last hug. "Oh, God...Chandler." His shoulders continued to shake with the tears he shed as Monica's arms enveloped them both and wept along with him. Somehow the five of them wound up in a group hug. The grief was too much to bear alone.

"I think -" Phoebe spoke softly. "I think he's finally at peace now."

TBC

I know, I know...I can't believe I killed him off. My heart is breaking too. Please don't hurt me :) This was such an emotionally draining chapter to write. There is one more coming. Thanks for all the reviews and hanging in so long with me and this story. Almost there now... :D


	13. Chapter 13

The sun was shining brightly in the cloudless sky. It was a beautiful crisp winter day. There was something inherently wrong about that. There should be no blue sky, no warmth in the air. The heavens should have been mourning on the day that Chandler was to be buried.

Ross felt like he had been run over by a semi. The last two days had been gut-wrenching. He had not allowed himself time to grieve in the interest of carrying out his duties. He pushed his feelings to the side to fulfill his promise to Chandler. And this promise he had kept.

Almost immediately he had dove himself headfirst into the task at hand. Phone calls and arrangements had to be made. The dreaded time had come. However, it was the first phone call though that turned his stomach beyond reproach.

_As soon as Chandler drew his last breath time stopped. Nothing existed but the pain and the emptiness and the deafening silence of the room. Time became irrelevant as each friend took their turns whispering last words to Chandler that only they and God could hear_.

_Ross had delayed the inevitable as long as he could, but it was time. At last, Ross drew out a slip of paper from his pocket and took the phone out in the hallway with him. He did not disclose the nature of his phone call. There was no need._

_The words stuck in his throat as he attempted to speak How could he say the words aloud? Although her knew one day he would have to say them, he still wasn't prepared. What he was about to say would change their lives forever. "Yes, um hi. This is Ross Geller. My brother-in-law, um Chandler Bing...he just ..." The tears started to come through in his voice as the reality sunk in. "He, um just passed away. We need Dr. Marshall to come sign the death certificate."_

_He hung up the phone with a heavy heart. There it was. The action that would officially physically remove Chandler from their lives forever. Ross sank down to his knees in the hallway and openly cried large, heaving sobs for the first time since he was a little boy._

_He hadn't even cried this much when he and Rachel had broken up, but this was completely different. This wasn't a break up. This was...an extrication._

_Any time beyond the immediate present he could not fathom. All he could think of was that Chandler had just died, and he had just summoned the man that would confirm that. He knew that the doctor would be coming soon and he enlisted Joey's help to convince the girls to leave Chandler's side and go to the apartment across the hall._

_Ross had to promise Monica again and again that he and Joey would stay by Chandler's side before she would even entertain the notion of leaving him. Finally, she stole one more last goodbye. She kissed his cool, lifeless lips and as she had promised, she slid the wedding ring off his finger. It seemed all Monica had of him now. "I love you Chandler," she whispered through the sobs._

_She let herself be led across the hall by Phoebe and Rachel. No matter what she did to try to staunch them, the tears kept coming in torrents. Ross tried to lay a consoling hand on her arm as she passed, but there would be no consoling today._

_Some time later, as he looked on numbly, Chandler's body was taken away. This was the part he had forbidden the girls to see. But for him it was like a bad car accident, unable to tear his eyes away no matter how much he didn't want to see. Ross kept telling himself that that wasn't Chandler in there, but it didn't matter how he lied to himself. His best friend was being carted away and out of there lives forever._

_After the door was shut, Ross realized that he was all alone. Joey must have left, being unable to take the sight of the body being taken away. 'The body.' That's all it was now. The essence, the spirit, everything that was Chandler had vacated the premises._

_The tears he shed washed away the numbness. He was hit suddenly with the realization of what had just transpired. That first phone call had been horrific. And there were more phone calls to make. He wondered just how he would muster the strength to make them. _

'_Damn you, Chandler. Why did you have to put me in this position? Why did you have to go and leave me like this? Why?'_

"Why indeed," Ross uttered aloud.

Rachel did not question him as she normally would have. She knew what was on his mind - all of their minds at the moment. Instead she moved behind him and lightly massaged his shoulders. "Honey, we need to go soon. The service will be starting," she gently reminded him.

Ross sighed forlornly and patted Rachel's knee. "I know. I just don't think I'm ready to do this, you know?"

Rachel kissed him on the cheek. "Will you ever be really?"

Ross gave a humorless laugh. "No, not really. But..."

"You owe it to Chandler," Rachel finished for him.

"Yeah. You know, I love that about you." Ross took her hand and led her around to the couch. "I love that you can finish my thoughts."

"The way Chandler used to," Rachel amended.

"Exactly." Ross's smile melted into a look of desolation. "How are we gonna get through this?"

"I don't know babe. But I'll be here for you, you know that."

"Absolutely. I am so grateful for that. Otherwise, I don't know what I'd do." He gave a sad shake of the head. "Usually I'd go to Chandler in a situation like this, but, um..." He crossed his hands in front of his mouths to stymie the sob that wanted to escape.

Rachel draped her arms around his neck. "Ross, you don't have to be strong for me. It's okay to not be in control every second."

"I know, but I also have Monica and Joey to think about."

"True, but you have to think about yourself as well. Chandler is your best friend."

"Let's just get through today."

"One day at a time?"

"Exactly."

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Monica leaned heavily on Joey as the pair proceeded up the aisle of the church. She spotted her parents, each holding a twin on their laps. There were so many faces. Some she recognized and some she didn't. But ultimately she was looking through them all, imprisoned within her own internal hell, unable to see beyond her own pain.

Joey led her up to the coffin. She did not want to see Chandler 'laid out' as if he were in some sick, sadistic display, but she lacked the will to protest. Joey kept an arm cinched tight around her slim waist, holding her up. Her feet moved on their own, carrying her forward until she reached the dreaded destination.

At the last second Monica yanked herself free of Joey's grasp and ran down the aisle towards the back of church. She blindly bumped into Ross and Rachel and continued on. They immediately followed with Joey close behind.

The trio caught up with her outside the church doors. Monica was doubled over gasping for air. She staved them off with a hand. "I can't...I can't," she stammered.

Joey stepped forward and bent down until he was at her level. He let his hands fall gently atop hers. "This is hard for me too - for all of us. I can't begin to understand the pain you are going through."

"That's right. You can't," Monica snapped.

"No," Joey agreed. "I can't. But I miss him too...so much." His voice trailed off, steeped in grief.

"I knew this day was coming." Monica seemed to be talking more to herself than any one particular person. "No matter how much I prepared myself, it wasn't enough. I don't think I'm ready to do this."

Joey shook his head unconsciously. "I'm not either. But someone very wise once told me that if I didn't take the opportunity to say goodbye that I would regret it forever." He looked directly at Ross as he said this. Ross understood the meaning and gave him a small smile in return.

Joey flashed a brief grin and returned his attention to Monica. He chuckled out of context which seemed to grab everyone's attention, even Phoebe who had silently joined the group moments before. "You know, I think there's a heaven, and if there is, Chandler is definitely up there making some stupid joke or sarcastic comment trying to get us to lighten up."

Just the mention of his name sent tears coursing down her cheeks, juxtaposed by her smile. "He would definitely hate all of this. He was never very good at goodbyes. And he was always making inappropriate jokes in situations like this. Used to embarrass the hell outta me."

"But that's why we loved him. It was part of who he was. And that's why we're here... to remember all the good stuff. There was lots of good stuff. Please, please come back in and celebrate his life with everyone."

"Alright," she whispered in his ear. He drew her into a big hug.

Joey helped her up and they all entered the church as group, holding hands with Monica placed strategically in the middle. But the group would always be one member short. The ghost of Chandler's memory would always leave an emptiness in them all.

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Joey walked solemnly up to the podium. He surveyed the room which was standing room only. Even though he shouldn't have been, he was slightly surprised at how many lives Chandler had touched. Joey recognized Nora and Charles and gave them a slight nod. Also among the mourners were Gunther, several co-workers and bosses both new and old, and ...Janice. For once in his life, Joey held only sympathy in his heart for her.

He swallowed around the lump in his throat before beginning. "When Ross first asked me to do this, I wasn't sure I really wanted to. Most of you know I'm an actor so I should be comfortable speaking in front of people, right? But this time noone is writing the words for me.

"Chandler was always the one that was good with words." Joey smiled to himself. "Okay, sometimes not so much. But usually when he stuck his foot in his mouth it was because he was trying to cheer one of us up. And more often than not it worked. I mean, who here hasn't fallen victim to one of his sarcastic comments or goofy jokes?"

He paused and took in the faces of those that had come to love Chandler. He saw a few heads bob in agreement. Joey continued. "He was the best friend I ever had, you know. I grew up with a bunch of sisters, but it wasn't until I met Chandler that I knew what it meant to have a brother. We looked out for each other, but mostly he was always the one taking care of me.

"He always encouraged me to follow my dreams and never got on my case about it. If it wasn't for Chandler I never coulda gone to California and realized my dream. As a matter of fact, towards the end, he hid his illness from me knowing that I would come back to New York if I knew. He was right, you know - as always. He knew me better than I knew myself. At first I was angry with him, but then I figured out he was doing it to protect me. That was Chandler - always putting others before himself. But he always did it in such a subtle way that you didn't even know it was happening until he had already made the sacrifice.

"It's funny what you take for granted. I always thought he'd be in my life. I think we all did." Joey's eyes roamed the church until he found the four friends he was aiming this at. "But as I told him right before he moved out of our apartment to move in with Monica, it's not gonna be all the things you do for me that I'll miss. What I'll miss is you, Chandler." Joey brought a fist up to his mouth to stifle the tears. "I'm gonna miss you, man. I'm gonna miss you real bad."

Joey stepped back from the podium and began walking back to his seat. As he passed the open coffin, he lost his composure. He collapsed back into the pew, emotionally spent. Rachel rubbed circles on his back to comfort him. "That was very beautiful, honey. You did Chandler proud."

Her words inadvertently caused him to cry harder. Rachel frowned as this was not her intent. She squeezed his shoulder as she rose to say her peace. All eyes were on her as she reached the raised platform.

Rachel drew in a deep breath and stilled her trembling hands by gripping the side of the podium. "I don't need to tell everyone what an amazing guy Chandler was. You all know. He's done something special for each and every one of us."

She scratched her head out of nervous habit. "I could tell you a hundred reasons why he'll always hold a special place in my heart. His incredible sensitivity when helping me get through my parents' divorce" She glanced Sandra and Leonard's direction. "Or I could mention the cheesecake story, but one of my fondest memories, as weird as it sounds, is actually when I took him shopping after one of his chemo treatments. He was typical grumpy, sarcastic Chandler. But underneath I could tell he was having a blast. He would flash one of those infamous smiles of his and then try to cover it with some cynical remark.

"I always knew what a funny, warm guy he was. We all got to know that guy. But what I learned that day was the depth of his inner strength. Sometimes, I'm ashamed to say, his friends teased him about being weak." She shook her head to negate the statement." It wasn't true. If only we all had that kind of fortitude - and love.

"I used to watch Monica and Chandler together, and how happy they were, and wish that I had that with someone. What Chandler made me realize throughout his ordeal, is that I did have that with someone. Chandler lived every second, and I wanted to follow that example. Even something so mundane as shopping, he took the opportunity to be in the moment. And then he would come home and hold his wife as if they had been apart for months. I was privileged to witness that kind of love, and I will be eternally grateful to Chandler for giving me the smack in the face I needed... to stop wasting time and grab what I cherish most and hold on to it.

"Chandler and Monica certainly did that. And all of us will certainly hold onto Chandler's memory, and cherish the time we got to spend with him."

Rachel stepped down, greeted by Ross on his way up the steps. He squeezed her hand, an intimate gesture meant to give him the strength to say what he needed to say. Instead, he felt washed out, carried along by the river of emotions that coursed through his body.

He cleared his throat to rid his voice of emotion that he was unaccustomed to showing. "You heard Joey talk about what a great friend Chandler was - and he was. And you heard Rachel talk about what a great husband he was. Monica and Chandler had something really special, something I don't think even death can erase.

"But what I wanna talk about is what a great father he was, and never had the chance to be. Chandler was so afraid of commitment and becoming a father because of his upbringing. He didn't want to run out on a wife and kids like had happened to him. He didn't want to be that guy. Sorry guys, but it's true." Ross directed this at Nora and Charles. "I used to watch him with Ben and Emma and wonder how he could have doubts about his ability to be a good dad. They love him so much... it's been really hard to explain to them that Uncle Chandler isn't going to be around to play with them anymore.

"When Monica and Chandler found out they couldn't have children, Chandler was devastated - even more so than Monica which I didn't think was possible. But he got a double whammy because that's when the cancer was diagnosed. He fought so hard to put himself in remission, and he achieved that.

"And then another miracle came into their lives - those two beautiful children over there. I had never seen the two of them so happy. Chandler was so wonderful with them. Everything was perfect - until it wasn't.

"It makes me so angry when I think of how hard Chandler fought for every piece of happiness he had, and how it was taken away from him before he even had a chance to enjoy it. Shortly after the twins were born he found out he was dying. The first thing he did wasn't to scream and cry and curse everyone and everything around him as most of us would've done. The first thing he did was to enlist my help to make sure his wife and children would be taken care of even after he was gone."

Ross heard Monica's sharp intake of breath and turned to address her. "Mon, even despite death, Chandler has made sure you and the kids are going to be taken care of." Ross turned away from Monica's new onslaught of tears to finish his eulogy. "Joey was right. Underneath all the jokes, that's the type of guy Chandler was. He was a great friend, husband, and father. His time on this earth was way too short, and our lives are all the more empty without him in them."

Ross stepped down and paused by the coffin, digging into his pocket. Chandler's hands were folded across his midsection as if in repose. Ross placed his hand atop Chandler's. When he removed his hand the rabbit's foot remained behind. "You once gave me this as kind of a joke before I went away on one of my archeological digs. You told me it was for good luck on my trip. Now I'm returning the favor - for good luck on your journey."

Ross wiped the snot from his nose with his jacket sleeve. "I don't know what I did to deserve it, but thank you for your friendship."

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The five friends sat there long after everyone else had filed past. It was just them and the coffin. Everyone was reluctant to move, but one last private goodbye needed to be said before they moved onto the graveside service.

Amazingly it was Monica that stood up first. She gripped Joey's and Ross's hands, one on each side of her. Phoebe and Rachel fell in step as they walked the short distance to the coffin. The cloying smell of the flowers was almost too much to bear as they arrived at the casket.

Monica stared down at her husband for what would be the last time. She could not wrap her brain around that fact. She didn't want to remember him like this, but the image would be burned into her brain for some time to come. So she studied every line, every angle of his face. She caressed his hands one last time. The coldness not deterring her, she stole one last kiss from his lips, whispering 'I love you' for only him to hear.

Rachel wept as Monica straightened up. "Goodbye," she squeaked out between her sobs. That one word seemed to be all she could manage. Chandler would know what was in her heart anyway. At least she hoped that she had shown him how much she adored him and treasured his friendship. And hope was all she could do now.

Phoebe spoke up for the first time. "I know we will all miss him terribly, but we will see him again. You hear that Chandler? You can't get rid of us that easily. We will see you again on the other side." She smiled down at him and closed her eyes, picturing her own special memories of Chandler.

Ross wanted to protest her words, but bit it back. They all needed to hang onto whatever would get them through tomorrow. But Joey saw his expression and added to Phoebe's sentiment. "She's right, Chandler. I will see you again someday. I have to. Otherwise this was all pointless. And I refuse to believe that. Someday we will meet again...and I can't wait for that day, man. Hopefully, you'll have a hot chick there waiting for me like I asked."

Phoebe slapped his arm. "Joey!"

"What? It is heaven, isn't it?" Joey quickly wiped the grin off of his face when he saw the look Monica was giving him. He turned his attention back to Chandler's still form. "What I'm trying to say is that I love you man, and I'm really gonna miss you."

There was no more left to be said. The time had come. Ross let the others go ahead of him. He struggled with his emotions as he lowered the lid and prepared himself to do one last thing that his friend had asked him to do. His shoes echoed on the ceramic tile as he made the long walk down the aisle.

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"Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust. As we commemorate our brother Chandler ..."

The words were lost on the wind as the coffin was lowered. Handfuls of dirt were thrown on top. Rachel held a rose plucked from atop the coffin, as did the others. There was so little left now to hang onto save for each other.

Joey held his rose almost as it were an infant cradled in his arms. He looked down at it and sighed forlornly, ignoring his aching shoulder. Ross unconsciously rubbed his shoulder too. For them, it wasn't the weight on the coffin they had carried. It was the figurative weight on their shoulders of knowing that they had help put their friend in the ground.

Monica fingered her rose. "So Ross. You said you had something to tell me about how Chandler set up me and the twins."

"Yeah, but not here." He led them away from the other mourners, in a more secluded area of the cemetery. He reached into his inner jacket pocket and produced a copy of the document that he had alluded to earlier.

Ross held the document out for her to see. "Apparently Chandler made some wise investments that he cashed in. He set up this trust for the twins, and also for you." He reached back inside his jacket. "There's also this substantial life insurance policy. It's seems as if Chandler got this when you first got married. He couldn't have gotten that amount after his diagnosis according to my lawyer."

"Do you think he had a premonition that something like this would happen," Phoebe interjected.

Ross shrugged as Monica stood gaping at the figures on the paper. She had seen some of the papers that had been drawn up regarding his wishes, but about this she had no idea and wondered how Chandler had managed to keep something like this hidden from her. Tears sprung to her eyes, blurring the numbers.

Joey glanced at the papers. "Whoa!"

Monica's hands shook as she shuffled the papers. "I know," she whispered. "Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful he did this. But, it doesn't matter without him here to share it with. I want Chandler, not his money."

"I feel the same way." Joey drew her into a brotherly hug.

"Me too," Rachel and Phoebe agreed.

"He was amazing in ways we didn't even know about," Ross glanced in the direction of the fresh mound of dirt.

"I don't know about you guys, but it makes me feel really good to know that I have a guardian angel like Chandler on my side," Phoebe mused.

Monica followed her brother's gaze. "Right now I'm not sure if I believe in angels. I don't believe in anything anymore except Chandler - and Chandler's gone."

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_**One Year Later...**_

Phoebe sat alone in her apartment. She was lonely, as she often was these days. She had tried to draw the group together today on the anniversary of Chandler's death, to no avail.

The group had drifted apart over the past year, as if being together was too much of a painful reminder to them all. This fact deeply saddened her. She missed all her friends, not just Chandler.

She had tried watching some old reruns on tv, but quickly became bored and apathetic. It just wasn't the same without Chandler's sarcastic remarks - nothing was. Phoebe continued flipping until she spotted 'Die Hard'. The movie brought warm and familiar feelings back that she hadn't felt in awhile. She started to feel...whole again.

Phoebe got up and disappeared into her bedroom. When she reappeared, she was holding an old photo album that has been worn and tattered from countless thumbing-throughs. She sat cross-legged on the couch and opened it to the first page.

The first picture made her smile inwardly. It was of the six of them in Central Perk, shortly after they had all met and became a group of six. There faces were so young, untouched by the tragedy that adulthood would bring.

Phoebe quickly turned the pages until she got to Monica and Chandler's wedding. Everyone looked so happy. It was truly a joyous event, but it almost wasn't. She had been so mad at Chandler, and terrified for Monica when he vanished on them. What would've happened if Ross hadn't found him? Phoebe could not even entertain that thought. Those two were meant to be together through eternity, and nothing could get in the way of that. The universe would not have that. Chandler's strong, confident smile typified that feeling.

The last page in the book was dedicated to Chandler holding his children. The love in his eyes was plain to see. But it was bittersweet because he had looked so ill towards the end. The smile didn't quite reach his eyes, dampened by the pain. And there was a sadness beneath the surface with the knowledge that he would be parting with those two beautiful creatures so soon.

The transformation of Chandler from the beginning of the photo album to the end was heart breaking, and she bit her lip to keep from crying. Finally she released the tears. There was no one here to hear her cries anyway. She briefly wondered how the others were fairing.

A strong breeze caused the pages in the album to flutter. When they settled into place the book lay open to a picture that had been taken of Phoebe and Chandler at her wedding. It was right before Chandler had given her away, when he had told her how beautiful she looked and planted a kiss on her cheek. She had never seen that picture before, and to her knowledge they had been alone in the coffee house.

Another strong breeze riffled the pages. She rose to shut the window, but it was closed tightly. A strong sense of serenity encompassed her. His presence was suddenly so strong, she involuntarily shivered. "Chandler?"

She was answered with only silence. What was she expecting anyway? He was gone and he wasn't coming back. She jumped as the wind turned the pages once again. The picture it revealed was one of Chandler in a relaxed posed, laughing, presumably at something one of the others had said. Or maybe one of his own jokes. But upon closer inspection the background was one she had never seen before. And then it hit her. It was on the beach, standing in front of the ocean. But Monica had the only copy of that photo - didn't she?

Phoebe let out a small cry. It was mixed with joy. She knew inside that Chandler was at peace and this was his way of letting her know that. She smiled up at the ceiling and spoke to the air around her. "I'm glad you're happy, Chandler. I miss you."

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Joey rewound the tape for the umpteenth time that day. It really was just a hodge podge of events. There was the three guys right before a Knick's playoff game. There were random birthday parties and some of the wedding. But it didn't matter what was on the tape. It just brought him comfort to see Chandler and hear his voice again.

Sometimes Chandler's voice seemed distant and he couldn't immediately recall his face. That fact scared Joey more than anything. He couldn't understand how the most important person in his life could be fading from his memories.

Joey had moved back into his old apartment shortly after the funeral. He needed to be close to the people that had known and loved Chandler. He needed to be in a familiar environment - one that he had shared with Chandler. But the funny thing was he had never seen less of his friends than he did now.

Most nights he wondered around the apartment aimlessly as if he were searching for something. But the something he was searching for could never be found or reclaimed. Usually he ended up in Chandler's old room, sitting in the middle of the empty space.

Sometimes he fingered the foosball table, as if practicing for a game that he would never play. That was where he ended up now.

"I really miss you, man. Things just aren't the same without you." Joey sighed and plopped down next to the foosball table. "I dunno. Maybe I'm just talking to myself. But at least I can pretend that you can hear me."

"I just wish this hurt would go away. I thought time healed all wounds, but not this one. This sucks. I just... I just wish you were here."

A clunking noise caused him to look up from his position on the floor. It took his brain a moment to register what his eyes were seeing. The men on the foosball table were spinning around as if locked in the heat of combat. It stilled just as quickly as it began.

"No way that just happened!"

The men began their competitive dance once again. Joey inched back away from the table. His initial reaction was fear, but as he felt the warmth spread across his midsection he relaxed.

Joey suddenly felt as if invisible arms were wrapping him in a giant bear hug. It was a sensation he hadn't felt in ages. The sensation was deeply comforting. Joey hadn't experienced that feeling for a long time. And only one person had ever made him feel like that.

"Oh God, how I missed this - how I miss you." Joey basked in the feeling. "But it's time for you to move on and rest in peace. I think I'll be alright now. And I'll make sure that your family is okay. I promise you."

The feeling dissipated and left his arms feeling empty, but it gave him that inner peace that he had lacked for the past year. Joey's heart felt like it was released from the vice that had been squeezing the life out of it. He knew that nothing would ever take Chandler away from him as long as he kept him in his heart.

"I'd tell you goodbye man, but this isn't goodbye. Now I know we'll meet again. So dude, don't forget about the hot chicks."

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Ross held the tattered picture reverently in his hands, running a finger along the worn edge. Rachel stared at him sadly from her vantage point behind the sofa as she balanced Emma on her hip. She chewed on her lip, unsure of what to say. She missed Chandler terribly too.

This past year had been rough on them all. Rachel had seen a change in Ross which wasn't surprising. He became even a more devoted father and was a wonderful husband, but underneath the surface there was this lingering emptiness - as if he wasn't all the way there.

She opted for the safe approach. "That is a really good picture of you guys."

Ross did not at first seem like he had heard her. He tore his eyes away from the photograph. "Yeah, it is. He looks good here," he added almost as an afterthought.

"When was this picture taken?"

"In London. I never realized before just how those two were looking at each other." His finger pointed between Monica and Chandler. "I guess they were really meant to be."

Rachel put Emma down for the night, and returned a short time later. "You know, we really should go over there."

"I already tried. I called and she wouldn't answer. So I went over to the apartment and the door was locked. She refused to let me in, said she just wanted to be alone." Ross hung his head. "I don't know what to do for her." He snorted. "I don't even know how to make myself feel better."

"Sweetie, it'll take time."

"Time? But it's been a year. Surely some of the hurt should have dulled by now."

Rachel hugged him and shook her head against his shoulder. "Sometimes, it doesn't. Chandler was such an integral part of all our lives that to have a piece of it ripped away ...sometimes there's nothing there to patch the hole."

Ross started to tear up. "Sometimes I feel him slipping away from me."

"What do you mean?"

"Sometimes I hear in my head something that Chandler would've said, some retort or...whatever. But other times, no matter how hard I try, I forget what his voice sounded like - or his laugh. I have to stare at a picture of him to remember his face sometimes, and that bothers me. I don't wanna forget him, but it's happening."

"Sweetie, sometimes memories fade, but it doesn't mean you're forgetting him."

"I know that deep down. I just can't stop thinking about him. What would we be doing if he were here? What would he have been like as a father? It kills me that he never had the chance to find out. He had a hard life. Chandler finally found some happiness, you know. He didn't deserve to have it taken from him. Sometimes I wish it would've been me."

"Don't say that! Chandler wouldn't want you thinking like that." Rachel stormed off into the bedroom and when she returned, she cradled the music box Chandler had given her in her hands.

"What are you doing with that?"

"See this? When I look at this it reminds me of Chandler, and how giving and thoughtful he was. It reminds me of all the good times, and how lucky I was to know Chandler and call him my friend - even if only for a short while. " She set it on the coffee table and grasped Ross's hands in her own.

"Honey, after you left to bring Joey home, it got really bad. He was in tremendous pain. He was suffering. But never once did he wish he could switch places with someone else. Chandler wouldn't have wished that kinda of agony on his worst enemy, let alone a friend. He was the kind of guy who would have rather endured the pain, to save someone else from it."

"I know," Ross whispered.

Rachel rubbed his arm soothingly. "As much as we wanted more time with him, that would have been selfish." She looked down, finding the next words hard to say. "I know this is hard to hear, but... He was in so much pain that he begged and pleaded for it to end. For a minute, I thought he was asking me to help him...you know. But he just wanted to be let go.

"What I'm trying to tell you is that Chandler is in a better place now. He is no longer sick and in pain. There are no more surgeries, no more chemo, no more suffering. He fought so hard, and his body was just worn out. Chandler was so tired, Ross. We should be happy that he doesn't have to live through that stuff anymore. As much as it hurts us not to be able to talk to him, to hug him...we have to let him go."

Ross's face crumpled and his voice broke. "I just miss him so much, Rach." He sobbed as he collapsed against her shoulder. She made shushing noises as she stroked the back of his head.

The sound of creaking caused her to turn her head. Rachel looked in wonderment as the music box opened by itself. "Ross.."

"Huh?"

"Look." She pointed to the box as the music began to spill out of it.

"Did you..."

"No, I didn't touch it."

"Don't you have to wind it up to get it to play?"

Rachel nodded, speechless.

"When's the last time -"

"I don't know."

"How could... How," Ross stuttered out. The song rose in pitch until it was nearly deafening. "I'm not sure I believe what I'm seeing."

"That's it! That's the name of the song," Rachel exclaimed. "God, that's been driving me crazy."

The melody slowed down and speeded up intermittently. Ross, now spooked, closed it to halt the music. But it stubbornly refused to stop playing. When he reopened the lid, there lay the picture that he had been holding only minutes earlier. "Oh my God," he breathed. "Chandler..."

"Do you believe now?"

Ross swallowed hard and looked upwards. "I believe."

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Monica stared into the empty glass of wine she held. She had an inner debate with herself before she rose to pour herself another glass. She knew that drowning her sorrows in alcohol would only temporarily dull the pain, but today she didn't care how much she drank, and that she was drinking alone. The twins had long since been down for the night anyway.

Alone was something she had chosen to be. Ross and Phoebe had wanted them all to be together on the anniversary of Chandler's death, but it was just too much to bear. It wasn't a celebratory occasion, and the thought of putting on a brave face and laughing at the good times while crying on the inside, simply nauseated her. She preferred to wallow in her grief.

As she walked through the apartment to refill her glass, she averted her eyes. Looking at the wedding photos hanging on the wall was more than she could take at the moment. After she hoisted herself over the window ledge, she rewrapped one of Chandler's old shirts around her to stave off the chill.

The breeze on the balcony carried his scent to her nose. Chandler's shirt stilled smelled faintly of him - old, stale cigarettes and aftershave. She inhaled his scent deeply, savoring every last olfactory drop.

Being out here made her remorseful. He had begged her and begged her to have sex on the balcony, and she never relented. Now she wish she would have. There were a lot of things she would have done differently in her life, but Chandler was never one of them. He was the best thing that ever had happened to her. And she wouldn't have changed a thing, even knowing how it would end.

Her gaze landed on her left ring finger, now glaringly bare. She had not taken off her wedding ring by choice. She had lost it down the drain doing the dishes. Monica had been so upset she literally sobbed for days, and then finally called a plumber to dismantle the pipes in a futile attempt to find it. But it was lost forever, and she was forced to mourn another piece of Chandler that would never return.

Monica wished for it back, but she would have gladly traded it for Chandler. Her arms ached from being empty. Her lips yearned for his kiss, and her ears for his infectious laugh. As lonely and heartbroken as she was during the day, the nights were worse. Their bed was cold and empty without him in it. No one was there to keep her company during the midnight feedings. The twins were the crux of her existence now.

And existence was all it was now. She couldn't call it living. Monica merely drifted through the day. Work and parenthood was her only way to get outside of herself. She sighed and stared up at the stars.

"I'm taking care of them like I promised you, but it's just not the same without you here." She laughed softly and place her wine glass on the ledge. "You won, Bing. Erica said her first word today. It was Dada - not Mama. I wish you could have heard it. Maybe you did, I don't know. You're not even here and she's a daddy's girl."

"I show them you're picture every day and tell them how much you love them, but it's a poor substitute for the real thing." Across the street soft, melodic music wafted over. Monica let a tear roll down her cheek. "I never stop wishing you were here. I want one more slow dance - one more...anything with you. I go through the day and realize I haven't even cracked a smile. The laughter has gone out of our lives since you've been gone, and I don't know how to get it back. I don't know if we ever will."

"My dear, sweet, funny Chandler. I miss you so much. I know that's selfish of me. I should be glad you're not suffering, in pain anymore. But I want you here with me - with the kids. Is that so wrong? Sometimes I feel you're presence so strongly, and it's like you've never left. And that hurts to feel that because sometimes I expect you to walk through that door. But then I remember, and I lose you all over again."

The music swelled to a deafening pitch, startling her and causing her to knock the wine glass off the ledge onto the balcony. It was in a million tiny little pieces. Monica scoffed. "Just like my heart. Ironic."

Monica did a double take. She had had a lot of wine and thought her semi-drunken state was causing her hallucination. Monica bent down and held the circular object in her hand. She turned it over and over. Even in the low light it sparkled. "Oh my God."

Monica slid it on her finger with a trembling hand. It wasn't possible, was it? Had her silent prayer really been answered?

She didn't have to wonder for long as a feeling of warmth and love that she had been lacking this past year, enveloped her. She felt the soft caress on her cheek that moved down to her shoulders, and then landed on the small of her back. She closed her eyes and parted her lips as she felt the familiar kiss. Monica swayed unknowingly with the music.

When she opened her eyes she could see Chandler with her, holding her. She never wanted this feeling to end, the familiar touch she had been longing for. Monica didn't care whether it was in her imagination or not, it was real to her. But she could not deny the realness of the cold metal on her left hand.

Monica blinked, and as quickly as his image had come before her, it was gone again. The music continued in the background. "It was you, wasn't it Chandler? I never really lost you did I? I just have to wait, but I will see you again. You know patience never was my virtue, but for you I will wait out eternity."

Monica smiled, really smiled, up at the sky. "I love you too, so much. I've never stopped and I never will."

The dawning of the day brought new hope and meaning into her life. Whether her encounter was real or imagined was inconsequential. Her heart had begun to mend, and she knew that even if she was without Chandler for the rest of her life, she would not be without him forever. Their love would stand the test of time, and death. Like a beacon in the night, their love for one another would lead them back to each other.

_Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin_

_I feel you come back again_

_And it's like you haven't been gone a moment from my side_

_Like the tears were never cried_

_Like the hands of time are holding you and me_

_And with all my heart I'm sure we're closer than we ever were_

_I don't have to hear or see, I've got all the proof I need_

_There are more than angels watching over me_

_I believe, oh I believe_

_Now when you die your life goes on_

_It doesn't end here when you're gone_

_Every soul is filled with light_

_It never ends and if I'm right_

_Our love can even reach across eternity_

_I believe, oh I believe_

_Forever, you're a part of me_

_Forever, in the heart of me_

_I would hold you even longer if I can_

_Oh, the people who don't see the most_

_Say that I believe in ghosts_

_If that makes me crazy, then I am_

'_Cause I believe_

_Oh I believe...yes I do_

_There are more than angels watching over me_

_I believe, oh I believe_

_Every now and then soft as breath against my skin_

_I feel you come back again_

_... and I believe_

- Diamond Rio

THE END

Whew! This fic is finally complete. This part was very difficult to write and I'm still not completely satisfied with it, but... I thought I took enough time writing it. Thank you to all of you who reviewed this fic and stuck with me throughout the whole thing, even if I did kill off Chandler :D It has been an emotionally draining, yet satisfying experience to write this. And I thank you all for the continued encouragement, and that you found my fic worth reading.

Yours Sincerely,

Chandy


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